Drop by and say hello. I had an aunt and uncle that lived down the road a bit. I always told them to call and let me know what I could do for them. They never called. Anytime I went over just to hang out, they would let me help out with the yard work, dump rums, trash etc. I would reiterate to call me anytime I was happy to help, they never did. There was plenty to do around their house, but they didn't want to be a bother.

quote:

Originally posted by Aeteocles:
Come over, bring some pie or cake, and just enjoy their friendship.

They'll call if they need.

In the absence of their call, though, you still get to be their friend. And friends hang out sometimes, without having to be a busy body.

This, stop by in person, bring something like a pie or something you cooked and would like them to try (as a reason for going). See how they're doing, play it by ear......then tell them that you're bored and like doing things like that.

Make an impromptu visit and let them know how good it make you feel to help. Good on you for being a great neighbor!!

quote:

Originally posted by PHPaul:
He's pretty much on liquids and very soft food due to throat issues.

...

I'll call and see what day it will be convenient (multiple doctor's appointments for both of them, nearly every week.) and just go chew the fat. I do visit for a half-hour or so every time I go over but it's always after taking care of everything else.

I know other posters have mentioned pie/cake/pastry, but given the throat issues perhaps stop by on the weekend with their favorite flavor of milkshake. On the weekend there aren't doctors appointments, and the milkshake would be a treat you could chat over that wouldn't affect his throat.

His mention of suicide? Take it seriously. I was in a similar situation before I left Dayton with an elderly neighbor couple I was doing yard work for.
The husband took his own life.

quote:

About the only people I can honestly call "friends"

I think this is the crux. You're a good guy and want to help, but if helping is an issue to one of them, and not-helping an issue to the other, you're in a pickle.

They are both friends, maybe go over with any premise/excuse (any anniversaries/birthdays coming up?) and spend time with them, without doing any chores. See what happens. If all he has been seeing of you is your coming by to do stuff he used to be able to do, it may be that your visits have come to remind him of his declining abilities.

I agree to stop by, but you might see if your wife will go over with you. It gives you backup, and might help calm things. Your wife might be able to evaluate from a slightly different direction. Also, if you take a pie or something, she can present it.

In any case, I hope things work out well on this. Like you've said, friends can be far and few between.

Definitely check in on them.

If they are friends I would just ask when was a good time to come over and hang out. Don't ask to do anything just let them know you would enjoy just hanging out and talking to them.

Drop by and check on them and go from their.

quote:

Originally posted by MikeinNC:
You’re a good guy Paul.

Go stop by and just shoot the breeze.

Yes. I'd begin with stating that I'd not heard from them in a while and was concerned that they might not be all right.

flashguy

I called earlier this evening and all is as well as can be expected under the circumstances.

Going over tomorrow afternoon for coffee and BS session. I'll make a point of not doing anything else unless and until they ask.

quote:

Originally posted by joel9507:

quote:

About the only people I can honestly call "friends"

I think this is the crux. You're a good guy and want to help, but if helping is an issue to one of them, and not-helping an issue to the other, you're in a pickle.

They are both friends, maybe go over with any premise/excuse (any anniversaries/birthdays coming up?) and spend time with them, without doing any chores. See what happens. If all he has been seeing of you is your coming by to do stuff he used to be able to do, it may be that your visits have come to remind him of his declining abilities.

I suspect you're correct. As mentioned above, I'm going over tomorrow just to visit.

Perhaps its the asshole in me but if they are truly what you consider friends then I would tell em to "kiss my ass I'm helping you out."

"Get ill about it if you want but that's what friends do."

If the relationship isn't close enough for that amount of honesty then just step back and see if the ask for help later on.

I think you are doing about all you can do.

I agree that you should just ask if you can drop by to just chat. Don't only go over to do a task.

Perhaps feeling unable to repay your kindness is tough on his pride and she’s sticking by man, both admirable qualities but not helpful under the circumstances. You might want to consider calling asking her for a recipe for something, and asking him for “advice” occasionally. Maybe making them feel like they help you out too is a way to square things. Can’t hurt to try.

Do a safety & wellness check, with coffee & donuts or lobstas

They are your friends. Stop in (as long as it doesn’t stress them- if the house has to be just so, with food and drink at the ready, perhaps call first). Say hey.
Is their house on the way anywhere? Groceries, etc? Easy excuse to drop in. Visit and then say, I’ll swing by again, if that’s ok.. and create a pattern of morning coffee or afternoon fruit, etc..figure out what time of day least interferes with their lives and med requirements.

When COVID hit last spring, I made a point of calling my dad every morning to check on him and my mom (they are out of state in winter). When they returned in the spring, I continued to call daily. Only a few minutes time, making a joke of it, but he’s tolerated it so far, and answers the phone every morn (I call within an hour or so of the same time). That way he can hang up and walk away without dealing with me packing up and leaving while he tries to go about his day.


I agree with the posters that indicate family may be suspicious of your intentions, and that the man of the house may be feeling his own inadequacies, but maybe your friends are worried about you, too. If they have younger helpers, maybe they think the younger folks can do those chores and don’t realize you thrive on being busy and want to help. Maybe reminiscing and keeping up on the day’s events is all they really need from you at this point.

You are a good person. And if you haven’t stated it so boldly, maybe you need to tell them how dear they are to you and how much it means for you to be able to visit with them.

ETA: if it’s comfortable for all parties, involve your wife in communications- that way she can be the liaison between his wife and you?

Hey, maybe ride there on your Kubota to get the conversation started!

Perhaps starting a weekly game session with both of them involved.

Dominos, Gin Rummy, Spades, Bridge, a board game.

Maybe drop off a jigsaw puzzle you just happen to have.

Or maybe they'd like to go for a car ride, maybe see the Fall leaves change, or something.

You're a good man and a good friend, best wishes to you and them.

Went to visit today, and did nothing but chat for an hour or so.

All is back to normal, I think I just need to make sure the visits don't get impersonal and too task-oriented again.