This sounds slightly racist. Especially now...


At a "Chinese" restaurant, 24 years ago. Dating my now wife. Out with her parents and her.... Lovely meal. Great food. VERY thick accent on our waitress but had been no problem the whole time.


When it came time to ask for the check we could barely get her attention because it had gotten even busier. So she would walk briskly by (on her way to and from the kitchen and other tables) and say "Sepachick awan."

Father of the date and I looked back and forth every time and had no clue. (I should had that he knew passable Mandarin.)

We had had a wonderful time and been joking around with the waitress so it was really frustrating. After 3 or 4 of this "Sepachick awan" she finally says:

"Oh my gah- white peepoe?!?! (and laughs and nudges my F-I-L in the arm) How many check you want? For pay bill? You want two sepachick or you want wan? Dat why I say "Sepachick o two!" At which point we cracked up because of our confusion AND the fact that she had made it worse at the end.

To this day, we say "sepachick o two" as an inside joke among the family for random reasons.

Back in the late 90's in Fort Lauderdale, FL, I was in my early 20's and worked as a valet parker at Benihana's hibachi steakhouse. Well after work at 11pm or 12am, I went to a Friday's with the assistant manager of Benihana's who was this abrasive little Thai guy (used to be Thai police and type A personality) which we all knew everyone and frequented because they were open till 2 am. So we go sit at the bar with was square and elevated in the restaurant (people sat on all 4 sides of the bar). Well there were 2 guys and this really hot girl that was probably 30, and I recognized her as a bar tender at one of the hot night clubs sitting directly across from us 10' away. They were all drunk and probably coked up. She kept flirting with me, and then flashed us and the entire bar a few times and was dancing around. So Tony Thai thinks she's flirting with him and sends a drink over for her. She thinks it's from me......there was a straight laced English couple about 50 years old also at the bar sitting on the side. She walks over, stands right next to me and just behind me, and asks me if I want to touch it. I'm thinking her boobs, and a horny 21 year old and say yeah......She grabs my wrist and sticks my hand down her pants for about a minute......smiles and walks back to where she was sitting......Needless to say the English people complained to corporate and the GM and bar tender got fired.....and for a year afterwards I never heard the end of it from the wait staff everytime I went in there.....I was the talk of the entire restaurant....."ohhh, mr. happy pants, how are you tonight? LOLOLOL

I have a college restaurant story.

My friend was a audio visual movie type guy. He had just finished shooting his final project to graduate. We were his crew/cast.

For a thank you he took us all out for a big meal at a fairly nice steak house and we ate and drank big time.

When the bill came he threw down his CC. A few minutes later the waiter came back...and you guessed it, declined.

So in this crew I was the only one who worked and had money. They all just sat there with stupid looks on their faces. I told them they better get to washing those dishes.

I let them sweat for a few minutes and then payed the $400+ bill.

No, I never got the money back and I'm still friends with my Movie buddy.

I lead a sheltered life, but here goes my story:

Where we go in Michigan there's only one restaurant in 10 miles, Rosa's Squeeze Inn. They make pizza on Thursday and we usually order for carry out. I went in with my daughter, the cook said they had to fix an oven, they were behind, and could we come back in 20 minutes. No problem. I call my wife let her know we were going to be late. We comeback in 20 minutes and he apologizes because they lost our order and would make whatever we wanted on the house. I give him our order and we leave again.

I have to call my wife and let her know we are going to be late again. I asked my wife when she ordered, she looks at her phone, and realizes she ordered from Luigi's Pizzeria by mistake. I call Luigi's to let them know we weren't going to pickup the pizzas, they offered to deliver them. I explain we are 1,650 miles away and that wasn't going to work. They said not to worry about it, but I insisted on paying for the pizzas.

I go back into Rosa's and explain what happened, it wasn't their fault, I apologized, they offered to still give me the pizzas on the house. I paid for those as well.

Everybody got good laugh at least and my wife is paranoid every time she orders pizza.

"chilles chain restaurant" about 2 1/2 yrs ago wife / myself went to a local for lunch. when meal arrived asked for some "worchester" sauce. waiter said they we out.asked him to check behind the bar as needed to make some drinks and found some. couple weeks later the were still out of "worchester"... couple weeks later -- they were still out and stated that "corperate" had taken it off of the required items. after the manager got involved he kept asking if we were going to stay or leave.. so we left and went to another location where met that manager and could not believe our story and in fact was headed out the door headed to the other location for a meeting with several other managers. well now when we go to the second location the waiter/waitress/manager brings a bottle to our table even before they take our drink order.. flatly refuse to enter the local restuarant......... drill sgt.

