My youngest brother has been an asshole for the past 15 years. His wife, we call her "the cult leader", has him brainwashed against his family. He did not attend our father's funeral, didn't call, ignored messages to inform him of the death.

I wouldn't go to his funeral for any reason. I don't care about him, he doesn't care about me.

My friend, if you don't attend your sister's funeral, I would support your decision.

Nicky,

Sorry to hear of your sister's situation. If I understand correctly, she's alive but not expected to live long.

In your shoes, I do not know what I would do.

I don't think there is a right choice and a wrong choice. What's important is which alternative - visit or stay away - do you think would be better for you, going forward?

Hang in there, my friend.

quote:

Originally posted by bionic218:
Nicky, unless I felt the same about the whole family, I would attend. A family member's passing is sometimes less about the departed, and more about being there for the ones left behind.

quote:

Originally posted by HayesGreener:
Whatever you do don't set yourself up for a lifelong regret. You won't get a second chance to make it right.

The two posts above struck me. It was just before my second marriage that my first mother-in-law passed. "Mil-1" and I got along well, with only a short period of exception, and I felt like I should go to the funeral. (I did not go when Fil-1 passed, but that's another issue.).

"Mrs-2" convinced me that I should not go to Mil-1's funeral, and obediently I stayed away. I wish now I had said, "You can like it or you can lump it, but I'm going." I say that not to be spiteful, but in recognition that Mrs-1's family took me in as family, and despite that Mrs-1 and I didn't stay together, I have no beef with any of her remaining family. If any of them were to appear at my door tonight, I would happily welcome them into my home. Her brother and I were fairly tight, and I still think of him on his birthday (though we haven't been in touch in several years).

So, yes, I regret having not gone to Mil-1's funeral, or at least to the visitation. Certainly, it would have had some awkwardness about it, but I would like to think I'd have manned up and dealt with it.

quote:

Originally posted by isthatasiginyourpocket:
Forgive her for yourself not for her benefit.

This was discussed at church this past Sunday -- there is benefit (maybe even catharsis) in forgiving others [as He continues to forgive us]. Forgive it, and be free of it , and carry on with a happy life.

Those are just my opinions, and worth every cent you paid for them.

quote:

Originally posted by sigmonkey:
Put her. All of her, the good the bad, the ugly, what she said, did to you, and all you have of the relationship, the bitterness, the anger the memories, all of her, into God's Hands.

Offer it up to God. Believe it or not, this is "biblical".
You give it to Him, He will gladly accept it.

You will be better for it.

Sure, you will still think of it, but it will not have the effect on you.

It's not simply "feel good" pap.

It is real.

As far as the go or no go, only you can choose what is right, and live with that action, no matter what.

But, you have shown a good heart, from everything I have ever seen you post. You will choose best.

00 I truly feel or your situation and have no advise to offer except what our wise monkey has said.

I wish you all the best in this trying times....

Nicky she's your familia, her blood runs through you. Be a bigger person and give her respect in her last days, God will reward you.



oraciones para tu familia

Well, here's another tid-bit of info regarding our family. My mother pretty much brainwashed us to loath the rest of them. Sister followed the spoken words and I didn't but a vacuum was created anyways.

Eventually, there's just our mother left behind.
The rest of my family understands my position and while distant, knows I care for them and doing so had a price. Mother loves to divide.

All the info I've received for the past month since my sister collapsed came from my nearest cousin. Not a peep from Mother, nada. Even instructed my son to keep quiet and lie to me.

Family has always been a foul word to mine. That's how my motherwantes it.

I call the large avenue that separates my home appartment from the neighborhood where my mother and sister live - one block appart - The Wall, as in The Game of Thrones. I kept to my side of it and let the wildlings peacefully stay on the other.

Our family will not feel the loss IMO. One of my sons has gone to the Dark Side, local oice says it's the coins that make the monkey dance, but the other simply couln't care less for an aunt andgranma that never showed any love, care, attention or even a little time to share.

0-0

She can't do you harm anymore. Forgive her. It's hard, but forgive her. You will be better off for it.

O-O, differences aside with Family, God speed for you and your Family.

UPDATE:
Yesterday I summoned my courage and decided to go visit my sister at the clinic, escorted by my wife and a childhood friend turned catholic priest. We know each other since kindergarden and our sisters were at one time close friends. Fifty some years ago.

My sister looked tired, aged, even present although they say the lights aee on but there's nobody home. Her stare made you wonder. She did not look absent or with a failing health.

My old life friend was so gentle with her, so kind. We've known and care for each other our whole conscious life and our memories together are those of a happy childhood. He blessed her over and over tapping her arms, hands or head, talking softly and lovingly.

I had but few words, held her hand and hoped she would feel our presence there. My wife did better than me, she's an extremely sweet and nice person and lovely too.

An acquaintance from our belgian days, 30 years ago, showed up. She was also extremely nice and caring.

It was peaceful and positive.

When we all decided to leave, minutes before the end of the visiting hours, my mother and acolytes showed up. In seconds, she told the other lady she had no business there so she retreated, her feelings unnecesary hurt. My wife and friend kissed her cheeks and I stepped aside. She asked if I didn't recognize her? "I'm your mother" she said. I mumbled something and kept going. Behind her, my oldest son was standing, clearly embarrassed by the encounter. He stepped aside quitetly, otherwise I would had turned his lights out, right there.
My mother's audience also included a distant cousin and an unknown fellow. Likely, they will hear her complain and victimize herself. This is not about her and never was. Two seconds in the room and all there is is her show. How disgusting.

I'm afraid my sister can go on like this forever, she doesn't look sick. Just gone and present at the same time.
We will visit her again soon, I hope.

0-0

0-0,

You did better than I would have. Bless you and your family. I will pray for your sister and your mother.

quote:

Originally posted by sigmonkey:
Put her. All of her, the good the bad, the ugly, what she said, did to you, and all you have of the relationship, the bitterness, the anger the memories, all of her, into God's Hands.

Offer it up to God. Believe it or not, this is "biblical".
You give it to Him, He will gladly accept it.

You will be better for it.

Sure, you will still think of it, but it will not have the effect on you.

It's not simply "feel good" pap.

It is real.

As far as the go or no go, only you can choose what is right, and live with that action, no matter what.

But, you have shown a good heart, from everything I have ever seen you post. You will choose best.

This! Pray for wisdom in this matter and "listen closely" for the answer. God will let you know how to deal with this.

I have been in somewhat the same position. Fortunately I/we had time to work through the problems, but it took a lot of years.

To repeat, PRAY ABOUT WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.

The answer will come to you.

You’re a better man than I, Nicky. I hope all that has been happening doesn’t bring you much woe and sadness.

Good for you for going and trying. I will pray that your sister realizes and appreciates your efforts, and that your mother will come to realize her folly.

I don't have any answers Nick, I struggle with these things too.

I pray for strength and peace for you and your family.

Sounds like a toxic environment all around, especially based on your last post.

In all honesty, it sounds like it would be best to avoid the funeral if you even are told about it. It seems like there is nothing to be gained by it.