I tend to get verbose, so I will try to keep this short, and to the point.

I have a wife and five year old son. Things are good in this home. I'm close with my mother, but I don't speak at all anymore with my physically and emotionally abusive father. He is not welcome in my home after the way he behaved when I gave him a chance four years ago at Christmas. I stopped speaking to him within a few weeks of that, and in the following years, due to many factors I'll get into in a bit, my sister has now also shut him out, and my grandmother who turns 100 in a few months has also stopped speaking to him.

Most of it is that he is a raging alcoholic. The other part of it is that he's just fucking nuts. Classic narcissistic manipulator, playing all sides against each other and the perfect, consummate victim. Being picked up by my throat and being thrown across the room, twice in one session at about age nine, and discovering a poorly healed broken shoulder in an x-ray many years later was a turning point in my life. He has never apologized for it, says he doesn't remember.

There were a lot of little clues I ran across, growing up, but I eventually put the puzzle pieces together and flatly told my mother last February "he's a transsexual, isn't he?" And she confirmed it and told me oh so many things that she was purpled-faced embarrassed about. Apparently, he's been on hormone replacement therapy for the last six years and wants to have the surgery at age 67. She told him that if he did, she was leaving, because that's not what she signed up for, or agreed on. She told me she was incredibly ashamed and embarrassed about her situation.

She told him she wanted a divorce in October of '18 and he, a 6'2" man who was a linebacker in college, stood over her and ran the gamut about how she wouldn't be able to afford anything on her own on her police pension, she wouldn't have any insurance, and wouldn't have anyone to look out for her when she had medical problems. I told her that was blustering horseshit and she needed to talk to a divorce lawyer and that we have a spare bedroom that is her's at a moment's notice for as long as she needs, even if forever.

I unwittingly dropped the bomb on my sister about all this, thinking she knew more than she did. Nine months later, I decided to re-connect with my paternal uncle and grandmother that my father had always done nothing but bad-mouth, in an attempt to reconcile things for myself. This resulted in my grandmother calling my father and giving him an earful and concluding with "you need to fly out there and fix this!" before he hung up on her. Of course, this resulted in 36 hours of him alternating between shouting at, and cold-shouldering my mother. On hearing this, I decided that if no man in that side of the family wanted to step up and handle things, I'd just go ahead and go nuclear option.

I called up my grandmother and I told her I'd heard about her phone call and that it all blew back on my mother, and then I asked her if she wanted to know what her son's problem was. She said yes. I warned her it would be ugly and there was no going back, and did she still want to know? She paused, and then said "yes." So I told her everything. The physical and verbal abuse, the drinking, the drugging, the fact that her brother raped all of her sons, and that my father was a transsexual. "And this is why my father isn't welcome at my table, and never will be welcome around my son. He's a broken individual, and while I respect your need to try to fix family issues, this is one that you cannot, should not try to involve yourself in. Because anything you say is simply going to blow back on my mother. While I welcome you back into my life, it cannot come at the cost of my son's relationship with his grandmother." She agreed. Then she asked me "what do you want me to do with this information?" I told her I couldn't tell her what to do, but if she wanted to keep hearing from me, she'd keep it under her hat until at least after the holiday season.

Then yesterday around 1pm, my mother texted my sister and I to let us know she had been admitted to the hospital with the worst pain in her life. She's got clusters of kidney stones in both kidneys and... we were both of us trying to confirm this, but she was already on tramadol at the time, has a 10cm kidney stone lodged in a ureter. I showed her a picture of a 9mm cartridge base and said what it was and asked "are you sure that's right? MM or CM?" and she replied "I'm not sure, the doctor said it was the size of a ping pong ball." So I guess the CM was probably accurate.

She went in for an exploratory surgery today, and said they were going to put a stent in and then send her to another hospital to try to ultrasonically break up the stones.

My sister told me she got a guilt-trip text from our father a few hours after we both knew what was going on. He had apparently dropped her off at the hospital and immediately left and went home. 45 minute drive to the hospital. This, after not talking to her since last week when she went and spent Christmas with my sister and her boyfriend instead of staying at home with "him." He's also chain smoking in the house now and she's been quit for almost fifteen years now.

I told my wife about all this stuff and she said "I didn't tell you at the time because I didn't want to chance it ruining Christmas for you, but he called on Christmas. I saw the house number and answered, thinking it was your mother, but I forgot she was visiting your sister. It was your dad. He said 'Merry Chrismas' and I was caught off guard and replied the same, then the next words out of his mouth were 'I don't know what's wrong with my son' and replied 'well, maybe take some time and think about that, but I don't feel comfortable being put in the middle. I have to go' and hung up."


