I’ve been divorced 7 or so years now.
I’m engaged to be married to a woman who is far more than I deserve.
I found out today that the ex is dating someone named ‘Steven’.
My kids have met him. (Both aged 21)
It’s bugging the fuck out of me.

I didn’t want to be divorced, she left me.
As happy as I am with my new situation, marriage to me was a lifetime commitment and I’m having a difficult time letting go and accepting that the woman I once considered the love of my life…has found someone else.

What bullshit (or maybe truthful) stories is she telling him about me.
Is he going to steal my kids affection from me?
Is he going to be the man who can give her all the things I couldn’t?

Even as I write this I tell myself to quit being such an insecure pussy and let her move on with her life the same way I did, but it is a lot easier to watch ME move on than it is to see her do the same.

End of rant. I will likely delete this in the morning…but it did feel good to write out.

You need to turn your back to all that, and focus on "a woman who is far more than I deserve."

Don't fuck this up.

All the rest, your ex's "stories about you" so some guy you have no responsibility to give a second though about, is nothing you can do to change. Waste no time in you head about it.

I understand the "I did not want this", most certainly I do. But I either walk away from it and live, or stop and die in its misery.


"Get busy living or get busy dying."
-Andy Dufresne


Put your mind at ease and get a good night's sleep.

I’ve been final for just over a year, I’m the one that filed. I wasn’t looking to get divorced, but I was left with little choice. She lived in fantasy land, I brought her to reality.

I don’t care if she gets married 5 times. She calls every few weeks, I don’t often take the call or message back.

I’d do what you can to start a new chapter. My ex has ‘revisionist history’ herself. I may or may not tell whoever what the real events were.

^^^
You gets it.

My heart breaks for you. After my first divorce, we were both too young, I was single for six years and I dated
at least a dozen women. When I met my second wife she was the only one I was truly head over heels in love with.
30 years together, she cheated on me 20 years ago, she denied it but I knew everything. She always did underestimate
me. I still loved her. When we left the courthouse three years ago I sent her the proof she always denied. Has not
talked to me since. I never asked my two sons one question about her, didn't want to put them in the middle.
I kept getting stuff in the mail with her name and a different last name. I finally asked my son. A man talked her
into a house she couldn't afford, stole the six figure check I gave her. She called off the wedding two days before.
At 59 years she is so far in debt she will never get out of it. There will always be a special place in my heart for
her but I'm finally letting her go. Don't care if I ever see her again.

I wish you well.

7 years?!? Are you collecting any rent for that space she's taking up in your head? If not, move on. And...your kids are adults. They'll form their own opinions whether you agree with them or not. She broke the vow, right? Doesn't that piss you off a little? Get on with the rest of your life, man!

It's okay even if it doesn't make sense. You're human.

This:

quote:

Originally posted by cas:
It's okay even if it doesn't make sense. You're human.

And all of this:

quote:

Originally posted by sigmonkey:
Don't fuck this up.
(...)
Waste no time in your head about it.
(...)
Put your mind at ease and get a good night's sleep.

And absolutely this:

quote:

Originally posted by Schmelby:
I wish you well.

Whether you think of it in terms of finding it, making it, achieving it, or some other way, peace in your mind and heart are the prescription.

Your ex burned her blister; it's hers to sit on. You don't have to watch that, relish that, despair that, or care one whit about that.

Peace and happiness lie ahead of us, despite (or often to spite) the destruction that lies in our pasts.

Going forward, make the conditions such that the only stories your kids can tell on you are good and solid ones. Make life with your new love the very same.

Good luck to you, sir. Go enjoy your future!

quote:

I’m engaged to be married to a woman who is far more than I deserve.

Focus!

I was married 34 years. Did everything I could to save the marriage. But she was so deeply broken there was no way. We divorced 8 years ago.

I've been remarried now for 4 years to a woman "far more than I deserve". Being married to someone is far different than dating or even being engaged. It really solidified my moving on internally. Was there a subconscious competition in my mind of was I doing better than her? Idk, but getting married completed my transition to seeing her just as someone I used to know.

