He has never been much of a father to my wife. In 17 years he has visited her only one time. I cant recall him ever calling my wife, even as she has gone through cancer two years ago and again right now. He's been in extremely poor health the last few years, now he's really bad and on permanent dialysis, and they are amputating his leg Friday. There is a real chance he won't make it through the surgery with his bad heart and non functioning kidneys.

Wife is obviously conflicted in her feelings about it. I guess I dont wish the guy any ill but it's hard to get too worked up over it. When she was young he took off with all the money and left them with nothing. Had never really even given a shit about his grandson either.

It is most difficult to know what obstacle, real or imagined, are in the path of anyone but ourselves.

I had a lot of anger and hatred for people who caused me much pain in my life, but as I take the steps I do, each day, I begin to realize that a lot of the things that they did were not so much out of evil and selfishness, but self preservation and dealing with what was left to them.

So, let any bit of your compassion be sent towards his need, and let not your future be troubled with regret of not letting go of ill thoughts.

For in the end, no amount of anger or hatred towards another will undo what they have done, but only burdens you.

You love those you can, and while it never can undo another's actions or behaviors, the tow cannot occupy the same place in a heart.

Maybe a good time to let the wife know who much she means to you, and also a kind word to the grandson.

(and I am a most jaded and cynical person in my diminishing years)

prayers to all would be the right thing. Boy, the guy sounds like a crumb. Ran off, left a family broke money wise & spiritually. Selfish.

Sad for the grandson also. Every kid should get to meet his grandpa. Whatever your bride thinks is what I'd do. Again, prayers for your family.

Seems like it's more an exercise in what could have been and mourning the loss of the chance to fix it.

People can be assholes, my father in law included (alcoholic for years, and has made my wife cry more times than I would like). It's how you deal with them that matters. It's up to you all if you want to walk away or give it one more shot.

In all events, I wish you peace with whatever decision you make, and good luck to your wife with her battle.

He sounds a lot like my wifes father. I feel sad for him for his daughter is such a wonderful person and he has virtually missed out on the blessing she is.

And I mostly agree with SM's post.

sigmonkey gives good advice.

When my father was dying, all of us kids were in his hospital room when they pulled the plug and we all watched him die. There were a few tears, but not many, and none from me. I felt...nothing. Never, in any memory that I have, have I felt any affection for the man whatsoever. Hatred was there for some years, but that is long since passed.

What I did learn to do since then was forgive. And it was more therapeutic than one can imagine. It set him, and me, free. I have also come to believe that the way he treated us kids was predicated on the fact that his life was miserable and not at all what he wanted for himself. It's no excuse, mind you, but it does explain some things. I've come to the conclusion, over the past few years, that he did the best that he could. It sucked, but it was all he could do. So...I forgive him.

Very few of us intentionally act out of malice, particularly towards family and children. Perhaps ask your wife to consider this and to try to forgive him.

quote:

sigmonkey gives good advice.

May you all find peace.

Can't add a lot to what's posted above. I don't see the need to feel or do a whole lot.

Regardless, it(situation/he) won't be around much longer, life goes on. Just being there for the wife is enough.

No need to bury the truth, but no reason to let wrongs of the past effect the present, when the principles are deceased.

Focus on your wife. React in a manner that will comfort her whether that reflects your true feelings or not. Helping her through this is your primary function here.

quote:

Originally posted by Krazeehorse:
Focus on your wife. React in a manner that will comfort her whether that reflects your true feelings or not. Helping her through this is your primary function here.

Bingo, this is the only answer.

You should be willing to go with her to piss on his grave or lay flowers there, whatever helps her.

quote:

Originally posted by sigmonkey:

For in the end, no amount of anger or hatred towards another will undo what they have done, but only burdens you.

I went through just this sort of thing with my father, he divorced my mom when I was six, the last time I saw him was when I was eleven, he never had any contact with my brother, sister or myself again. For many years I thought it had no effect on me, however I found I was mistaken. Back in 1980 I was shown the error of my ways, I found that I was, in fact carrying a great deal of anger and hatred and was finally able to release it. Like the man said 'You keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside'. Even more to the point, he's been dead for many years now, he has no effect on me.

