My mother-in-law is 85. She was divorced many years ago and left for a woman that is younger than my wife. She has depression and anxiety issues that are addressed through counseling and medication. Has for years. She was pitched a shit row in life thanks to my wife's father. She lives alone and my wife has been seeing memory issues and cognitive decline in the last few months. She currently is battling a good case of swollen legs and Lymphedema. Currently my wife and I get her to at least one doctor appointment per week, sometimes more. Now some of this I think is the cognitive decline but she is just not cooperating. She has this compression machine for her legs but refuses to use it because it's uncomfortable. We've tried to get her on weekly pill canisters so we can see what she's taking and what she's not. She refuses. We've dropped the conversation in about assisted living. Nope. She will burn that house down and squat on the ashes. She is just refusing to do what needs to be done to get better. She refuses to make it easy on anyone around her. My wife is at her wit's end.

Any advice?

Tough situation for sure.
Is your wife an only child?

At some point you are going to need to talk to an attorney regarding her situation and yours. Let them advise you on where your at and where your most likely headed. What options there are going to be.

Best of luck.

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She refuses to make it easy on anyone around her.

Not that this helps, but this is not unusual. Sometimes there is not a lot that can be done.

The conservatorship route is not easy and she may fight it, until she gets worse and then can't fight it.

My wife has one sister who lives 150 miles to the north. She gets down when she can. So, my wife gets to be the bad guy most of the time.

My mother-in-law is 85 and dealing with dementia. She’s also recently broken her hip after a fall and can not be left alone any longer. She and my father-in-law affairs are all in excellent order with money set aside for the type of care she is going to be needing.
My wife is one of 4 sisters, one of which lives with MIL, and the other 3 within a few miles and all willing to help.

Despite the funds and the willingness of all to help this is still EXTREMELY difficult on everybody. Sadly, I don’t think there’s an easy way through this time. Hoping things go well for you guys….

Financially she is doing okay. We figure once the day comes where she has to go she'll have about 5 years until Medicaid will be needed. She usually had the family holiday up in the mountains, and she said she wanted to do that again this year. It just can't be done. My wife explained the altitude for the last 5 years just wipes her out. We tried a place that's not as high as Keystone, but she didn't like it and had no bones letting us know. My wife just explained to her it's just not a good idea. Long car rides don't do her leg problems any good. She sat and stewed and left her a very shouty voicemail. I've never seen her like that. Ever.

quote:

Originally posted by goose5:
Now some of this I think is the cognitive decline but she is just not cooperating.
...
She is just refusing to do what needs to be done to get better. She refuses to make it easy on anyone around her.

I'm in the same boat with my mother currently. She's only 69, but in very poor health with multiple chronic illnesses, mobility impairment, and other systemic issues.

Most recently, her mental condition has deteriorated noticeably over the past few months, with new issues with mania, hyperactivity, mild incoherence, agitation, etc. cropping up.

Realistically, she needs to be on some mental health Rxs, and she likely needs to be in assisted living or at least have some in-home healthcare.

But - likely partly due to the mental issues - she's refusing any help, and actively lashing out at anyone who tries to convince her otherwise.

It's been tough, especially on my dad.

You need to have MIL add your wife’s name to all her bank accounts for when things take a turn. That way she doesn’t have to involve the courts or probate…

I got nothing to add about the current situation

So sorry the wife and you are having to deal with this. It is and can be a handful. Hope things get better.

I suspect ORC is correct. Fortunately my MIL and my dad were pretty cooperative.
A friend of mine wasn't as lucky. Had to legally step in and get the authorization to make decisions on his mothers behalf.

The advice above about legal issues if there is a way to approach that with her. Health POA and will, etc.

Does your wife have POA and does your MIL have a medical directive?

BTDT. We tried to come up with so man different solutions for my mother over the years. At one time, she said, "Why don't you let me die alone in my apartment like other people do." She got her wish. She died alone in her apartment a few days after New Year where we took her to spend some hours with us.

For solutions, we tried she could live with my sister. She could live with us. We had someone to stay with her. None was acceptable.

MikeinNC's advise to have your wife added as a joint owner is spot on, assuming she doesn't have any siblings who's going to raise a ruckus. That's what I did with my father. I had the statements come to my house so I can review them.

