My mom was just diagnosed with a rare cancer, and doctors said 3 months is about the best we can hope for. I'm a bit worried for my dad. They are going on 52 years of marriage and he depends on her for a lot of things. I imagine a few folks on the forum have been through something like this. I'm just not sure what to expect from my dad and what I can do to help his transition to a life without my mom. He's 80 and in decent health for his age. He's outgoing and has a few hobbies, so I am hoping that he will keep himself busy and maintain a social life. I don't want him to stop living his life.

Very sorry to hear. We will be praying for your family.Find out how they split the chores in running the household. When my Mom died we found out that Dad had no clue about how to pay the bills, he couldn't even write a check.He may need schooling on diet and other things as well.

Jim

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Originally posted by Pal:
Very sorry to hear. We will be praying for your family.Find out how they split the chores in running the household. When my Mom died we found out that Dad had no clue about how to pay the bills, he couldn't even write a check.He may need schooling on diet and other things as well.

Jim

+1. Good advice and prayers said and sent from our family to yours.

I'm sorry to hear this.

We lost my dad to cancer after being married 52 years as well. It crushed my mom but she worked through the grief to a point where she continued on with her life. It has been about 6 years and she is doing well. she keeps busy, is active with her circle of friends, and travels to visit family regularly. I would not say that she has gotten over losing him and I don't think she ever will.

We lost dad more suddenly then that and the family rallied around mom in support. I found out later that she really needed us to go home and let her grieve in private. Be there for your dad but allow him the privacy to grieve.

The hardest part for my mom was dinner time. For 52 years they always sat down to dinner together. Growing up dinner time meant the whole family sat down together at the dinner table and after all 5 kids moved on they still sat down to dinner every night. Losing my dad meant eating alone. She coped by planning to do things during dinner. She took a Tai Chi class that met at 5:30, she picked up a second bowling league that started at 6:00. The only night of the week she did not have something going on over dinner was Monday so I would call her Monday night around dinner time to chat. Find out what he is doing to cope and try to support him in it.

We'll keep your dad in our thoughts and prayers.

I can't offer any advice, but you all are in my prayers.

Our thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

A lot of what you do may depend on your proximity, and understanding how your parents divvied up tasks and activities. Certainly keeping him engaged is the answer to some of your immediate concerns. In our situation my Dad had his church community and longtime friends, plus close family ties to keep his level of engagement.

Slightly off topic, I would suggest starting the process of establishing powers of attorney, both medical and durable, making sure how the estate needs to be processed at your Mom's passing, etc. updating wills, accounts. Obviously the services of a lawyer are necessary/helpful.

Again our prayers and thoughts are with y'all.

I went through this olast year. One day life changed without a moments notice. Friends here kept me busy and shooting activities got be out of the house. Two digs were a big part. couldn't just sit around . they forced me into the world every day.

Keeping busy and having good friends nearby is a huge part on moving on. But it will be a huge adjustment and nothing is going to change that. He isn't going to snap back to normal in a few weeks of months. things are never going to be the same. Just being there will make it somewhat easier.

Very sorry about your mom's diagnosis. I don’t really have any advice about your dad coping; he might surprise you. I just don’t think you ever know how a person will handle a loss like that. Be there, but don’t hover.

We lost my mom when my dad was 85. They had 65 years of marriage. He was lost without her. Almost ten years later, he still misses her deeply and has told me more than once that he would like to be with mom and doesn't understand why "the Good Lord is keeping him here."

I am sure your father is a strong man, as is my dad, and he will adjust as he works through his grief, but you will need to be there for him as much as you can. Listen to him, love him, share good stories of your mom together. Take him with you to outings and trips as much as you can. If he is like my dad, he will not want to be alone all the time.

When the time comes for him to want companionship, if he does, assure him that it is okay and that your mom would not want him to be alone. Turn the tables if necessary and ask him if he would want your mom to be alone if he were gone. That helped my dad come to terms with this idea.


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Sorry to hear about your Mom. As has been said find out who was doing what around the house and help get your Dad get trained with the stuff she qas doing.

I'm nearer your Dad's age than yours, so I'll tell you from my perspective what would help me. Being close to and tied in to the family of my children and grandchildren would be the most important thing by far. If Dad now lives elsewhere, then that might involve moving him closer to you--or siblings; but that involves another loss, the home, neighborhood and friends where he has been living with his sweetheart of so many years.
In our family, as in most, the grandfathers died before the grandmothers; and women generally do better as widows than men as widowers, as they usually have stronger social networks. Loneliness is a huge cause of depression and even death among widowed "elderly", and men moreso than women.
In my own case, we now have a granddaughter in California, but a son who lives with his wife in Maryland; so I would be torn between the two as to where I would want to live.