It's never been clearer to me he flat doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. Everything, everything in this fucked-up individual's life that goes wrong is somebody else's fault. I've spent the last year questioning or throwing out every fucking piece of shit knowledge I was taught by this person. I was supposed to learn how to be a man by a person who wanted nothing more than to be a woman their whole life. I'm frankly alarmed and terrified for my mother, and she's in recovery from surgery with no family there. I mean, who takes their wife to the hospital when they're complaining of the worst pain they've ever felt in their life and drops them off and turns around to head home and get tuned up because they're not going to let it ruin their New Year's? I feel like I shouldn't be astounded, but my jaw literally dropped when I read that.

My mother's in an abusive relationship with someone who honestly really needs to seek mental help. My sister and I are discussing splitting the tab on a consultation with a divorce lawyer for my mother as soon as she's well enough. I still haven't heard back from her about surgery and since there's nobody there at the hospital with her, I can't even check in on her. If you've read this far, I appreciate it. I'm in Seattle area and she's about 20 minutes from Montreal or my ass would be on a plane right now. In fact, if things aren't looking up in the next 24, I might be anyway, and it will be a goddamn shit-show when I get there.



*Edited out distressed from the thread title. Doesn't feel applicable now. I feel calm, and focused now after much reflection and input, and I thank you all.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: P220 Smudge,

Holy crap.

Just wishing all of you the best.

i did not read your whole post, but enough of it.

Your last sentence where you state "shit show" seem's more than apparent.

My advice is this. Do not forgot who "your" family is and take care of them. The rest can be someone else's problem if they so choose. You are under no obligation to try to fix things that cannot be fixed.

Happy new year btw.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: old rugged cross,

I know you want to help your mom but let me ask a question first. Does she want to be helped? The fact that she hadn't already split the scene is troubling.

Regardless, I'm here for you, bro.

I grew up with an alcoholic father, with all the attending baggage, the exception being he wasn't physically abusive.

My mother divorced him after 20 years and a couple years later married another troubled soul.

The second man provided fairly well over the years and out of the blue after they both retired, he became physically abusive and threatening. She called me to advise of having called leo several times due to his threats to kill her. I offered her my home (different state) no strings attached. She declined. Didn't want to lose her house that she has with her husband.

Guys typically want to fix things, its how we're wired. I knew this, also there is a principle called 'learned helplessness'.

To be frank, I walked away from the issue. My mother is an adult and made adult decision to stay with the man. I can't fix the situation, nor can anyone else help until she decides to leave.

Whoa.

Do not do anything you'll regret.

quote:

Originally posted by old rugged cross:
My advice is this. Do not forgot who "your" family is and take care of them. The rest can be someone else's problem if they so choose. You are under no obligation to try to fix things that cannot be fixed.

Agreed. I saw my FIL deal with a very abusive mother who turned into a drug seeker later in life and was mentally / emotionally awful to be around.

We cut her off from our children and eventually the FIL and all the other kids cut her off too. They tried many times over the years to help her but came to the conclusion they had to choose between their own health and keeping in touch with her. The FIL had several cardiac issues due to the excessive stress of dealing with her and had to throw in the towel.

I hope you and sis are able to get or give the help mom desperately needs. I dont have advice to offer but I am a good listener. Shoot me an email, I will forward my phone# if you would like. John

When I got to the part of "raging alcoholic," I nearly stopped reading. That says it all, in my opinion.

You can't help.

You can help YOU. Maybe find a men's Al-Anon group. I'm not kidding. I've been going to one for ten years, and not only are they a great bunch of guys, some of them have problems that make yours sound like a walk in the park. Shared disaster is a great adhesive, and finding solutions together leads to increased peace of mind.

"Detach, with love" is the short answer. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You CAN help yourself.

I can’t offer any more advice than Rugged Cross gave.
Take care of what you can, cut toxic people out of your life and you have my prayers. Good luck.

Take the advice to take care of your own family. Your mother doesn’t want help at this point, may never, and your father is likely beyond redemption and you should stay away so nothing worse happens.
Easy for me to say, harder to do but give it some time and cool off.

If you’re going to Montreal FOCUS on your mom. Really FOCUS. That is why you’re (or will be) there.

