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What would you do? Interpersonal advice needed. Login/Join 
Three Generations
of Service
Picture of PHPaul
posted
About the only people I can honestly call "friends" (versus acquaintances) are an older couple, both in their 80's and both in VERY poor health.

She has spinal arthritis, a bad heart and has had a stroke. He has untreatable degenerative joint disease in both hips, was on a feeding tube for a couple of years due to throat issues and other problems. Both are barely mobile with walkers.

I met him at my last duty station, he was the DoD Guard Supervisor, I worked with him training the Auxiliary Security Force as Small Arms Instructor and Rangemaster.

I had been going over every Sunday afternoon to collect and take the garbage to the pickup point (several hundred feet from the house) as she was worried he'd fall (he has several times in various situations) and she wouldn't have a prayer of getting him back on his feet. While there, I'd take care of any other household tasks that were too physical for them and maybe run to the nearby town and pick up a few things for them.

He worries that they're "taking advantage of my friendship" which is silly and I've told them so. It's a few minutes away by car, I'm retired with nothing on my schedule and I'm happy to help them out.

He gets upset with her for calling me and I think he also recognizes and resents the fact that his independence is waning daily.

A couple of weeks ago, as I was getting ready for my weekly visit, he called and told me not to bother, he had it covered. I said "Okay, call me if you need me."

After a couple of weeks of no contact, I emailed her and said "I'm not comfortable going against his wishes. He thinks he can handle things on his own. I know you disagree, but it puts me in an uncomfortable position. Again, call me if you need me."

Now I think she's pissed at me as I haven't heard a peep out of either of them. I usually get a couple of emails a week from her, even if just to forward a joke or political screed.

I guess I should probably call or just "stop in for a visit" but I'm unsure how to handle this.

Advice would be welcome, but mostly I just needed to get this off my chest.




Be careful when following the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
 
Posts: 15638 | Location: Downeast Maine | Registered: March 10, 2010Reply With QuoteReport This Post
No, not like
Bill Clinton
Picture of BigSwede
posted Hide Post
In person visit, would have to play it by ear.

They might have found someone they can pay to do the chores, as not to feel that they are taking advantage



 
Posts: 5733 | Location: GA | Registered: September 23, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Crusty old
curmudgeon
Picture of Jimbo54
posted Hide Post
Personally I'd get over there to see if they are okay. Do they have anyone else that checks up on them?

You don't want to feel responsible if something has happened to them and you didn't check on them.

Jim


________________________

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll have to be a horrible warning" -Catherine Aird
 
Posts: 9791 | Location: The right side of Washington State | Registered: September 14, 2008Reply With QuoteReport This Post
quarter MOA visionary
Picture of smschulz
posted Hide Post
quote:
I guess I should probably call or just "stop in for a visit" but I'm unsure how to handle this.


Yes, I agree you need to go talk to then and work it out.
PS ... not by email or text ~ so much can get lost in the translation.
Best as an in=person visit.
YMMV
 
Posts: 23418 | Location: Houston, TX | Registered: June 11, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Ammoholic
posted Hide Post
Second the check up on them.

I totally get how they feel (he feels). Come up with something they can do for you so he doesn’t feel like he’s taking advantage. A slice of pie, a cup of that really good coffee, a glass of lemonade, some advice on a “problem” or situation that “you could benefit from his insight on”, whatever. Just give him something that he/they can do for you so it doesn’t feel like a one sided exchange / charity. Pride is a bitch, helping him hold onto his could make it a lot easier for him.
 
Posts: 7221 | Location: Lost, but making time. | Registered: February 23, 2011Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
posted Hide Post
The guy has issues regarding his inadequacy. Skilled confrontation could solve the problem if you are up to the task. Clearly the next step is assissted living or as they call it back East, a rest home. An alternative would be contacting other younger family members.
 
Posts: 17703 | Location: Stuck at home | Registered: January 02, 2015Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of bigdeal
posted Hide Post
First, thank you for giving back. Second, I'd probably send them both an email telling them how much you appreciate their friendship and also thanking them for allowing you to be a part of their lives. Leave it with, I'm sorry if I upset the apple cart with you, it was never my intent. If you ever need anything in the future, I'd be happy to help.

That's about all you can do given the circumstances.


-----------------------------
Guns are awesome because they shoot solid lead freedom. Every man should have several guns. And several dogs, because a man with a cat is a woman. Kurt Schlichter
 
Posts: 33845 | Location: Orlando, FL | Registered: April 30, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Drill Here, Drill Now
Picture of tatortodd
posted Hide Post
First off, good on you for taking care of your friends.

I read it a couple times and one thing I didn't see was sitting down and visiting while you're there. Perhaps you're doing that and just didn't write about it.
quote:
Originally posted by PHPaul:
I guess I should probably call or just "stop in for a visit" but I'm unsure how to handle this.
If they're mobility limited they might not be getting much in person interaction. Perhaps stopping in for a visit and just talking is something they'd enjoy.

I write all of the above since I'm a very task oriented person and as I've grown older I've come to realize (i.e. I finally listened to the people who've pointed it out for years) that I tend to get so task focused that I botch the interpersonal aspect.
quote:
Originally posted by slosig:
...some advice on a “problem” or situation that “you could benefit from his insight on”, whatever. Just give him something that he/they can do for you so it doesn’t feel like a one sided exchange / charity. Pride is a bitch, helping him hold onto his could make it a lot easier for him.
Good post



Ego is the anesthesia that deadens the pain of stupidity

DISCLAIMER: These are the author's own personal views and do not represent the views of the author's employer.
 
