My mother is 92. Onset of dementia. Finally had to put her in to a care facility. It may sound abstract and mean, but we are not equipped to care for an aging parent. So here’s some advice: long term care insurance, POA’s, co-owners on bank accounts, and wills.

I'm sorry to hear this. Watching someone go through dementia is awful.

I agree with taking steps to help with things as parents age. A few years ago my parents and us kids had some discussions and steps and decisions were made to help as they age.

Yes. Caring for an aging parent is emotionally, physically, and potentially financially exhausting. (But so was raising you as a child!)

My mother started failing physically about 2019, and began failing mentally a few years later. Not dementia, but bouts of mania and mild hallucinations/fantastical thinking.

Luckily, my father is still relatively healthy and was able to provide most of her care himself for the last several years, but it had become too much for him alone. She and my father moved down a few blocks from me in early 2024 so I could help them more.

Mom eventually went into a hospital in the fall and passed last November.

While I love my mother and miss her a lot, it was a relief that she wasn't suffering any more, and that my dad was no longer killing himself trying to care for her 24/7.

Having gone through that with Mom's decline, Dad and I have already taken pragmatic steps to solidify his estate planning, including updating his will, giving me POA, and setting up a trust for his assets and accounts with the two of us as the trustees.

I to am sorry you are dealing with this. Yes it can be a real challenge. Something that many of us are or have or will deal with. As hard as it can be we must remember that some day it could be us needing the help and support. And hope there will be compassionate people around us to provide support.

BTDT. The lesson for you is to plan for that eventuality happening to you also.

My dad had Alzheimer’s and lived short of a 100. I don’t have it yet but I have plans.

One thing old people have a hard time with is recognizing the onset and accepting you need to change.

Lost my mother to dementia. You can’t take care of them yourself. You think you can,but you can’t. The caregiver usually wears out first. My dad died before my mother because he thought he could do it. Take any help you can get. I’m sorry your family is going through this. You are in my prayers.

my father had early onset dementia (not sure which flavor) and after a broken arm and some issues with care givers, (some sucked, he was not happy with others,) he had to go into a care facility , at the advice of doctors, to get his meds balanced,

biggest mistake I have ever made

he ended up in a memory care unit in an upscale facility my Sis in Law managed,
we had to pay for some, medicare and tri care paid for other days, depending on what the docs said his issue was that week


he went into hospice, and passed 3 days after his Long Term care plan took over,

Also put any real property owned and possibly bank accounts in a trust. If you're hoping insurance/medicare will pay for an assisted living/nursing home, you need to deplete all of your assets first. If the assets are in a trust for a period of time before that happens, they can't come after it.

My wife’s mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia 2 or so years ago. Last year they put her in assisted living because she kept forgetting directions and just could not take care of herself anymore. According to my mil, she alsways had a thousand things to do….

Didn’t take long for her to get to memory care and in less than one year (February 24th), she passed from what we believe was a heart attack. Fortunately, both her daughters were there but my wife just made it for her last breath).

In her final days, my mil was very difficult to deal with and fell down/over several times.

Unless you are dedicated full time to care for her and have medical care on the ready, some sort of care facility is better. We can’t be there 24/7.

One benefit, my mil had was she had two (2) long term care policies. That paid for the assisted living facility while she was alive.

Dementia is a horrible disease any you will have to come to terms that the person in front of you is not your mom anymore. It’s better to go thru this final chapter with help as it’s almost too difficult to go it alone.

A word of caution though. Throughly vet the care facility if/when you chose to go that route. Not all care facilities provide the same level of care.

quote:

Originally posted by ryan81986:
Also put any real property owned and possibly bank accounts in a trust. If you're hoping insurance/medicare will pay for an assisted living/nursing home, you need to deplete all of your assets first. If the assets are in a trust for a period of time before that happens, they can't come after it.

Is this accurate? What kind of trust?

It’s tough for sure.

quote:

Originally posted by irreverent:

quote:

Originally posted by ryan81986:
Also put any real property owned and possibly bank accounts in a trust. If you're hoping insurance/medicare will pay for an assisted living/nursing home, you need to deplete all of your assets first. If the assets are in a trust for a period of time before that happens, they can't come after it.

Is this accurate? What kind of trust?

Look up the Medicaid Estate Recovery Program which recovers after you pass. My grandparents were also advised that medicare/medicade may not pay for it at all if they have the funds to pay for it themselves.

My parents are in an assisted living place. They're both 87. Dad's doing OK other than his body is just beat up. Mom has a whole raft of issues going on, heart, kidney, COPD, and dementia. My brother and I drove back to Portland to visit her earlier this week, got back last night. She remembered who I am, but couldn't pull my brother's name out of the fog. Dad keeps us updated on her condition. No idea how long she has left, could be a month, could be a decade, just no way to know. It's hard to watch, even from a distance.

Fortunately, Dad invested well so their expenses are covered, and he has all of their final arrangements already in place. My sister lives near them and has been a huge help in getting it all arranged (she's an accountant).

quote:

Also put any real property owned and possibly bank accounts in a trust. If you're hoping insurance/medicare will pay for an assisted living/nursing home, you need to deplete all of your assets first. If the assets are in a trust for a period of time before that happens, they can't come after it.

^^^^^^^^^^^^
It is quite complicated. The government as usual rewards the indigent. THere are waiting periods for all of this. See an elder care attorney and learn the difference between MEDICAID and MEDICARE. Medicare will NOT pay for a nursing home except after a brief hospital stay. Medicaid will if you are indigent and dont mind placing your parent in the Medicaid wing of the nursing home.

I guess my question was whether or not putting it in a trust would protect their assets. I know the state will come after them and all their property once they run out of money. I think they’ve been planning for a while, but I hadn’t heard about a trust being untouchable.

My 100.5 y.o. mother is in assisted living. Failed memory, broken hip, covid, breathing issues, all have made life miserable for her.
The care place is now 9k per month. One third of that is "points" for extra care. Mother can negotiate flat surfaces with a walker, but distance is not much more than to the bathroom. Otherwise its wheelchair. Despite the difficulties, she still is a loving but hard headed old German lady.
Funds for this care are good for 3-4 years. If more ???

quote:

I think they’ve been planning for a while, but I hadn’t heard about a trust being untouchable.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
You heard wrong. A trust is not untouchable. Hire an elder care attorney for advice.
.

^^^ There's a difference between a revocable trust and an irrevocable one, isn't there? So, it depends. IANAL, btw.

Ok, I’ll follow up. I thought we had this locked up..
Thanks, guys.

I need to study up again but believe the assets in an irrovocable trust transfer tax free. When my dad passed, his portion of the assets transferred to my mom without being taxed.

My mom’s house is in a separate irrovocable trust and immediately gets transferred to my brothers upon her death.

My recollection, when my mom passed, her assets in the Schwab account get distributed to the kids via a new Schwab account in each of our names. At that time, any stocks in the portfolio are ‘steeped up’ to the current value. So, if we choose to sell the stocks, they tax burden is reduced as the value will be based on the value when the stocks were transferred to the recipients.

My dad hated paying taxes and did everything he could to avoid them