Do it for you.

That's my primary piece of advice. If you do it for her, or your mom, or anyone but you, it will fall apart in the long haul.

It's on you. It will be in the divorce proceedings, no matter how you feel.

Nothing is really serious, until you have created life. If you've done that, you best do right by that lil person(s).

Which wave of Feminism is it now?

No One Cares, guys.

Planning a wedding is literal cake. Plan your divorce. Know your state laws.

Men, fathers, in the lives of children are absolutely vital.

Did you have a bad experience with marriage or something?

Because it would not even occur to me right now to even think about planning a divorce ever. Just not going to happen, I am a child of divorce and went through that BS growing up, and I’ll never put my own kids through that.

quote:

Originally posted by PASig:
Did you have a bad experience with marriage or something?

Because it would not even occur to me right now to even think about planning a divorce ever. Just not going to happen, I am a child of divorce and went through that BS growing up, and I’ll never put my own kids through that.

My first time around I had the same attitude. However, it’s not just your choice. Not saying your wife would, but she can.

Currently contemplating my choices.

With kids in 8th & 9th grade, trying to decide what's the best outcome for everyone.

Gray divorce is a thing.

Been married 19 years. My wife still treats me like I’m some kind of god, and I’m not about to question it. Divorce was never an option, if it was, she’d have kicked me to the curb a long time ago. We’ve made and lost fortunes, been under the knife more times than I care to count, and through it all we’re still side by side.

Planning for divorce is like planning to have a bad day.

Staying for the kids was a mistake for me. I thought it was better for them to have both parents in the home, but that means they are always in a dysfunctional home rather than only 50% of the time.

If the marriage is broken, it can't be fixed. Once the line is crossed there's no going back. The question is whether both are genuinely committed to resolving the issues? One person cannot fix things.

quote:

Originally posted by Beancooker:
Been married 19 years. My wife still treats me like I’m some kind of god, and I’m not about to question it.

There are guys who've been married just as long who have absolutely no idea what that's like.

quote:

Originally posted by Beancooker:
Planning for divorce is like planning to have a bad day.

In your case, sure. Anyone who has any cause to wonder might better at least have a rough idea of a plan. If you're already having a bad day, then you can either just suffer, or you can do something about it. Planning is the first step in doing something about it.

quote:

Originally posted by Beancooker:
Been married 19 years. My wife still treats me like I’m some kind of god, and I’m not about to question it. Divorce was never an option, if it was, she’d have kicked me to the curb a long time ago.

I’m guessing you’ve treated her like a queen throughout your marriage, then. People tend to mirror behavior.

We have been married 38 years. I was difficult to live with the first 25 years.

I am so thankful my wife always said divorce was not an option, she married me for better or worse.

I have changed and we are now looking forward to retirement in 2.5 years so we can spend more time together.

I think the important thing is that both parties love one another and care about what's best for the other person and the relationship. And trust has to exist between both parties that this is the case. If those things exist, other difficulties can be overcome.

I've seen plenty of situations where one party (or both) just turns out to be a narcissist asshole that only cares about themself, and constantly abuses their spouse. That's not a relationship I'd encourage anyone to stay in.

On the flip-side, you have to be able to endure some hardship and hurt to make things work. Because it isn't always going to be fun or easy. And people are people and will eventually let you down. That's where forgiveness comes in.

Fundamentally my wife and I love and care for each other. Sure, we've had differences of opinion on important matters. We've both acted selfishly from time to time, and we've done things to hurt the other person. Life is stressful, life is hard...sometimes for months or years at a time. The feeling of contentedness or attraction isn't always there. But knowing that we've committed to one another takes the option of giving up off the table...it's just not going to happen.

We just passed 20 years of marriage earlier this month, and we're in a good place. We're comfortably familiar with one another and enjoy doing things together. We're trying to figure out how to parent teenagers, which ain't particularly fun, but we have a united front. And we're starting to contemplate what life looks like when they start moving out. The youngest is only ten, but if we've learned anything from the oldest, those years go fast. We've got some fun plans for the next few years while they're still at home, and once they're gone I'm sure we'll do even more.

I'm definitely not planning my life around divorce. I'm not even contemplating it.

It all depends, few scenarios are the same. After the kids were doing fine outside the house, I decided I don’t have to put up with crazy anymore.

Besides crazy, online boyfriends, separate rooms, zero respect. Yeah, I failed to heed the advice about checking out the mother.

Life is much better now.

Man I feel blessed. Going on 34 years married with two beautiful daughters. A Chicago PO and a bank manager. No thoughts of divorce ever even through some rough years.

While I did not grow up dreaming of a wife and kids, I do remember one thing that changed me permanently. Watching my first daughter being born, I had an epiphany. I instantly realized that I would never be the most important priority, my child would be. And I’m pretty sure I had a shit eating grin on my face when I thought it.

We know a couple that chose to have no kids. They have had great lives with lots of travel and adventures along with lots of possessions. As they pass 60, they are both wondering if they made the right decision. Kids are not for everybody but they are miracles!