Posts: 23957 | Location: Northern Suburbs of Houston | Registered: November 14, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
eh-TEE-oh-clez
Picture of Aeteocles
posted Hide Post
Come over, bring some pie or cake, and just enjoy their friendship.

They'll call if they need.

In the absence of their call, though, you still get to be their friend. And friends hang out sometimes, without having to be a busy body.
 
Posts: 13067 | Location: Orange County, California | Registered: May 19, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Green grass and
high tides
Picture of old rugged cross
posted Hide Post
I agree with others. Are there family members around? If not I would definitely be checking on them. Welfare checks. Don't offer to help with stuff unless the opportunity presents itself.

I won't go into details here as it can be disturbing. But had friends in a similar situation that was brought to an end by one of them. I understand why, but still was not ideal by any means.

I am guessing that could be a concern of yours.

Good for you for staying interested in them.



"Practice like you want to play in the game"
 
Posts: 19961 | Registered: September 21, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
semi-reformed sailor
Picture of MikeinNC
posted Hide Post
You’re a good guy Paul.

Go stop by and just shoot the breeze.



"Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor.” Robert A. Heinlein

“You may beat me, but you will never win.” sigmonkey-2020

“A single round of buckshot to the torso almost always results in an immediate change of behavior.” Chris Baker
 
Posts: 11574 | Location: Temple, Texas! | Registered: October 07, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
chickenshit
Picture of rsbolo
posted Hide Post
You are a good friend. Friends stop on by and chat.

Good luck.


____________________________
Yes, Para does appreciate humor.
 
Posts: 8000 | Location: East Central FL | Registered: January 05, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of HayesGreener
posted Hide Post
Do they have any kids or grandkids around? A lot of folks that age get paranoid about the motives of others. Maybe they or their heirs think you want something from them. I would drop off a box of pastries or some other ice breaker with a nice note to be sure they are OK, and be on your way. If they need you they can call, otherwise you have done what you can and leave it at that.


CMSGT USAF (Retired)
Chief of Police (Retired)
 
Posts: 4381 | Location: Florida Panhandle | Registered: September 27, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Oriental Redneck
Picture of 12131
posted Hide Post
You haven't heard from them at all? Maybe one of them is in the hospital? Definitely try to find out. Go over.


Q






 
Posts: 28225 | Location: TEXAS | Registered: September 04, 2008Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Funny Man
Picture of TXJIM
posted Hide Post
I am with the just stop in crowd with a caveat:

Go with a plan to address the issue, not just act like nothing has happened. Let them know that you understand how they feel and that you value their friendship and miss seeing them regularly. Let them know you would still like to see them regularly regardless if they need your help with anything. Set up a regular time/day for your visits (how about I stop by for coffee every other Tuesday to shoot the breeze?)

You are all grown adults, don't let a little awkward bump in the road derail a long friendship.


______________________________
“I'd like to know why well-educated idiots keep apologizing for lazy and complaining people who think the world owes them a living.”
― John Wayne
 
Posts: 7093 | Location: Austin, TX | Registered: June 29, 2010Reply With QuoteReport This Post
The Main Thing Is
Not To Get Excited
Picture of wishfull thinker
posted Hide Post
You could consider dropping by with something, anything, food, flowers, fall canned goods, and make the short conversation about how you have missed coming by. sort of leave it up to them to rescue you from your own company. Razz

Good on you for helping them out and thinking of them.


_______________________

 
Posts: 6586 | Location: Washington | Registered: November 06, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Three Generations
of Service
Picture of PHPaul
posted Hide Post
quote:
Originally posted by Jimbo54:
Personally I'd get over there to see if they are okay. Do they have anyone else that checks up on them?

You don't want to feel responsible if something has happened to them and you didn't check on them.

Jim


They have a woman that comes in weekly to clean, and drops by from time to time. If they were in trouble, I'd have heard.




Be careful when following the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
 
Posts: 15638 | Location: Downeast Maine | Registered: March 10, 2010Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Three Generations
of Service
Picture of PHPaul
posted Hide Post
To answer a few questions posed above:

No, no family in state. They're from New Jersey and all their kids are there. I get the feeling that relations with the kids are somewhat strained anyway.

He has already stated if it weren't for his wife, he'd end his suffering his own way. As long as he's in his right mind, I'm confident he wouldn't do it, but I see signs of him slipping.

They have neighbors that bring a meal by at least daily. He's pretty much on liquids and very soft food due to throat issues.

Another neighbor keeps the lawn mowed and trimmed, using their equipment and gas.

I have accepted money "for gas" when they insist but tell them "Money, I've got...Friends not so much."

I'll call and see what day it will be convenient (multiple doctor's appointments for both of them, nearly every week.) and just go chew the fat. I do visit for a half-hour or so every time I go over but it's always after taking care of everything else.




Be careful when following the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
 
Posts: 15638 | Location: Downeast Maine | Registered: March 10, 2010Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Web Clavin Extraordinaire
Picture of Oat_Action_Man
posted Hide Post
Agree with the suggestion to stop by with some coffee or something. I'd just hang out and chat like friends and not offer to do anything for them. Just be present.


----------------------------

Chuck Norris put the laughter in "manslaughter"

Educating the youth of America, one declension at a time.
 
Posts: 19837 | Location: SE PA | Registered: January 12, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
posted Hide Post
All of the above replies are correct and awesome(why I love this forum). Stop by, and tell them you love them, and you just want to help. Lord Bless all three of you. Pleas update this thread to let us know what happens.


Two things bring me to tears. The unconditional Love of God,the service of the United States Military,past,present,and future.

I would rather meet
a slick-sleeve private,
than a hollywood star!
 
Posts: 2349 | Registered: February 28, 2008Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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