Way back in the early 1970's I worked as a beat cop in a small NJ town. We had a small Sub shop/cafe we ALL went to as the Family that owned and ran it was super nice people. Though the Dad was at times surly.

I came off a cold, 2 hr traffic directing post one winter morning and went into the J&J Sub Shop to get my breakfast and to warm up. I walked in back and said hello to Joe the Dad. He was slaving over the grill. My wool gloves were wet as it was raining, so I hung them over the grill, but well away up on the exhaust hood, to dry them. Joe commented about NOT doing that but For whatever reason I just left them there.

Few minutes later, out comes my pork roll and egg plate ON TOP of one of my gloves. Joe apparently REALLY didn't like gloves drying over his gill.

Took a good Canadian buddy to lunch in San Antonio at a very well known restaurant, after telling him all morning how great it was of course. We sat on the patio, ordered some drinks and quickly worked our way through the first bowl of chips, this place served their chips is wooden bowls rather than baskets. The waiter took our food order and fetched another round of drinks, refilling our chip bowl from the large bin by the patio bar. About half way though this bowl I thought I saw a chip move. Apparently my buddy saw it too as we are both now looking at each other and back at the bowl, until a long antenna came waving out from under the pile. Then the biggest damn roach I have ever seen came crawling out. We looked at each other in stunned silence for a few seconds, likely both processing the number of these tainted chips we had already downed, and then just fell apart with laughter.

We had a friend, a local drunk. He was a fellow club member for a while. But this was the only bar for miles, so Billy hung out there. It was a place we went after club meetings. Wednesday nights were slow, except about 10 on meeting nights.

So the line of cars and jeeps crossed the tracks and over to the restaurant/bar. There at the bar was Billy, sound asleep. We all laughedd but filled a couple of tables out in the dining area. The only bar tender/waitress working was pretty busy getting everyone beer and maybe a water or two. Then she ran to the kitchen to help out.

And in a blurr of motion, up jumped Billy! Not asleep at all. He ran to the "candy crane" and grabbed it by the upper corners. Billy was tall and easily tipped it forward toward himself and lowered it to the floor, causing all the toys to topple forward. Then he stood it up to where it had been. He then took all the toys out that he could and began putting them on the overhead ceiling fan blades. Then back for more.

This was back in the days when they let you smoke. Then Billy went back to his position at the bar and resumed his nap. A little time passed and before long out started the food. We were regulars and she knew who got what. They didn't stand on formalities and she served to whatever persons food was up. Then on her way back to the kitchen she flipped on the fans.

We mostly realized what would happen and those of us awake ducked. I still remember the stuffed toys flying all over. Hitting each other and going different direction. The waitress yelled "Billy". And in a flash, he was up and out the door. Oh, and we got to keep the stuffed toys if we wanted them. My kids were past that age, so I didn't keep any of them.

Another story, same bar. We would sometimes meet there instead of the club building. I sat by my buddy Larry because his wife had nice tits. Made the food taste better.

A couple of times we'd loaded all the excess utensils in some unexpecting friends pockets. Larry wore a suit because he came straight from work. He hung the jacket on the back of his chair. Then he very foolishly went to the john. So I loaded up his pockets. All went well for the rest of the evening. He was getting undressed and felt weight in his pockets. Out comes about 10 place settings of the cheapest stainless money could buy. His wife said she fell on the bed laughing. She said she was recovering and he said "I thought I was safe, I was sitting next to Dick". Back into convulsions, she said "he's the worst one!"

He did return them the following week. They said they knew where they'd gone, and were a little short on Saturday night.

The place was the Dugout in Hooven, OH.

Sometimes we'd do work at the club property and just call in a carry out order. That particular afternoon, we wanted Fishettes (we mislabeled them Fishheads). So Barb, our denmother so to speak took the order and called it in. 10 half orders of Fishettes.

Some fool asked why not just 5 full orders. Idiot. It was code. You got just as much in a half order as you got in a full order, just paid half as much. Went on for years.

I don't know that this is so funny as it is amazing.

Wife and I and in-laws went to a Mexican eatery one afternoon and we 6 sat in a booth, me right across from FIL. I always try to sit as far away from him as possible but there was no escaping this event.

