quote:

Unless the person is really badly demented, they have the right to make mistakes. They can choose to refuse treatment or choose to stay at home even if a senior facility would be somehow safer

Yes. A person of sound mind, and is not actively suicidal or homicidal, has the absolute right to self determination. You and I might not like how they run their life, but we must respect their decision.

My mom made it to 93, but she had dementia rearing its head for the last 3 years. I had medical directive and when I first saw her going through the early dementia, I got on as a cosigner on all her bank accounts.
Her wish was to live at home, so my wife and I became her constant guardians. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, home maintenance, making the home safe, etc. I hired professional nursing to spend time with her at home when we were working and managed her money (not very much) knowing what the future held for her when she was no longer able to live alone.
Unfortunately, I had a sibling, and they were intent on the dollars mom had.
Mom made us co-executors (never do that. Pick one person) and that led to all sorts of fun after mom passed. I spent a year in litigation where I was accused of everything including the Lindberg baby kidnapping. Mom had a house and a car - that's it. I ended up with a medical condition from this legal trauma, but even though my mom was not ever good to me, downright hostile truth be told, I still stood in front of the fire (sibling)and marshalled everything I could to give her what she wanted to the best of my ability. I did this to eliminate any guilt, because she was not a good mother to me and by rights I could have turned my back and been justified.
The apple didn't fall far from the tree and my sibling is now on their own, and we will never speak again.
So, my advice is, do what you have to do, protect yourself, get legal advice, and as long as you are doing things by Hoyle, as a man, it's your duty to protect your mom.

I’m following this carefully, as I soon see myself in OP’s shoes. I wish I had advice to offer, but I do not at this time. My best wishes to you.

quote:

Originally posted by goose5:
She just lost her dog about 6 months ago, but we feel she can't take care of another dog.

Does she like cats? Cats pretty much take care of themselves...

Next time you're at the Doctor, get the attention of the Dr or NP and speak privately with them. Ask them if there are counseling or services available to your MIL to help develop plans and options. Coming from a medical professional may help your MIL come to her senses. My mom was oppositional. However, if she heard "The Doctor said....", she would have no problem with anything.

Because her short-term memory is so bad my wife goes to all the appointments with her. She is stubborn enough that if a doctor says something she doesn't like she will cancel future appointments. I pissed her off when I told her she should be driving anymore. She can't hide the anger in her face. She joked about it but she was clearly pissed.

My mother was in the early stages of dementia. At about 95 she fell and broke her leg. The anesthesia ended it. She was mostly gone.
Patience and compassion would be the only advice I could give. The last time I drove to Florida to visit, I fed her meals in bed, stroked her head and sang her songs. Then I went out to my car and cried like a baby.
Thank God my dad had a good pension and insurance. He was 100 and wanted to hold on till she died first, he let go a couple months later.
If I make it to heaven which I doubt I will, I'll ask God why he lets bad things happen to good people.

Sounds like you live close enough to go there fairly often and you do so. Based on this, I would recommend finding her a peer group. No one that age takes direction from their kids. We're still kids to them. It could really help if she gets out of the house a few hours a day a couple days a week talking to and being around people of her generation. She'll meet people with similar ailments and some without. She'll get advice and support from people living her same lifestyle. This will hopefully allow her to listen to you guys more and may help with the dementia a bit too. It would be amazing if she started asking to go see her new friends after a few visits.

1) Pacemaker--what is the reason?
2) Leg swelling--is this a result of #1?
3) Short term memory loss--has this been evaluated?
4) Is there a plan in place for medical decision making in the event of a catastrophic event?

Not taking meds, uncooperative patient, cognitive decline--needs a family meeting to come up with a plan of care. Team meeting so all providers understand her status. Code status needs to be addressed before an event occurs.

1. Unusually low heart rate.
2. Don't think so. Lymphedema.
3. I don't think so.
4. Yes.