So I know this fellow what likes to talk on a ham radio "HT" which of course everyone knows stands for "handheld transceiver." Ham operators have to use all sorts of acronyms and codes and special words or they are drummed out of the corps and their swords are broken.

In the quest to optimize HT performance, this ham purchased a special 3/8 wave antenna to replace the "rubber duck" that came with the radio. It was a very special antenna, but that meant that the antenna was quite long. So long, in fact, that the antenna came in two pieces and screwed together.

In this fellow's last few months of work, he endeavored to simplify the HT use and set it on his desk, connected to an antenna cable that led to a special outdoor antenna. He needed to put the long antenna away, and unscrewed the two parts to put them in a drawer in an antique Kennedy toolbox. There they sat, almost perfectly suited for that drawer width, until he wanted to take the HT out on the road.

Without thinking, apparently, the ham grabbed the lower part of the special antenna and affixed it to the radio. Off he went, walking the dog and listening to the traffic on two meter and 70 centimeter bands. Whenever he wanted to connect with a person on a local repeater, he keyed the mike and expected a response. But, nothing. On rare occasions he heard back from someone, but they always said "you're getting into the repeater but we just can't make out what you are saying."

He tried a few setting changes on the radio. Was it the microphone gain? Was it the transmitting mode? Was it the handheld microphone? Surely the original antenna wouldn't work better than the super special 3/8 wave antenna?

Then, one day, he had opportunity to volunteer as a SAG Wagon radio operator at the local marathon. He was pleased to take his personal HT along as a backup, since the race organizers were handing out official race radios. While there, he pulled out his radio to monitor the medical channel while the main radio was on the SAG channel.

The need for SAG Wagons was low, and the race, some six hours long, became boring at times. Moving around the equipment in the SAG Wagon, he noted his personal radio antenna had a strange antenna end. There, he saw brass threads, and down in the socket what appeared to be a coaxial connection. What? What was missing here? A little cap, some plastic cover?

The next day, he started an e-mail to the antenna manufacturer support staff, to get a replacement tip. He looked at their website to get the address, and right there, plain as day, was the antenna showing not a short little cap, but a full radiating element of some 16 inches length.

Yup, he thought, this was that super long antenna that worked well but was hard to use on a HT. That's a handheld transceiver, remember? The antenna is so long that it is whipping in the wind, just like the Aaron Tippin song says.

Now, where in the word did that antenna element go, he thought. He remembered that during retirement he had been working hard to simplify his life, to remove clutter, to divest himself of needless items. The toolbox! It has to be in the toolbox. He looked in the bottom drawer, one wide enough to hold an antenna element. Nope. But, in that drawer was a special ham radio "vector network analyzer" or VNA. Why wasn't the antenna element in that drawer?

He looked in the next drawer up. There, nestled across the dark green felt liner, was the element. Just sitting there, minding its own business. Could have been on the antenna, but no, it was gathering dust.

The fellow, a retired engineer, felt a bit bemused. His mind worked quickly to find the issue, once it was identified. But, he had been operating for a while without an important part of the antenna.

Is he doing OK? I'm not sure. He's glad to have the antenna back in order. He says it works much better now. But, he's worried that his mind isn't what it should be, or used to be.

I think he is going to leave the antenna put together. Even though it is really really long. As Aaron Tippin sang "there ain't nothing wrong with the radio" --- now.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: 4MUL8R,

Nicely done! You should submit that to QST.

I thought that antenna length was critical on transmitting units. The wrong length could cause you to fry the unit.
At least, that is what I recall from the CB craze back in the 1980s(?).