She's 85. She's had a hard and depressing life. The inevitable will be a welcome relief for her. I had set up cemetery plots and prepaid funeral arrangements many years in advance of when they were needed. We were glad as prices had risen over the years and they're not going to go down. Even with all those arrangements in place, everything else was physically exhausting anyway so you'd be glad you did have the things prepared ahead of time.

There is just no visible solution with her. She hates living alone, but she's relieved when my sister-in-law leaves after a few days. We suggested she needs a full-blown psychiatrist as opposed to a therapist. But, so far she just won't go. We had an appointment with one, but she called and canceled it. She just had a pacemaker put in. We thought that would be better. More regulation. More oxygen in her system, but I swear she's gotten worse since then mentally.

I'll be the odd one out. She is not enjoying life, is in irreversable decline and sees no point in prolnging it. You want to fix it. Just what do you think you can do ?
Many people have no reason to get up in the morning. Death is the final accomplishment

Does she have a pet?
sometimes they can help if they can handle one.

Based on my experience, she’s given up on life. Short of her getting on meds and/or getting appropriate mental health care, she’s just waiting for the end and there’s nothing else that can be done. At the risk of playing keyboard psychiatrist, it sounds like clinical depression has set in. With cognitive decline it’s hard to say but there are a host of issues that could be contributing factors. You have my best wishes for your strength to face this. We all know the final outcome and it is a difficult road.

My wife does have POA. She just lost her dog about 6 months ago, but we feel she can't take care of another dog. Mentioned before trying to avoid probate. I was the executor of my mother's estate, and it was explained to me that probate protects the executor. If a suit was filed against the estate, and the judgment was more than the estate the executor is legally liable for the difference if it's not in probate.

My 87 year old mom was almost that bad - she planned to live in her house until she fell and broke her hip. Then she planned on going to go into a nursing home to die. That's just the way it was going to be, with no discussion.

But last October she fell and broke both her hip and shoulder and spent a week in the hospital. The only option for her after that was the skilled nursing facility for rehab. She really, really didn't want to do that, but I forced the issue using the Medical Power of Atty and the doctor's determination that she was not able to make good decisions for herself. Once there, the Physical and Occupational Therapists were wonderful and challenged her in just the right way to get out of that bed and get better. But regardless, there was no way she was going to go back to living alone again.

After rehab we put her in an Assisted Living facility, and although she initially resisted that idea she's grown to like it over the last two months. She has constant attention through caregivers, a full-time nurse on staff, and a Physician's Assistant who comes by once a month to review her meds, etc. Her dementia/cognitive decline is gently being addressed and watched, and overall she is happier than she was before. And I have had a huge weight lifted from my shoulders now that she's being taken care of 24 hours a day by competent professionals.

"So what's the point, Tailhook?" you're probably asking yourself. Well, some things we can control in our aging parent's lives, and some things we can't. Mom got her wish by falling and breaking her hip - I couldn't control that. What she didn't count on was that so many decisions were taken out of her hands after that happened. Now my wife and I are able to control the situation by having her in a safe environment with constant medical overwatch. Once she was in the hospital the doctors never asked her what she wanted to do. Because I had all the legal documents in place, I was able to make good decisions for her which of course was with the assistance of the medical staff. It sucks that we had to wait until the inevitable happened to have that control, but in the end it worked out for everyone.

So my recommendation is two-fold: Convince her to accompany your wife to a family care lawyer to get all the legal documents in place now before she needs them. And do the same with her bank accounts - your wife needs to be added as a joint owner.

Best of luck to you, goose5. You and your wife are in a tough situation and you have a lot of support here. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

Similar situation with my MIL.

Unless the person is really badly demented, they have the right to make mistakes. They can choose to refuse treatment or choose to stay at home even if a senior facility would be somehow safer.

In that scenario, I think the family needs to respect the person's choices and make them own it. That is, if she doesn't want to do the compression machine, she suffers the pain. If she doesn't want to be in a senior living facility, she can deal with the annoyances of home ownership.

Let her flounder a bit, and don't rush to bail her out at every moment.

If the person doesn't realize how much assistance the family is providing, or is selfishly letting people do lots of work for them, then backing off a bit is good for everyone. Good for the senior, but also good for the family that is at wit's end.

Now if the person is sufficiently cognitively impaired, the responsibility for the family is to get the person into a better living situation. This is a really difficult process to manage. We've been through it with my sister and are reaching that point with the MIL.