Man...I go nowhere, I don't do much of anything except work. I don't yell at people, honk my horn, I mind my own business. One of the joys in my drab life is stopping at the Farmer's Market, to have a quiet smoke, and admire the interesting plants growing on the nearby raised train tracks, on my way to work at 2:30 in the afternoon. Nice view of the river also. Best catnip in town grows there.

So I pull into the parking, hop out of the truck and light up, and pay little attention to the guy sitting under the awning of the building. I'm 63 and not seeing real well, but I did notice him doing jumping jacks periodically. Maybe he was cold ya' know. It was chilly. Lost in thought and enjoying the view, I slowly noticed he was talking loudly. Both to me and about me. I'll this, and I'll that, and you something or other. Comical at best mostly sad to see a wasted life.

I didn't pay it any credence until I heard "I'll cut you, you old Mother Fugger!". Okay, this raises the bar. A clear freaking threat. I kept my eye on him, flicked my butt, and got the heck out of there. I stopped down the road to call the police on my cell and it's dead...again. Police station was on my way so I stopped and told them there's a belligerent bum down by the river that threatened to cut me. I haven't registered an age range, size or anything except white guy. I avoid the area for about 2 weeks maybe more.

Then one day, after a particularly nasty, but probably deserved, butt chewing from my beloved one, I decided I needed to have a smoke and pulled into my usual area to get a little much needed distraction. Calming river views, trains, different plants sprouting....I paced and wandered away, from my truck which is a 2006 with 37,000 miles and has never been smoked in. Yep, I'm a homebody. Lost in thought and turmoil...

Out of nowhere comes that voice again. Hey Mudder Fugger, Why'd you call the cops on me? Shit, I forgot to look for a loitering bum before stopping and he's pissed at me and I'm pissed at the world.....Stupid kick's into overdrive.


Being at my favorite spot between my house and work, my 63 year old ass is feeling kind of resentful of being bothered by, not to mention, threatened by, a freaking bum, down by the river. I have the brilliant idea to flip him off and say something clever Fug off, I think....

Next thing I know, I have a bum running at me, full tilt. I now notice he is young and freaking huge!
I found out later 6'6 325 and benches 300...

I had wandered away from my truck a bit, not enough time to get to it before he's on me, situation's serious and going down hill fast, no time to think, can't move fast enough to flee. My brain, which is usually quite slow, goes into hyper driver. If I try to run I'll fall down or be caught off balance.... bad. I'm gonna' get freaking killed by a bum, I need to have something in my hand to buy time or use as an impact weapon. Wishing I had pepper spray but didn't. I'm actually thinking a bit and not panicking.

Let's make one point. I've never been in any kind of fight in my life. No punch ups in grade or high school. I a wimp. Broken down too. Back, knee's, you name it.

Fear and desperation decided for me. My hand closed around my Bench Made 940 (not positive on that #) has a nicely pointed handle end which could serve as a Kubotan to to slow down the beat down, providing I can get a hit in. I have no chance what so ever against this guy. I pulled it out discretely and got a death grip on it while moving for the truck.

Despite my efforts at stealth, the bum noticed right away and stops running, but is still walking fast. He starts screaming, " What the Fug"! Are you pulling a knife on me? You stupid Fugger! I yell," Hey you threatened to cut me"! I'm moving as fast as I can but he's on me, so careful not to touch me but close enough to rub noses.... Invading my space yet careful not to chest bump, circling in arc ( which I found later, I could seem to control).

When he slowed his advance and called me out for pulling a knife, I carefully evaluated what I was dealing with. Expecting a grizzled old son of a gun, this guy is only around 30 and huge. A man/boy, baby faced and I could tell he wasn't looking to fight. I started to wonder if this guy was playing with me. He left me too many opportunities and openings. Had a weird look on his face. His dash towards me seemed almost canned. My hand's on my knife, clipped to my pocket, no clear picture of where this is going.....

His response to, "You said you were going cut me", is delivered nose to nose, " I can't cut you, I ain't got no knife". " I can't have one because they're watching me with satellites"..while looking up at the sky...Jeez', badass huh? I keep him talking and apologize for the misunderstanding, controlling the arc he's moving in to my advantage, inching my way to my truck. I'm noticing that he has really nice, white teeth. Weird thing to notice at a time like this At one point he blocked my way and got too close and I put my hand up between us and said "Hey Chief. Please take a step back. My hand touched baby fat fleshy pecs ad he's screaming ,"Don't touch me"! "Don't touch me". I'm apologizing to the guy. Trying defuse and move away. It's working slowly.