So out comes the chips, salsa and queso. 3 baskets of chips, 3 bowls each of salsa and queso to be shared in pairs. I got maybe 2 chips in the queso before FIL commandeered the bowl and basket of chips. I guess MIL caught my look of amazement and said something about sharing to FIL. His response was, "Wayl, yoo kin git mowar." By that time he was running his fingers around the queso bowl and slathering what was left on a chip and I ran out of desire.

For the main course FIL had fajitas, two plates, one with tortillas, the other a sizzling pan of whatever you put in the tortilla. He made one fajita by scooping the stuff out of the pan with a spoon..... like most people. Guess that was too time consuming so for the next 4 he just used his fingers and was soon up to his 2nd knuckles in the goo. When he finished eating he sat there and sucked his fingers clean, each ending with an audible squeak as it departed his pie hole. But that wasn't what won him an Oscar. No, what made it a memorable performance was the farting. Yes, farting while sucking on his fingers. That's real talent right there.

Now this wasn't an off day, this was par. You would think by the time a person reaches their 70's that they have dined with other random people enough times to notice some consistency in good table manners. Nope, not that guy. During my 22 years in the military I probably ate with hundreds if not a thousand different people but never did anyone illustrate swine dining as much as my FIL.

quote:

Originally posted by Kraquin:
I don't know that this is so funny as it is amazing.

Wife and I and in-laws went to a Mexican eatery one afternoon and we 6 sat in a booth, me right across from FIL. I always try to sit as far away from him as possible but there was no escaping this event.

So out comes the chips, salsa and queso. 3 baskets of chips, 3 bowls each of salsa and queso to be shared in pairs. I got maybe 2 chips in the queso before FIL commandeered the bowl and basket of chips. I guess MIL caught my look of amazement and said something about sharing to FIL. His response was, "Wayl, yoo kin git mowar." By that time he was running his fingers around the queso bowl and slathering what was left on a chip and I ran out of desire.

For the main course FIL had fajitas, two plates, one with tortillas, the other a sizzling pan of whatever you put in the tortilla. He made one fajita by scooping the stuff out of the pan with a spoon..... like most people. Guess that was too time consuming so for the next 4 he just used his fingers and was soon up to his 2nd knuckles in the goo. When he finished eating he sat there and sucked his fingers clean, each ending with an audible squeak as it departed his pie hole. But that wasn't what won him an Oscar. No, what made it a memorable performance was the farting. Yes, farting while sucking on his fingers. That's real talent right there.

Now this wasn't an off day, this was par. You would think by the time a person reaches their 70's that they have dined with other random people enough times to notice some consistency in good table manners. Nope, not that guy. During my 22 years in the military I probably ate with hundreds if not a thousand different people but never did anyone illustrate swine dining as much as my FIL.

Wow!

Dang, Kraquin... Was he always that way, or did he just reach a certain age and decide he had no more fucks to give for social graces?

Found the missing key to the padlock on the walk in cooler in my lasagna one time. The waitress was so happy to have it back.

And had a bowl of salsa with a hunk of metal from the blender they used to make it, at Amanda’s Fonda in Colorado Springs.

At Texas Chili Parlor in Austin back in the ‘80s I got a huge cockroach poured into my glass of iced tea when the waiter refilled it. I pointed it out to him and he said he’d get me another glass. Which he filled from the same pitcher that the roach came out of.

I had a hamburger with a band-aid cooked into the middle of the patty in San Antonio at Chris Madrids, back in the same time frame.

You’d think I would have learned to eat at home.

February 13, 2011 (it's a Sunday)

I'm living in Alaska and managing an oil & gas project. My main consultant has an employee flying in from the Lower 48 for other business and they want me to consider him for an upcoming phase of the project. He is landing on a Sunday afternoon so they set up a dinner that night at the only 5-star restaurant in Alaska.

The restaurant was packed due to Valentine's Day being the next day (Monday) and so our table of 4 was 6" from a table of 2. I'm telling a funny story, and notice my associates were no longer listening because they're staring at the woman at the next table (seated next to me). I look over just as she passed out face first in her plate of food.

She woke up and puked in her hair so I'm scooting my chair like madman thinking projectile vomiting is next. The woman's date is nonchalantly acting like nothing is going on and continues to eat his meal unphased. My business associate that set up the dinner knows the owner of the restaurant (as well as the owner's parents and siblings) so the owner comes over to our table to figure out what is happening. The owner's primary concern seems to be this screwing up the dinner service of a very busy night so my table is the one who calls 911 (i.e. not the restaurant or the woman's date).