Don’t be baited into something.

Yikes! What a crazy mess. I think the best advice has already been given: Take care of and protect your own family (as you already are), be there for you Mom when/if she decides to escape this individual (as you already are), and the hardest part, don’t jump in with both feet until you are sure how deep the water is. I’m convinced that as a man one of the hardest things we have to deal with is the problem of someone we care about that we can’t fix. Sending good thoughts your way.

She surely seemed resolved to change her situation when she was here in February and was talking about moving in with her mother because she needs help.

Then she went home and went dark.

A while back, I read through the checklist of "battered wife syndrome" symptoms and she checked a startling number of boxes.

It's just so defeating. I love my mother and we get along well, and she didn't want to be the baby tossed out with the bath water when I stopped talking to my father, and for quite a while, she was. But if she has chosen to stay in that bed, rather than make healthier choices for herself, even if they're hard, then when she's well enough, I will have to have a very honest conversation with her about her being a venue for my father to further drag toxicity into my life. She'll always be his 'ace in the hole' as a way to mess with me. I'm not having it. Done is done.

I just heard back from my mother. She's in recovery and more lucid. It is a 10mm stone, and they had her doped to the gills yesterday. Apparently the doctor cracking a joke about it being as big as a ping pong ball was right in line with him opting to discharge her this afternoon. The nurses all objected due to her pain level, and she'll be there through the night. I asked to clarify whether she sent my father home because she didn't want him around, or if he left on his own. She said he claimed to be tired because he only got a few hours of sleep because of her moaning in pain. She thought it was funny. I do not, not in the very least.

I appreciate the replies, and they pretty much confirm my initial inclination: My mother allowed years of this to go on, and she's actively participating in it even now, even though every other last person in "his" life has walked away. I hate to leave her holding the bag, but there's literally everything for me to lose by flying out there, and nothing to gain.

She goes to the other hospital in about 12 hours for the ultrasonic stone-smasher treatment, and we'll see where it goes from there.

I cut this man out of my life for very good reasons. This is why. It's New Year's and I should be happy and looking forward to the upcoming year. Instead, I'm thinking things I shouldn't. And with that, I'm going to shut it all off, and watch a movie or something and think about other things.

I appreciate the replies.

My history is that in 2005,I decided that my father was perpetually angry, was getting unstable and possibly dangerous. My parents divorced when I was 1 and I was his only child. I decided to end all contact with him and his side of the family as an added layer of precaution. I had/have no ill will toward my Aunt and Uncles but I needed to make a clean break. In 2014 my maternal Aunt told my Mother, who then told me, that father suck-started a .45 in front of my Grandmother. I was surprised that my father only decided to off himself. Obviously, I did not regret my choice for ceasing all contact with my father in 2005, I am glad he never attended my Wedding nor met his first Grandson (Wifey was expecting our second Son when the suicide went down).

So since you asked, your Top priority is keeping you and your nuclear family safe. All other family members are secondary and should be considered acceptable collateral damage if they compromise your ability to perform your top priority.

You cannot pick the family you come from.

I ended the relationship with my abusive father 15 years ago. 35 years of physical and mental abuse were enough. I didn't want my children around it. His presence was toxic for my marriage. The last 15 years have been great. I miss the father I wanted him to be. I do not miss the father I had. Will always love him because he is my father. Love does not require you to allow someone to create a toxic environment for you or your loved ones.

As far as your Mom is concerned, that is where it gets really tough. For me, I told my Mom she could call me anytime or come visit if she wanted. However, under no circumstances was he allowed around. If he showed up at my door, I would have a sheriff escort him off the property if necessary.

The Al-Anon suggestion is not a bad one if you are up to it. I went for a while and it did help me out.

Good luck, the road ahead will be rough. God bless.

quote:

I will try to keep this short, and to the point.

Based on the number of views and the few replies, I think, like me, that most of us have nothing to add to the sage advice already offered. But know that we will all have you in our prayers. May He give you peace.

quote:

Originally posted by smschulz:

quote:

I will try to keep this short, and to the point.

Awesome, tangible, pithy.

Wow! I read it all and amazed at the stuff families go through. My personal experience with family is a cake walk in comparison. Clearly, choices were made that you couldn't possibly address then or now. Be there for mom, the kidney stone thing is painful and uncomfortable as well as dangerous. Forgive the crazy people, move on and take care of the ones closest to you. Prayer lifted up for you and your family.