Adult kids won't be swayed by your ex's new boyfriend. They understand a lot more about what really happened than you give them credit for.

Yes, focus on your new love. Good luck Sir

Divorce sucks. Been there too.

It takes alot to get your emotions to accept what your head knows. You know she is gone and you gotta let her go. You know that what she says about you doesn't change facts and what you think she is saying is probably not what she is saying.

Don't take counsel of your demons, it sounds like your kids are 21 or so, so the new guy isn't gonna replace you in all the big Dad moment in their life. Just stay connected with your kids and be a good Dad to them.

Continue to vent here, you are among folks that know and respect you.

I agree with the other guys recommending that you focus your energy and heart on your current Lady and your pending nuptuals.

quote:

Originally posted by BigSwede:
Yes, focus on your new love. Good luck Sir

This

Damn, but I get it.

First of all, what others think of you is truly none of your business. I used to get so wrapped up about how I came across to people and what they thought of me until someone explained it to me in just those words. It has been so freeing.

The only thing in life that we have any real control over is what we think about, and how we choose to think about it. I hope you find a way to let go of it, because from here it looks like you're choosing to hug a cactus.

quote:

As happy as I am with my new situation, marriage to me was a lifetime commitment and I’m having a difficult time letting go and accepting that the woman I once considered the love of my life…has found someone else.

You are allowed to move on physically to a new person (though clearly you are not emotionally ready to move on) but your past lady is not allowed to move on physically (can’t say where she is at emotionally), am I getting this right?

Your new lady is good with you still being so emotionally stuck to your ex?
That’s not fair to your new lady if you ask me. I think you need to work out the issues you are having about the past lady before marrying a new lady or you are going to have two ex wives in due time.

Sorry if that is harsh but it’s reality.

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin1069:
I’ve been divorced 7 or so years now.
I’m engaged to be married to a woman who is far more than I deserve.
I found out today that the ex is dating someone named ‘Steven’.
My kids have met him. (Both aged 21)
It’s bugging the fuck out of me.

I didn’t want to be divorced, she left me.
As happy as I am with my new situation, marriage to me was a lifetime commitment and I’m having a difficult time letting go and accepting that the woman I once considered the love of my life…has found someone else.

I've gone through exactly this. It was the worst time of my life and the only time I've considered ending my life. 23 years of marriage and four children. I started dating and found the woman I would eventually marry, but my feelings for my ex affected that relationship. Luckily, she was patient with me while I worked through the emotional baggage of that marriage. We just celebrated our 37th wedding anniversary. This woman is truly the love of my life and my best friend.

Looking back, I have to say my ex did me the greatest favor of my life by leaving me.

My advice (as others have said) is get on with your life. Your ex has and until you do you are no good for any other woman. You can choose to dwell in the past or make a new future. I vote for future.

Bluntly, and no offense, fuck her. She wasn’t the one obviously. You get one and only one life and it’s ticking by. Minutes on this planet are more valuable than even money. Put it behind you, move on, that whole deal is over. If it’s something you can’t manage on your own, get a shrink, literally, because you’ll fuck up your new relationship over it if you aren’t careful, and the ex doesn’t deserve that and you don’t deserve it. Be happy, you had time to recoup, find someone else. Imagine not figuring it out until 70, getting a divorce then, and being stuck alone in your retirement years? Pull up your boot straps, and be very thankful that you get this life. Not a day goes by in my life, with all the bs I’ve been through, where I don’t thank God. I thank him, every day, for every day I get here. So many get taken young. If none of this works, go find some St. Jude footage. Watch those little innocent children with bald heads and sick as shit. If that won’t wake you up, nothing will.

She broke your trust and walked out on your relationship. I'm not saying you should hate her, or even be angry at her at this point...but get her out of your head. It's over. It has been for 7 years. You owe it to yourself and your fiance to move on. Enjoy your new life together, and don't expect her to share you with your ex, even in your head.

I haven't even spoken to my ex wife in 17 years.

I just don't give a shit.

My ex-brother in law posted up a photo of a family dinner with her sitting next to her sister. She has sowle up like a toady frog, up from being a gymnast her whole life.