So I've been a cop for about 14 years now. My first three as a local cop and the remainder as a Fed. One of the first things any rookie cop learned is how to deal with disappointment. You realize fairly quickly that you aren't going to save the world. You learn to be happy with the small victories and not focus on the losses. If you're any good at it you learn to have this trickle over into your regular life as well. I'm usually pretty masterful at this, but lately I'm in a funk I can't get out of. I'm seriously starting to consider some changes.

2017 started out well enough. My wife and I finally decided to have a child. We found out on my best friend's birthday of all days that she was pregnant. How amazing and terrifying at the same time, especially since we literally had success the first month we tried.

Things were going very well. The doctor was very pleased with how things were progressing and we even got a good strong heartbeat at week 10. The doc thought things were going so well that he even told us we could start telling people since it looked like we were out of the woods. At the same time, an opening for a position I've been interested in since the start of my career at my current agency opened up and I applied. Everything was looking good. I got rave reviews and recommendations from my chain of command and even from other agencies.

Then we went for the first real, normal ultrasound, right at 12 weeks. The baby had died a few days prior. It was heart breaking, especially to my wife and both of our mothers. But we powered on through. We were pretty clinical about it and figured it was for the best, besides I just knew my wife would be pregnant again in no time.

Less than a week after this bad news I found out that I wasn't selected for the position I put in for. In fact half of the vacancies went unfilled. Despite the fact that my chain of command fought for me, including above my division, the position just didn't work out. I was assured that I would be a shoe-in the next time the position came up, but the situation was complicated and just didn't work out this time. I chalked it up to politics and carried on.

So 6 or 8 weeks goes by and another detail that I'm interested in comes up. Again glowing reviews were forwarded from my division along with my application. 3 weeks or so after the announcement closes, my boss calls me into his office and tells me to close the door - uh oh, that's never good. Ultimately I was non selected for the detail. My boss is great and wanted to tell me in private knowing I'd be disappointed and that I'd had a rough couple of months. Come to find out, despite all the official communications from my leadership, the only person that actually bothered to make a phone call behind the scenes was someone who wanted to sand bag me. My boss even felt bad that he didn't make any phone calls behind the scenes on my behalf. Ultimately it just sucked knowing that despite all the good work I do and all the compliments that I've received on my work, that the only person willing to make a call did so to sand bag me.

In the midst of all this I get to see the disappointment in my wife's eyes every time she sees a pregnant woman, or finds out that another friend or relative is pregnant. And despite the initial ease of success, the past few months haven't followed. My wife is awesome. She's tough as they come and the best friend anyone could ask for. She's the tough one - seriously. So it kills me to see her get those occasional sad spells or to see her tear up randomly- something she's never done.

The straw that broke the camel's back and really has me pissed off at myself came about two weeks ago. I'm not the agent that always has the biggest cases or is always grabbing headlines but I'm the one that you can always count on. When our new boss came on he even commented on knowing he could count on me for anything and how I make navigating the admin crap look easy. So when I got an email from my boss with a bunch of paperwork deficiencies on a couple of my cases I was devastated. It really wasn't a big deal, hell I stayed late and had everything sorted out that evening. It just really bothered me that I'd let some things slip over the previous few months. I know I've been in a bit of a fog, but this isn't like me. Now here I am disappointed in myself and just wondering when the bad luck string is going to break. I haven't been this bla in years and while I know things will get better I still find myself worn down.

In the end, I'll be fine and this little vent session with my online friends has been cathartic. Ultimately I'm just uncomfortable with how recent events have affected myself and my wife. I'm not supposed to be the one who has feelings, or let's things get to me. I know I'm only human but damn it sometimes I just hate being reminded of that. Thanks for letting me vent.

Be positive, determined, and diligent. A good attitude outlasts the bullshit.

Also I humbly reccommend eating more meat, nuts, cheese, and beans; drinking less alcohol, wearing loose underwear, avoiding hot tubs.

My sister had two miscarriages after the first child and before tbe second child. Providence has its purposes.

What Kablammo said!! I can't say it any better. Don't worry about work keep treading through it. Keep busy with good work and cases. Be there for your bride. You and your wife will make it through this. My wife had a miscarriage with what have been our first child while fighting through that anguish I was involved in an OIS. Rough times, no better or worse than yours just giving you an example.

You (and your wife) will make it through this!!!

When your are down, everybody gets their punches in.

Hey, my son and daughter in law lost their first before he was born. Like he said, heck if he were having a one night stand with some girl whose name he never asked, he would be supporting a child.

If your doctor did not tell you, it seems that it is a common thing anymore. They now have 2 kids.

The last two jobs I tried to get a promotion for, I did not get either. One of them, I had to help the one that got the job as they are not the person who should have gotten it and will not change for the better either.

If you did not have any dark days, you would never appreciate when you have bright ones.
Hang in there.

The errors in the paperwork are not unexpected given the rollercoaster you been riding.

You say you are both well versed in the normal disapointments and carrying the small sucesses in your back pocket to use when needed.

You simply had greater negatives and the normal positives were just not enough.

Last thing you need to do is beat yourself up for "failing" in any of this, because you have not.

You only have a bigger crap sandwich than typical.

Find some good alone time with your wife, and let her know you see her pain and that you both will see this pass.

I also believe you will see another opportunity that you will seize.

You sound like someone who moves forward and up, and this is only another hill you'll climb.

All the best.

I firmly believe the greater reward awaits those who faithfully endure to the end. As one of many who have seen a choking portion of tough times, I'm counting on it.

Hang in there. Remember, it is darkest right before dawn.

You have plenty of friends here who support you.