Every family situation is different as far as these considerations are concerned, I just thought I would pass these thoughts on, as at my age they are never distant concerns.

Having walked through that I can say the time to be concerned is the few months afterwards. Keep him busy, feed, and hydrated.

Simply sucks and no matter how you slice it will be very hard on dad. One thing I would highly encourage is to contact and get involved with hospice care NOW! Do not wait until mom is on her last legs. People contact hospice way too late- with early start of hospice care your parents can maximize the quality of life she has left. And as a medical professional any of those “how long do I have” estimates are really a stab in the dark. Death can come much sooner or much much later you just never know. Getting support services in place sooner rather than later will make a huge difference

I'm sorry to hear this, Sir.

I don't know if the post is still around, but in the Spring of 2015 my mom passed away in her sleep, no real warning at all anything was wrong.

My Dad came home and found her. At the time my relationship with him was non-existent, it was very rocky at first, I moved out of town for a year after she passed, things were so bad due to his actions we didn't speak. A year later and a great job offer I landed back in town and things have gone decently since.

We talk about mom on occasion, funny memories etc. He says what helps him most is staying busy, he keeps her gardens up, plays a lot of golf with his buddies, (He says they play three times a week, but everyone suspects it is every day the sun shines), we still have family dinner a couple times a week; my Brother, Nephew, Dad and I.

It's quite the adjustment after such a long time of being married to a partner, my Dad is a couple of years younger than yours, They were married right after HS when Dad got drafted and they lived in Germany together while he was in service.

I can tell he's not 100%, but he's a bit better each year. My Mom's dog and my Dad are inseparable, it's a Yorkie-Poo and he spoils it completely rotten.

We lost my mother just under six years ago, and just shy of the 65th wedding anniversary. Dad was 93 at the time.

Dad has been active his whole life (finally quit his last part-time job driving rental cars when he was 89 after Mom had to have major surgery). When they got married, he gave Mom the checkbook so that she could take care of things when he got recalled to active duty. He asked her to pay the bills and try to put a little away each month. When Mom was in the hospital, she asked me to handle the bills (by then, she had learned to do so online).

When Mom passed away, Dad asked me to continue paying the bills. He was going to concentrate on doing the same things each day so that he would have continuity and so that he could remember the good times. He still bowls twice a week, goes to church each Sunday (although we are going to have to find a new one - his is closing in a few weeks due to declining and older membership), and tends to the normal house things. We have someone who comes in every other week for deeper housecleaning. I'm over there every weekend to go out to dinner, and frequently stop by during the week.

Dad lives well within his means. He doesn't want or need fancy things, but we try to find something new for him occasionally. He has some hobbies (gardening, stained glass, etc.) that helps to keep him occupied. We might even make another trip to England later this year as his WWII bomber group is planning a reunion over there (smaller organization than the one we toured with four years ago).

Like another has stated, pets play a part. The dog is the first one that Dad chose when they were looking about two years before Mom passed. They are good buddies. Dad isn't really a cat person, but he tends to Mom's cat and spoils her a bit.

Based on what others have said, each instance is different based on the family dynamics. I really hope that you're able to find the way that best works for your family.

Good advice here already.
I will just add prayers said and sent from our family to yours.

I am so sorry to hear your news and will keep your family in my prayers.

We lost my Mom to cancer 8 years ago now and she was my Dad's whole world. The hardest thing I have ever done was stand next to my Dad when they closed the casket and listen to his words. It was beautiful but also hurt me deeply because I realized how truly alone he would feel without her.

He is doing well now, over doing it in a lot of areas and although he still misses her terribly he has adjusted well. He visits her every Friday and bring her a jelly donut (se sits, has his coffee and talks to her, then eats her donut).

At first it was hard and scary as we all felt he was just going to bed every night hoping not to wake up but each day he did wake up and over time he busied himself with activities and things. We were careful not to push him on getting rid of her things but he eventually did in his own time (he kept her Lexus in the garage for 2 years not allowing anyone to drive it and taking it out to wash only).

Thank you all for your prayers, advice and stories. They are all very much appreciated.

You being around him will help. Don't wait for him to call.

Very sorry to hear this.

His main concern will be his survival, alone.
If at all possible I would investigate having him move in with you or a family member.Even if it means buying a new residence that could accommodate both family's.
He probably sacrificed his whole life for you and other brothers and sisters you might have, now its time to TRY and return the favor for the time he has left.