Looking for some guidance on an elder having to be placed because there are no other options. And they resist the placement with all they have. How did it play out in your situation?
We are dealing with a female who cannot be cared for at home any longer. Cannot walk. Has a falling history. Cannot do bathroom things. full time incontinence issues. Cannot bath herself. Can't dress, etc.

This situation we new would happen if she lived long enough.

All options have been exercised for a long period of time. Cannot continue and this is the only option.
She has said she will not go. Here spouse has power of attorney and she has been placed.

She is pissed, hates everyone, trying to call anyone to get her out. It has not gone great for the first several days.

What did you do and how did it play out.




Thanks all.

Went through this with my Dad and Mom.

Dad was having some of the same issues and refused to go to a home. We hired in home care company a few months earlier and they were a disaster. Expensive and didn’t do what we thought they would do.

My mom tried to do her best to do what she could but she was a petite 90 year old lady.

After we went through the in home experience my mom refused to pay any more money for my dad’s care. We did have a non certified lady friend that my parents paid to help with my dad’s care and house cleaning, shopping etc.

My mom became very angry at us kids. She thought we were trying to conspire against her. It was a sad scene in the end.

My mom passed suddenly 9 months later and had a heart attack, so she didn’t suffer and languish like my dad.

I wish you luck. It’s not a good situation.

My dad was at that point and refused to go. His sister (my aunt) ended up getting him to sign power of attorney, gave him a bunch of Benadryl and put him into a nursing home. This was during covid and he ended up dying of covid before we could get anyone to investigate her. Her plan was to take everything he had but thankfully he had very little.

My mom was to that point and did not want to go and my step dad did not want to put her there. She ended having a stroke, could no longer talk and was admitted for about a year before she passed away. After the stoke she could not refuse since she was on a feeding tube.

It’s not pleasant and people are selfish by making the family suffer for lack of planning on their own part. Rescuing to go when you cannot care for yourself is nothing but selfishness. I did not live close to either of my parents, many years prior I offered to buy land and let them live near me. I saw what was coming and tried to plan for it but they refused.

My wife and I will make sure we do not do that to our daughter. Although I do tend to make fun of her and tell her that some day she will be changing my diapers.

I hope things get better when she realizes that she is going to stay there.

I went thru this almost 18 months ago. It's not pleasant. Love on her, visit often; it eases the hate. I'll tell you what people told me, it passes in about 6 months. In my case it may have been a little longer.

It was for the best. She also was falling frequently, it became an untenable situation. Wife had a friend die on the floor following stroke. I know they don't realize it's for their own good; you have the satisfaction knowing it is. Prayers my friend.

Thank you guys.

Currently going through this with my mother in law.
She's in a care facility. Not quite a nursing home. Not nearly as bad as the OP situation. But, her short term memory is gone, and has on occasion really ramped up the belligerence. We had talked about giving a car to one of my kids because she hasn't been able to drive for a few years. She said she wanted to drive it one last time. Her legs are so swollen with edema she couldn't operate the pedals, and I wasn't sure she remembered how to operate the pedals. We said not possible, and she hit the fucking roof. Accused my son of tricking her out of the car. Man I was loaded for bear at that point. My wife said don't say a word she's not going to remember it in a couple of days. A few days later she brought it up, but didn't remember saying anything to my son and denied it outright. We played her the voicemail she left him. Still didn't remember saying it.

What this taught me. Stay firm, but de-escalate. Don't get pissed and de-escalate.

Through some testing they've found something on her brain. MRI is next to determine what exactly it is. The point is rapidly approaching where we are going to have to sell her house to pay for her care. That is going to be the big blow out. When she gets pissed she's worse than a toddler. It breaks my heart to go there. All those people who can't live, but they can't die either. They don't want to be there. They're trapped. Thank God one side of my family grab their chest and that's it, and the other gets a cancer diagnosis and are gone in 6 months.

My parents both played it just about perfectly. Up in their 80's and had strokes and passed within days, about two years apart.
Other relatives have made up for that, I should have less of an obligation since they did mostly zero to plan. But that's not easy either.

I cared for my mother the last 12 years of her life. She died of end stage dementia at 83.She was deathly afraid of any type of care facility. I promised her she would never have to leave our home and she did not.

That promise was the hardest one too keep I ever made. My mother died in the same room she was born in. My prayers are with you because I know what you are going through.

Have you spoken with the facility about counseling of some sort? It is a more common than not situation for the person to dislike being placed in a facility.

My sister was unhappy with her placement, and it took several years for her to calm down moderately. She was not mentally capable of understanding why she needed to be in assisted living. We learned to think of it as if she were a child that we could provide a safe perimeter for. Her unhappiness was not under our control aside from small things like taking her out to lunch periodically.

We stopped trying to optimize her happiness. Her comfort and safety were provided as best was possible by the facility. Opportunities for activities and community were available. Infirmity is what it is. Their previous youthful life no longer is possible. Of course they are unhappy.

Both my mother, age 95, and mother-in-law, age 87, are actively resisting going to any facility. We are taking the approach that they are entitled to choose the risks of living alone. Both have some help coming in daily. We're choosing joy today, at some risk, over maximizing longevity by minimizing risk. If they get to where they need nearly 24 hour care, it will be difficult for all involved.

All I can offer you is the assurance that you are the responsible adult doing what is needed.