First, the easy part, work is work. If it was always easy and fun, it would be called play. Everyone from time to time needs a reset on focus at work. It sounds like people at work respect you and know you are quite capable. Don't let the politcs gain power, no reason to feed that beast.

Now the harder part, I am sorry for your loss. I sincerely hope you find peace. You are now going to experience things you never expected or thought about. People will say things not meaning to be hurtful, but they will cut deeply. You and your wife will go through it differently. There will be times you need her and times she will need you. There will also be times neither will want either. Patience and support is key. Have the moments when needed and when they happen. Don't push them down or away. Don't be afraid to ask for help. There is help out there, both professional counselling and people who have lived it. You might even find out that your parents or her parents have gone through it.

There is a movie out that specifically targets the topic of still birth / miscarriage. It is called Return To Zero. Currently on Netflix and based on a true story. It isn't easy to watch as it very accurately portrays life.

Zachariah, my first son, was born at 23 weeks and lived less than two hours. That was in September of 2005. It is easier now, but there are still times when it isn't. When all of that happened, the quote in my signature really spoke to me. I truly am sorry for your loss.

It sucks when you're in it but closed doors as far as jobs go, may be favors in disguised.

As far as the baby, you still have time. It's a sad loss, I know. I never got to have children of my own. But my wife and I have accepted it. We have friends who also lost theirs in pregnancy and never got pregnant again. And, yet, we also have friends who lost pregnancies a couple of times but succeeded finally.

I know how deep and dark it may be for you; it was for me. I felt so alone and I didn't want to burden my wife with my feelings, especially the work issues. What helped me was reading the sad psalms in the bible. I just leafed through the psalms until I found a couple I could relate to and read them to myself. And I cried. And I prayed. My wife also made me play golf just so I can have something else to think about for those hours on the course.

I'll pray for you, brother. I know what must be going through your chest.

My wife had a miscarriage too. When we were trying she'd notice every pregnant woman, or small child, and burst into tears. After our two kids (10 and 14), we can look back on it and know that was just a blip. We even have a saying "everybody but you". It's become a reminder when we start to feel like something is never going to happen.

The way things turned out, I feel pretty fortunate that we had kids later in life And losing what I thought was a good job turned into an opportunity for a great job where I've earned 30% more than the people who didn't get downsized. Those that stayed took a pay hit for years, went through life altering stress, and ended up job hunting the the company went under.

It's hard when you're in the middle of it, but it'll pass. Keep slogging.

Hang in there. Unfortunately bad things seem to happen in groups, at least for me. You'll get through this patch and things will get better. Stay positive. It can ALWAYS be worse.

Our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage while I was out of town. It was hell. And almost a year till we had our next success.

We now have three boys. It will happen. Have patience.

God bless you and your wife.

It's extremely tough to go through and I totally understand. We had no problems with our first. We lost our 2nd baby at 12 weeks as well. My wife doesn't want to be around any of our pregnant friends and it's super hard since most of our friends have already had their 2nd baby. That was back in Feb. and we haven't had any luck. I wish I had a solution but there really isn't anything you can do but stay positive and keep going. I'll pray for both of you.

I believe that the body often initiates a miscarriage when it determines that there is a health problem with the child. The child may just not have been viable, and possibly could not have lived outside the womb.

When the time comes you may have a perfect, wonderful baby. I say be patient, be healthy, and preferably do not drink, etc.

Sometimes driving to work I see this guy with no legs, and possibly no pelvis, pushing himself along with his hands while his torso sits on a skateboard. I then realize things could always be worse, and I stop being self absorbed.

That is undoubtedly a rough spell, to say the least, and yet your attitude - even amongst the well deserved venting - seems pretty great.

Even the best, brightest, and strongest have off days/weeks/months, years even.

Keep doing what you're doing, I firmly believe things will improve and be back on track.

As for he miscarriage in particular, I have several friends, happy, healthy, well off even, who have had similar troubles, and in one case they had three happen before it worked out. Shit happens... do your best to stay strong and keep at it, all of it.

I wish you and you guys the very best.

You got hit pretty hard, no doubt about it.

But, you also learned that you are professionally respected by your Bosses and outside agencies, take some comfort in that.

It sounds like you set a very high standard for yourself, that's good. But, don't crucify yourself for a few small mistakes. I'm sure you have heard that before and I'm sure you probably said that to someone else before. But in my experience it's hard to apply that advice to yourself.

If you don't mind me asking, when was the last time you took some time off? Would vacation help? Decompress, catch up on sleep that sort of thing?

Have you or your wife considered counseling? It might help, I don't pretend to know what you and your wife are going through, but maybe talking to some one who has been through this or helped other families through this before could help.

I echo what everyone else has said and would just add, don't worry about it and keep doing what you've been doing. It will all work out.

My wife had several miscarriages, then surgery on uterus, then success.

I am a retired Fed (not LE) and also had difficulty getting selected despite being the highest qualified. The hiring official either knows in advance who they want, they do not want the best qualified for whatever reason, or they don't want you for some particular reason (in my case I think it was because I speak my mind in plain English and don't embellish it with BS).

Your honesty & courage to open up about this is refreshing and speaks volumes to your character sir. I will offer a prayer to the almighty for both you and your wonderful wife. Keep the faith

Thanks to all for the support, prayers and encouragement. I ultimately know that we'll survive and whatever is meant to be will be. It's just been a bit of a rough patch and I needed to vent. And I have a bunch of use/lose leave that I need to burn up so I definitely need to schedule some vacation soon.

The positive has been that my wife and I are probably more in touch with each other than ever. The experience has also brought me closer to some of my other friends, especially one who went through the same thing herself a little less than a year ago. At least I'm not so far gone that I can't see the positives! I'll survive and thanks again to all of you for your support and for letting me vent.

There is no hill that never ends.