A sad aspect of things such as this is that most times they don't even know that you have given them such power, you've gone through it solely to your detriment.

How many of our Dad's were a disappointment? I wonder how much of it was the time period, and how much was the individual.

This thread is good for me, my Father was in many ways a disappointment for me, and very hurtful to my Mother. He's in an assisted living facility now, and burns what I feel is way too much of my time. He never bothered to play with me nor take me hiking, fishing, hunting, etc; BUT he never yelled at me and he always provided for my Mom and I. He never left her, and he probably should have.

So now he's old, lonely and feels sorry for himself. I've got my own kids that I play with and take everywhere all the time.

As was said above, I think he did the best he knew how to do. Now I'm trying to do the best I can for him while still keeping my wife and kids the priority.

Family can be very hard.

Good Luck everyone

Just be there for your wife. Be her rock. She will have to deal with emotions and scars, support her by listening mindfully.

quote:

Originally posted by sigmonkey:
It is most difficult to know what obstacle, real or imagined, are in the path of anyone but ourselves.

I had a lot of anger and hatred for people who caused me much pain in my life, but as I take the steps I do, each day, I begin to realize that a lot of the things that they did were not so much out of evil and selfishness, but self preservation and dealing with what was left to them.

So, let any bit of your compassion be sent towards his need, and let not your future be troubled with regret of not letting go of ill thoughts.

For in the end, no amount of anger or hatred towards another will undo what they have done, but only burdens you.

You love those you can, and while it never can undo another's actions or behaviors, the tow cannot occupy the same place in a heart.

Maybe a good time to let the wife know who much she means to you, and also a kind word to the grandson.

(and I am a most jaded and cynical person in my diminishing years)

It was gratifying to read this.^

Perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever done is to forgive the impenitent.

quote:

For in the end no amount of anger or hatred towards another will undo what they have done, but only burdens you

Preach it.

You can't really control your feelings much anyway. So offer up what compassion you can, and don't feel guilty over the feelings you don't have.

quote:

How many of our Dad's were a disappointment? I wonder how much of it was the time period, and how much was the individual.

Its hard for me to understand, my dad was the opposite. My dad is the yardstick I hold up as the standard of a man, I couldn't have asked for a better dad. As a dad myself I just cant understand it, whatever issues my wife and I had in the past, I could never, ever, abandon my son or ignore him. I work too much and don't always have enough time for him but he's my buddy and even my wife and I split, I would make sure he was well taken care of and would be there as much as possible.

My father in law isn't a total bastard, just a negligent one. He has caused her a lot of stress and pain over the years. I think the advice here is the best, just forgive and move on

Please don't take this as overly harsh but since you asked:

People 'make their bed' as they go through life. Eventually they have to lay in it.

His actions / inactions are his to bear. I wouldn't lose any sleep. People die and the world keeps turning.

Now I would - on the other hand - be there 110% for your wife. She is processing a lot in reflecting on all this. Support her and you are doing the right thing.

-------------------------

be there for your wife

I can't relate as I have a very good relationship with my father - wasn't so great when I was living at home but for the past 25 years its been really nice

quote:

Originally posted by Lord Vaalic:

quote:

How many of our Dad's were a disappointment? I wonder how much of it was the time period, and how much was the individual.

Its hard for me to understand, my dad was the opposite. My dad is the yardstick I hold up as the standard of a man, I couldn't have asked for a better dad. As a dad myself I just cant understand it, whatever issues my wife and I had in the past, I could never, ever, abandon my son or ignore him. I work too much and don't always have enough time for him but he's my buddy and even my wife and I split, I would make sure he was well taken care of and would be there as much as possible.

My father in law isn't a total bastard, just a negligent one. He has caused her a lot of stress and pain over the years. I think the advice here is the best, just forgive and move on

You are a lucky man. Not all of us experience such idyllic situations in our upbringing, or life with our parents. I won't go into details, but you should be grateful for what you have. As others suggest, focus on your wife.

There is a lot of great advice on the single page… Strongly suggest you heed it. Don't go creating extra drama where there is already likely far too much of it.