Nick,

Reading your post was like reading one of the long chapters in my life.

My sister was a pathological liar from a very early age. So may lies over the years to my parents, and friends. The worst one was right before I was getting married to her best friend, she told some lies to my mother, who believed the lies, and actually called the priest who would NOT proceed with the wedding until I got my family situation in order. The phone call from my fiance was probably one of the most unpleasant in my life, doubly so because she called my sister her friend.


Fast forward 15 years, I am now remarried, living 1000 miles from my family.

My sister had very high blood pressure and wound up having a stroke, losing a good portion of her speech. I took weeks off of work, and worked a little with her on her speech and reading out loud to try to help her regain what she lost. Because of an expected long recovery, I moved her son to my home, took him in fed, schooled him, did all the right things. After 6 months he went home to his mother, and I, and everything I did for the two of them was forgotten.

6 years later another stroke, this time massive, left her totally immobile. She was alive, but trapped in a body that no longer worked. In the mean time, my mother had a stroke and was unable to be her ward, so my sister became a ward of the state, so now I have government bureaucracy to deal with on top of the other issues. A year or so later,when pneumonia finally took her life, I made all the funeral arrangements, notifications, etc. Other issues cropped up for me at the same time, my job, and my company went belly up, my wife's infidelity,so life just plain old went to hell via the expressway.

(Thank God for this forum, it was a sanctuary away from the crap of life. It also helped me keep things in perspective, as there were others who were in worst things than me.)

Short story long, I took care of things because it was the right thing to do. It cost me emotionally, financially, even my marriage. But in the end I can look in the mirror and know I did the right thing, and despite the costs, I would do it again, if for no other reason that I can hold my head up.

Good Luck to you with whatever you decide.

Thank you friends for all the support and the different POV. I came here partly for this, the distance to the actual facts and also the proximity of personal experiences. They count a lot.

Taking a step back from my own present circumstances, what do you rather ingrave in your memories. Those images of a living functioning relative or friend or those of a (dear or not) crushed human being. Are ther eenough good reasons to skip the ugly part?

0-0

I listened to a great presentation about forgiveness this last week. It boiled down to key points that forgiveness isn't something that has to be asked for, forgiveness is something that we do as much for ourselves as for the other person, and that the old "forgive and forget" cliche is a crock. Nobody can be expected to forget a wrong, but they can intentionally put it away versus dwelling on it (which just hurts you, not them). Nothing about any of that is easy, I do understand, but I believe the salient points to be of use in your situation.

I personally would likely go, but with a low profile and a plan to exit without drama should anything escalate. I'm truly sorry for your situation.

When presented with these types of situations we all know in our hearts what the "right" choice is. And the choice we want to make.

It is never easy. Sorry for what you have to go through.

Nick,

I'd go to the funeral. I would not go to see her before she passes. Keep a healthy sister as your memory of her.

I am sorry for the pain this situation causes. My prayers are with you.

Any Holy man would tell you to forgive. As a follower of Christ, remember His words, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."

I also like what Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, "to thine own self be true."

God Bless you & keep you safe.

I watched my mom's health decline over the course of 16 tough years. About 3 of those years, at the end, I was far enough away, I didn't have to witness it too closely. A part of me couldn't handle it (and still cant, tbh.)

It's different than your situation - we were/are a close family.

Once she was in a home, however, unable to speak much, no mobility, didn't remember who I was... it was easy to ignore her. My dad would remind me to go visit her when I was in town, and as much as I hate to admit it, i'd skip it. I had the same thoughts as you do, although for different reasons - I don't want the image of the broken, sick, and dying woman who doesn't remember me to be the last. I don't want to be put through the pain and torment of it all. I would have rather just gone on with the memories of my mom before she was sick.

My dad sent me a text that June and said she wasn't doing so well, and that I should come see her what would probably be one last time. So I did, and I'm truly glad I did. she died a week and a half later. I'm not sure my memories are any different, regardless of when I saw her, so (at least for me) the whole "last memory" thing doesn't hold much water. Whatever my head sees as the "good" or the "bad" will still be good or bad to my memories.

I guess it comes down to who you are as a person. I have the tendency to go down the road of "what if's" and have regrets crop up in my head. Some people don't. if you're the type who can make a choice and not regret stuff, then that's a big influence on your ultimate choice.

I do not envy you your choice, and I hope you can work out what's best for you and for all involved - but it seems a high likelihood that whatever you choose will be "wrong" in some other family member's eyes?

I'd rather do it and wish I hadn't than to not and wish I had.
Closure being necessary.

I have the same issues with family ... I'll go, maybe smirk to myself, but handle myself with dignity. Allow the moment to be theirs, then go on with my life.

Given the situation, I wouldn't blame you for not going. I probably wouldn't go, either.

And you can forgive her without going.

Plenty of good advice here already. In my experience it is more healthful to be a peacemaker. Funerals are for those left behind. It is an opportunity to bury the hatchet and heal damage accrued. It takes great character to forgive the unrepentant and those who seek to do you harm. I would work to be that greater character, go to the funeral, be polite and respectful if for no other reason than to refine myself further toward selflessness.

I'm sorry to hear your frustration and I feel for you. My father-in-law struggled with cancer for a number of years. Some of the things he said to my wife as a child and during our courtship of marriage tarnished our ability to be close to him. It didn't help he was a verbally-abusive alcoholic until he couldn't drink or speak any longer.