I got married in 1999, divorced in 2019. We were probably only truly happy together for a few years but if you’d asked me before 2016 I’d have said I was happy. For all intents and purposes the marriage ended in 2016 but we had kids and didn’t hate each other so we decided to continue living together until her parents retired and moved to Florida. I finished my basement and moved in there but despite telling friends and family that we were getting a divorce we basically still acted like a married couple, still hanging out with mutual friends and sharing finances and going out to eat and to movies as a family. To the point that even years later casual acquaintances of ours had no idea.

If you’d asked me then if I was happy I’d have said yes. In both cases I really thought I was happy. But it turns out I didn’t know what happiness was.

We got officially divorced in 2019 and moved to FL so she could be near her parents. I got my own place and quickly started to realize what happiness was.

Something I did a lot during most of those 20 years was that I wished it was another time. Like, if we’d had friends over on the weekend then all that next week I would be wishing it was last weekend. Or if we had something fun planned I’d be wishing it was that time already. I almost never lived in the moment unless something fun was happening. The rest of my time was spent thinking about other times.

Now I live in the moment. I enjoy my job. I enjoy my friends and my kids and dating and pretty much everything. Of course I don’t love every single moment, it’s not like my life is completely perfect. But it’s pretty good and I can honestly say I enjoy almost every day.

Funny enough my ex and I are probably better friends now than we were when we were married. We still spend holidays together with the kids and once a month or so we do dinner as a family. We’ve even taken a couple vacations with the kids. But as I told my dad once, I still love her, but I love dropping her off at her place and going home to my own.

Both of us love our kids more than we love ourselves and have always tried to put them first. But it’s important to take care of your own happiness too because if you aren’t happy it’s going to be hard you be the best parent you can be. I think our kids are better after the divorce.

Like PASig, I’m a child of divorce, and made a promise to myself my kids would not suffer that. Times were rough because of the stress of my work; then when our kids got chronic illnesses they were really rough—but we made it through to the other side. Married 56 years, and still nuts about each other.

Besides all the above, once one is in a separate room, or floor, reevaluation is normal. When you get to not only zero respect, but negative, evaluation is called for.

It’s always easier when matched to someone that’s willing to make it work.

AW,

I'm sorry to hear this man. Prayers of comfort. I am sure everyone will make the same offer, but I've been through it.

Email me anytime if you need to vent.

quote:

Originally posted by Beancooker:
Been married 19 years. My wife still treats me like I’m some kind of god, and I’m not about to question it. Divorce was never an option, if it was, she’d have kicked me to the curb a long time ago. We’ve made and lost fortunes, been under the knife more times than I care to count, and through it all we’re still side by side.

Planning for divorce is like planning to have a bad day.

Same here Noah. In fact we are going to a lodge in the Blue Ridge mountains to spend the weekend celebrating our 42 anniversary!

Marriage takes work!

Divorce is death of the relationship, except there is no closure. The two dead people are still walking around. You don’t break up, you’re ripped apart. The two become one flesh in marriage. You know what your spouse is going to do before they do it. You know what they are going to say before they say it. So when divorce happens, you take part of them with you and they take part of you with them. You’re not a whole person anymore. It takes one year of being single to recover from every seven years of marriage.

I came from a divorced family and I swore I’d never get divorced. But after twenty two years the ex had different plans. Kids grown and gone, had house, cars, trucks, camper, money. She told me one day she didn’t want to be married anymore and hadn’t loved me for fifteen years. Packed up and left.

It’s extremely painful to take part in the destruction of everything that you spent your life to build.

Trying to explain a divorce to someone who hasn’t had one is like trying to explain raising children to someone who doesn’t have any. You have to go through it to understand it.

Prayers for anyone going through this.

quote:

Originally posted by Lucnik:
Divorce is death of the relationship, except there is no closure. The two dead people are still walking around. You don’t break up, you’re ripped apart. The two become one flesh in marriage. You know what your spouse is going to do before they do it. You know what they are going to say before they say it. So when divorce happens, you take part of them with you and they take part of you with them. You’re not a whole person anymore. It takes one year of being single to recover from every seven years of marriage.

I came from a divorced family and I swore I’d never get divorced. But after twenty two years the ex had different plans. Kids grown and gone, had house, cars, trucks, camper, money. She told me one day she didn’t want to be married anymore and hadn’t loved me for fifteen years. Packed up and left.

It’s extremely painful to take part in the destruction of everything that you spent your life to build.

Trying to explain a divorce to someone who hasn’t had one is like trying to explain raising children to someone who doesn’t have any. You have to go through it to understand it.

Prayers for anyone going through this.

I agree thats how imagine it to be...but as you say you have to live it. I hope not too

My ex always talked all that “divorce is not an option” bullshit.
Except, it turns out, when it was her idea.
You never truly know a woman until you take her to court.

So, just because one person is dead set on keeping all those vows and promises, it doesn’t mean the other won’t torpedo the whole thing. And to Hell with the collateral damage.

Kids, friends, family, finances…it’s all disposable to the person that wants out.