The EMTs arrive and takeover our table for their gear. The EMTs load her up on the stretcher, but the restaurant won't let her date leave without paying for their dinner. We also had to pay full price for our partially eaten dinner that the EMTs ruined.

Prior to the EMTs arriving, she told us that she ate the same thing at the same restaurant a few weeks prior (i.e. unlikely an allergic reaction). We were betting on either a stroke or her date mistimed the ruffie he slipped her. I'm leaning towards the later because the next weekend my business associate saw the same guy dining with a different woman.

I never dined at that restaurant again.

quote:

Originally posted by jhe888:

quote:

Originally posted by ChicagoSigMan:
I lived in Houston in the 1980s. There was a popular but mediocre BBQ place called House of Beef.

My friends and I went there after school one day and there was a sign on the door that said "Sorry. We are out of Beef."

It's not that funny, but the idea of the House of Beef being out of beef still cracks me up to this day.

The best BBQ joints run out of beef all the time - sometimes ribs, too. That is, cooked brisket. They barbeque what the smokers will hold the day and night before, and often sell out well before demand is met. Snows, Franklins, Truth, others - all sell out by the middle of the day on a weekend. They don't have the capacity to meet weekend demand.

I get it. I'm a Texan. I know the drill. I guess you had to be there. Or maybe I'm just strange. It was just a funny moment. Maybe if the name of the place wasn't House of Beef....

quote:

Originally posted by RogueJSK:
Dang, Kraquin... Was he always that way, or did he just reach a certain age and decide he had no more fucks to give for social graces?

Me and the wife have been together for 15 years, known each other for 40 years or so and I learned early on not to sit near her dad lest you get sprayed with food flying out of his mouth, see something that will make you lose your appetite or smell his ass air. He's just a fuckin' pig.

One time we were at a cookout at SIL's and I got stuck with him sitting by the fire and I shit you not it was like the fart scene from Blazing Saddles except he was the sole participant. Now on the ship, yeah, crop dusting someones rack while they were in it was kinda funny but you know droppin' wolf bait on family, that's just rude.

Sorry not funny, actually a quite disgusting story.
At a mid / lower end buffet winding down to closing time. We come in with just time to eat. It is a pay first place. People are filtering out.

Redneck white trash looking family of 6 or so at a nearby table, clearly finished and loitering. I noticed a maybe 8 yr old boy running around the room occasionally.

Then I started paying more attention to him and realized what was going on. Every time some one got up to leave the father would send the kid to steal the tip off the table.

We quickly finished, reported them and left.

Had lunch with Julius Erving and had no clue who he was, only 4 of us at the table. Also golfed with him 18 holes and had no clue who he was until after the lunch when someone told me.

When my son (now 22) was 3 or 4, we had dinner at this little hometown diner where I know the owners very well. After dinner, son goes to the bathroom with grand mom. All of a sudden he comes running (kinda) back to the table across the dining room while I'm talking to the owner and his wife, yelling in his little voice, "Daddy, daddy, there's black hooker in the bathroom!" Come to find out, he was referring to the black coat rack in the bathroom. To this day, the owner and I still joke about that "black hooker" and the look on the faces of everyone in the dining room.

quote:

Originally posted by 08 Cayenne:
Had lunch with Julius Erving and had no clue who he was, only 4 of us at the table. Also golfed with him 18 holes and had no clue who he was until after the lunch when someone told me.

So I kinda suck recognizing faces outside of where they're supposed to be.

I say down to some bald black guy. He looked a lost so I bought him a beer and we talked a bit about nothing in particular like we've known each other forever He left about 30 minutes after I say down.

Bartender asked me if I knew Michael Jordon very well.

Next fun one was during CES one year. Stood in line for a Cal Ripken autograph. The typical drill; smile, shake, sign picture, then leave. I'm the last one in line (might have been two people behind me). Then I get up there.

Tell him my son is huge Tony Gwynn fan and still too young to be fully aware of what he (Cal) had done during his career. Turns out, Cal is also a huge fan of Tony and the signed photo to my son says as much. We then proceeded to talk about kids and watching them grow up. Once I mentioned I had just retired from the Navy and very happy to around to watch my son grow up.

He finished the last couple of autographs and we're off for beers and hot dogs (Las Vegas convention center) and he's the one fascinated with what I did on carriers for 23 years. I also noted, most people never recognized who I was with.

These is a sign in the buffet at the Orleans in Las Vegas that states "YOU CAN STAY 2 HOURS".
Makes you wonder what prompted the sign .