Okay, I start bombarding the kid with questions to keep him off balance. "What chew all Fugged up Dude? You been smokin' that toonchy? (synth reefer, smells like death, causes weirdness, popular with rust belt homeless) Well that back fired. He blows his damn breath in my face and says "Just alcohol"! He asked me if I was scared. Goading me. I bet you were scared huh? You scared? I said, "Hell no I'm not scared, but I did just have an adrenaline dump because some one is running at me in the parking lot'. It seemed important to him that I was scared. I got right there! He's all about intimidation!

I finally get to my truck and disengage from the big satellite guy and get the crap out of there. I go down the block to call the law and once again my phone is dead. I see big guy sitting under the eaves again. I rolled up to him and hollered out the window, " Man, you might want to take take off because I'm going to call the cops on you again"! Stopped at PD and gave my name, his description, etc.

I see him around off and on, no further problems but since he knows my vehicle I've been worried the may wife may cross paths with him and get hassled. He does have a troubling record, as far as I can access.

Well I certainly wanted to be more if informed about this guy. I had an in with people that try to help the homeless and got a name right away. Searching public records and FB you can't believe the info I found on the guy. The anti psychotics had made him very soft. He's some ones very troubled son. Somebody spent money on this kid's dental work and maybe they still do. Who knows.....I even know what bridge he camps under. Knowledge is power.

This all could have ended so much worse than it did.I was ready to go to war, if needed. Couldn't run from the problem. It's either resolve it somehow or it will be my ass for trying to trump any force used against me. One hit I'm going down, if I'm down I'm most likely beat to a pulp or killed. Old and feeble sucks. Really sucks.

What also really shook me was the thought of some one who is not afraid of anything you do them. Pulling a weapon may not impress a really messed up person.

Yup, I should have ignored him on our second meeting and not flipped him off. I should have just left right away. I wasn't trying to br a starchy old prick despite being run out of somewhere I really like, by a damn bum. There is lots of folks that spend time there and they shouldn't have to deal with the verbal crap either. All he had to do was be discrete, it's the secret to invisibility. No problems.

Haven't seen him in a while. Real good news.

First thing you ought to do is keep your phone charged or get a new one, a dead phone is just as useless as a gun locked in a safe. Speaking of guns why aren't you carrying one? I carry everywhere I go except when I have to drive to NJ where it would be illegal. Unfortunately there are a lot of people suffering from mental illness these days or high on drugs or both which might explain his behavior.

that was my first thought... why was your phone dead and then again for the 2nd time?

My next thought was.... when the big dude who had threatened me before was running at me... that would have been his last run... I would have dropped like a rock... three to the chest.

I would how yelled a warning for him to stop first and depending on the space between us he might have had the choice to turn and live.

Seems to me that a severed hamstring would prevent such recurrences to you and to anyone else whom he may have wished to victimize in the future.

Interesting chain of events. I’m glad everything ended fairly well.

Listening to your fellow SF members there are definitely a few good take aways to your situation and they have been said already.

Also, and this is one of my pet peeves with this forum, is that since you didn’t put even an approximate location in your story or signature line we have no friggin clue as to where this took place which can influence your options and our suggestions…

FUD would be proud, well done, great story.

Find a different place to enjoy a “relaxing” smoke cause that place ain’t it no more.

FWIW you write well. That OP was excellent.

So a bum goes to a gym? Bit confused by that.

Forewarned is fore armed. Time to get a better phone, and more equipment in the pocket than just a knife, IMO.

Or pick a different spot to hang out. Crazy, psychotic people are best avoided.

A lot to learn from the story , I hope you did.

Good fugging story

Don't know where you are from, but here in Virginia we can get Concealed Carry Permits. I just renewed mine for 5 years. And I do not leave the house without protection. At my age (84), personal combat is out of the question. I believe in that old philosophy of "Never be more than an arm's reach from your sword"!

A fleshy man-boy who lives down by the river?

Did you have a run in with Chris Farley's belligerent younger brother?

Ummm.... Dont go back there. And fix your phone.

Something oddly familiar here…

I thought you abided your metronome and was looking forward to your rendition:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KflCXmEX6BY

It's a good lesson and something to consider in this crazy modern America. Especially as many of us reach the age where we shouldn't be getting into fisticuffs. I don't understand why the crazy mofo singled you out for threats, I suppose in his deluded mind some kind of turf protection. Best response? I'm not sure. Must avoid conflict, but if we allow threats to limit our freedom of movement, where does it end.

Damn Gecko. I didn't know you got that old. Did you blade at a 45° angle?

Shocked the story was not started with : it was a cold and dark scary night . 6’6” can bench 300lbs and has a soft chest.

If I'm in a remote area I always carry a Colt compact .45 on me, I always have a G20, bear spray, and a hickory ax handle easily accessible in the car. The level of threat will determine the level of response. I'm guessing this guy would have been somewhere in between the spray and the handle.

Saying the attacker was a wasted life right after confessing you only go to work and look at plants at the farmers market is quite ironic.
That and coming up with fiction to post on internet forums for some kind of weird attention.