About the only people I can honestly call "friends" (versus acquaintances) are an older couple, both in their 80's and both in VERY poor health.

She has spinal arthritis, a bad heart and has had a stroke. He has untreatable degenerative joint disease in both hips, was on a feeding tube for a couple of years due to throat issues and other problems. Both are barely mobile with walkers.

I met him at my last duty station, he was the DoD Guard Supervisor, I worked with him training the Auxiliary Security Force as Small Arms Instructor and Rangemaster.

I had been going over every Sunday afternoon to collect and take the garbage to the pickup point (several hundred feet from the house) as she was worried he'd fall (he has several times in various situations) and she wouldn't have a prayer of getting him back on his feet. While there, I'd take care of any other household tasks that were too physical for them and maybe run to the nearby town and pick up a few things for them.

He worries that they're "taking advantage of my friendship" which is silly and I've told them so. It's a few minutes away by car, I'm retired with nothing on my schedule and I'm happy to help them out.

He gets upset with her for calling me and I think he also recognizes and resents the fact that his independence is waning daily.

A couple of weeks ago, as I was getting ready for my weekly visit, he called and told me not to bother, he had it covered. I said "Okay, call me if you need me."

After a couple of weeks of no contact, I emailed her and said "I'm not comfortable going against his wishes. He thinks he can handle things on his own. I know you disagree, but it puts me in an uncomfortable position. Again, call me if you need me."

Now I think she's pissed at me as I haven't heard a peep out of either of them. I usually get a couple of emails a week from her, even if just to forward a joke or political screed.

I guess I should probably call or just "stop in for a visit" but I'm unsure how to handle this.

Advice would be welcome, but mostly I just needed to get this off my chest.

In person visit, would have to play it by ear.

They might have found someone they can pay to do the chores, as not to feel that they are taking advantage

Personally I'd get over there to see if they are okay. Do they have anyone else that checks up on them?

You don't want to feel responsible if something has happened to them and you didn't check on them.

Jim

quote:

I guess I should probably call or just "stop in for a visit" but I'm unsure how to handle this.

Yes, I agree you need to go talk to then and work it out.
PS ... not by email or text ~ so much can get lost in the translation.
Best as an in=person visit.
YMMV

Second the check up on them.

I totally get how they feel (he feels). Come up with something they can do for you so he doesn’t feel like he’s taking advantage. A slice of pie, a cup of that really good coffee, a glass of lemonade, some advice on a “problem” or situation that “you could benefit from his insight on”, whatever. Just give him something that he/they can do for you so it doesn’t feel like a one sided exchange / charity. Pride is a bitch, helping him hold onto his could make it a lot easier for him.

The guy has issues regarding his inadequacy. Skilled confrontation could solve the problem if you are up to the task. Clearly the next step is assissted living or as they call it back East, a rest home. An alternative would be contacting other younger family members.

First, thank you for giving back. Second, I'd probably send them both an email telling them how much you appreciate their friendship and also thanking them for allowing you to be a part of their lives. Leave it with, I'm sorry if I upset the apple cart with you, it was never my intent. If you ever need anything in the future, I'd be happy to help.

That's about all you can do given the circumstances.

First off, good on you for taking care of your friends.

I read it a couple times and one thing I didn't see was sitting down and visiting while you're there. Perhaps you're doing that and just didn't write about it.

quote:

Originally posted by PHPaul:
I guess I should probably call or just "stop in for a visit" but I'm unsure how to handle this.

If they're mobility limited they might not be getting much in person interaction. Perhaps stopping in for a visit and just talking is something they'd enjoy.

I write all of the above since I'm a very task oriented person and as I've grown older I've come to realize (i.e. I finally listened to the people who've pointed it out for years) that I tend to get so task focused that I botch the interpersonal aspect.

quote:

Originally posted by slosig:
...some advice on a “problem” or situation that “you could benefit from his insight on”, whatever. Just give him something that he/they can do for you so it doesn’t feel like a one sided exchange / charity. Pride is a bitch, helping him hold onto his could make it a lot easier for him.

Good post

Come over, bring some pie or cake, and just enjoy their friendship.

They'll call if they need.

In the absence of their call, though, you still get to be their friend. And friends hang out sometimes, without having to be a busy body.

I agree with others. Are there family members around? If not I would definitely be checking on them. Welfare checks. Don't offer to help with stuff unless the opportunity presents itself.

I won't go into details here as it can be disturbing. But had friends in a similar situation that was brought to an end by one of them. I understand why, but still was not ideal by any means.

I am guessing that could be a concern of yours.

Good for you for staying interested in them.

You’re a good guy Paul.

Go stop by and just shoot the breeze.

You are a good friend. Friends stop on by and chat.

Good luck.

Do they have any kids or grandkids around? A lot of folks that age get paranoid about the motives of others. Maybe they or their heirs think you want something from them. I would drop off a box of pastries or some other ice breaker with a nice note to be sure they are OK, and be on your way. If they need you they can call, otherwise you have done what you can and leave it at that.

You haven't heard from them at all? Maybe one of them is in the hospital? Definitely try to find out. Go over.

I am with the just stop in crowd with a caveat:

Go with a plan to address the issue, not just act like nothing has happened. Let them know that you understand how they feel and that you value their friendship and miss seeing them regularly. Let them know you would still like to see them regularly regardless if they need your help with anything. Set up a regular time/day for your visits (how about I stop by for coffee every other Tuesday to shoot the breeze?)

You are all grown adults, don't let a little awkward bump in the road derail a long friendship.

You could consider dropping by with something, anything, food, flowers, fall canned goods, and make the short conversation about how you have missed coming by. sort of leave it up to them to rescue you from your own company.

Good on you for helping them out and thinking of them.

quote:

Originally posted by Jimbo54:
Personally I'd get over there to see if they are okay. Do they have anyone else that checks up on them?

You don't want to feel responsible if something has happened to them and you didn't check on them.

Jim

They have a woman that comes in weekly to clean, and drops by from time to time. If they were in trouble, I'd have heard.

To answer a few questions posed above:

No, no family in state. They're from New Jersey and all their kids are there. I get the feeling that relations with the kids are somewhat strained anyway.

He has already stated if it weren't for his wife, he'd end his suffering his own way. As long as he's in his right mind, I'm confident he wouldn't do it, but I see signs of him slipping.

They have neighbors that bring a meal by at least daily. He's pretty much on liquids and very soft food due to throat issues.

Another neighbor keeps the lawn mowed and trimmed, using their equipment and gas.

I have accepted money "for gas" when they insist but tell them "Money, I've got...Friends not so much."

I'll call and see what day it will be convenient (multiple doctor's appointments for both of them, nearly every week.) and just go chew the fat. I do visit for a half-hour or so every time I go over but it's always after taking care of everything else.

Agree with the suggestion to stop by with some coffee or something. I'd just hang out and chat like friends and not offer to do anything for them. Just be present.

All of the above replies are correct and awesome(why I love this forum). Stop by, and tell them you love them, and you just want to help. Lord Bless all three of you. Pleas update this thread to let us know what happens.