Anyhow, he was checked into hospice and things were not going well no doubt. He and my dad had never met, even after around 15 years of being married at the time. He would purposefully go out of town when we'd visit. It was stressful but I just felt it was important my Dad and I showed our respects this time. Not so much for Jack, but for my wife and her mother. To let her know that we could put our differences aside for this one moment in time. We had no illusions of change, no expectations for reconciliation with him. I'm so glad we went. Even my Dad feels the same way to this day. Meeting a man he never knew days before he died.

It's hard to know what is the right answer for you but I would encourage you to see her. If you don't go you'll never be able to reconcile those feelings.

First off, I am sorry you are having to go through this on any level...

That said, I had a sister who was,IMO, pretty much a waste of space on the planet. She was a scammer, a liar, a their and learned how to bleed the system for all it had and use guilt keep my Dad wrapped around her finger.

I saw right though her as did my siblings and when she died a couple of years ago I did speak to her one last time (she could not speak) and I attended the funeral for no other reason than out of respect for my Dad. Had he not been alive I would not have gone at all.

At the wake/funeral I felt very guilty for not feeling any sorrow or sadness and I refused to get caught up in the pity party my siblings where having for themselves as it would have been hypocritical of me.

In the end you do what you feel is best for all around you and move on.

PM me if you want to chat

Nick

Tough decisions but I would not go visit one last time. I would attend the funeral when there is one.

I was living away from home and went back to Halifax to visit family one summer and made a trip in to see my grandmother who was living in the nursing home. She was in her early 90's at the time.

I had a great visit with her while I was there and on my last day I stopped in to say goodbye. As I left she was in her wheelchair crying a bit - I knew she was dying and I wouldn't see her again.

Two months later she passed. I flew home for the funeral but I didn't attend the visitation. I wanted to remember her as alive.

That is my memory.

I hope that you can pull something pleasant in the form of a memory - maybe a birthday or a Christmas - one of her smiling. That is how I would want to remember someone.

I wish you the best and my condolences. She was your sister, and family is family - good and bad. All you can do is be the best you can.

Don't think forgiveness is a piece of this particular puzzle.
Can't blame the nature of the beast and am sure my sister wouldn't give a flying squirrel about it. And she was raised that way.

That could be the subject of another forthcoming funeral and thread but don't let me get ahead of myself.

Again, thank you for joining me nad helping me with my dilemma. All these questions and angles are spinning in my head and forming an answer. I'm likely to attend the funeral but am sure there's nothing unsaid between me and my sibling and my presnce at the clinic is to no one's benefit. My oldest son sided with our mother and kept the whole month ordeal a secret. Visiting hours are short and really don't need a showdown.

0-0

Nicky,
I'm with V-Tail. Do what your heart tells you to do. I won't presume to offer advice other than this which ultimately is what should be the determining factor for you.

I'm going to go against the grain. I have a brother who is a lying, conniving, cheating, backstabbing POS. I don't have anything to do with him and will not cut him anymore slack than he has already received. If he dies before me I will not attend or mourn the passing of another shitbird from this planet.

Just because an asshole is family doesn't mean squat to me. All the quaint sayings - "blood is thicker than water", etc., are - in my opinion - just so much bullshit. Why pretend that a jackwagon is worthy of concern or grief just because they died?

You can just as easily do the whole forgiveness thing in your living room as you could going to the funeral. For me, I don't think about my brother unless he's soaking my mother for more money. Others can do the forgiving bit, I'm all about the forgetting and I sleep very well.

Put her. All of her, the good the bad, the ugly, what she said, did to you, and all you have of the relationship, the bitterness, the anger the memories, all of her, into God's Hands.

Offer it up to God. Believe it or not, this is "biblical".
You give it to Him, He will gladly accept it.

You will be better for it.

Sure, you will still think of it, but it will not have the effect on you.

It's not simply "feel good" pap.

It is real.

As far as the go or no go, only you can choose what is right, and live with that action, no matter what.

But, you have shown a good heart, from everything I have ever seen you post. You will choose best.

quote:

Originally posted by isthatasiginyourpocket:
Forgive her for yourself not for her benefit. Say your good byes and try remember something positive.

This^^^

I'm afraid there is or hardly ever was, anything positive, at least that I can remember, going back to our childhood. Our mother ruled by dividing us and as I struggled to have my own life, my sister only had a shadow of one. Our interactions limited to the friction created by the one sided competition. She's leaving this world a total stranger to me and there are no hard feelings on my side of things. Just regret never seen her being happy or making a family of her own.

Too cold hearted to love and be loved.

I'm dedicating more time to this open hearted thread than I ever dedicated to her.

0-0

Although my brother and I were best friends, I understand you not wanting to have your final image a bad one.

My brother was in the hospital, and we were pretty much told he was not going to make it. He was on life support for about 2 weeks. His heart stopped twice. He was induced into a coma, and on a ventilator.

I lived out of town, about 3 hours, but I would drive to the hospital every few days, and sit with my mom outside his room. I would not go in his room.

He had lost kidney function, and pretty much everything else, and gained about 100lbs in water weight.

I did not want to remember him like that, all the wires and tubes coming out of him. I don't know how my mom did it, she would sit in his room for 12-14hrs a day.

I still remember him the way I wanted to remember him. My parents understood why I didn't want to go into his room.