I can imagine how you and wife feel especially her.
I was 16 when that bastard came to see what I looked like,I left him standing on front porch with mom.Never a card or Christmas present and I endured constant beating and abuse from mom and step pa.
Two months later he got shot dead [he was a cop]
I refused to go to his funeral.
Years later mom died ,I went could not even shed a tear.
Too many beating as a kid for me to even care.

I feel for ya. Here's my take. My late FiL wasn't the most pleasant either. He frankly was a mean alcoholic who was stubborn even as he went through a 5 year battle with stage 4 cancer. He fought really hard. My wife and I visited him a few times. It wasn't easy trying to show compassion for somehow who seemed to have little. My father even went to meet him for the first time when he only had a few months to live. It was the first and only time our fathers ever met. We had been married around 15 years at the time!

My thoughts are that your wife will at some point need to reconcile her feelings. Maybe you will too. I think trying to be there and taking the high road is better than not trying to show any support at all. What you and your wife are in the middle of isn't easy. Hell, 10 years after my FiLs death I still wonder why he made things so difficult. My MiL has been amazing almost every day since his passing. He never liked me very much but we had so many common interests... Sad how those things happen like that.

My FIL is an abusive srlf righteous fuck......

He has always been very pleasant to me but I know what he did. My MIL stays with us for months at a time and she is great.

I have told my wife he is not welcome, there are times she is torn......but then he does his normal shit and she remembers.

When he dies I will support my wife and MIL in however they feel they should grieve.

And don't ask about my father.......

I'd have the wife write a very direct letter to the curmudgeon telling him how much he sucks. End the letter with, "Just wanted you to know before you died."

I'm going to throw a party when my wife's father sperm donor goes. Some people just deserve it.

I say this in all seriousness and wih no intent to be flippant: There is no "correct" way to feel about such things. Life is messy and people are imperfect. Feel however you feel and don't concern yourself with it. When it comes to how you feel about things, you owe nothing to anyone.

quote:

Originally posted by sigmonkey:
It is most difficult to know what obstacle, real or imagined, are in the path of anyone but ourselves.

I had a lot of anger and hatred for people who caused me much pain in my life, but as I take the steps I do, each day, I begin to realize that a lot of the things that they did were not so much out of evil and selfishness, but self preservation and dealing with what was left to them.

So, let any bit of your compassion be sent towards his need, and let not your future be troubled with regret of not letting go of ill thoughts.

For in the end, no amount of anger or hatred towards another will undo what they have done, but only burdens you.

You love those you can, and while it never can undo another's actions or behaviors, the tow cannot occupy the same place in a heart.

Maybe a good time to let the wife know who much she means to you, and also a kind word to the grandson.

(and I am a most jaded and cynical person in my diminishing years)

If I can copy and save your post Mike, I will. Its just you sir and you dont know how special you are. I will read the thread a bit later as I'm doing brakes and rotors now. All the best Lord Vaalic for you and your Mrs.

Just be there for your wife however she needs you to be there. My FiL was a cranky, spoiled, stubborn, paranoid, bitter man. We didn't have much of a relationship. My wife's relationship with him was conflicted. I might have handled a few things differently than she did at the very end but my job was to support her not tell her what to do. Your wife has or will come to terms with her father's life and passing and their relationship. Provide comfort.