Get over it. You will heal. My ex and I have been divorced for over 25 yesrs and we never communicated with each other. Then 3 years ago she gave me the best Christmas present I could have asked for. She got Covid and passed away on Christmas Day. I hope that Bi**h will rot in hell forever.

Just take it one day at a time. Life goes on.

Your fiancée deserves to know about this quandrary.

I agree with the person who said “focus”. This woman deserves your attention and love, not the chick who walked.


ETA: Btw, your sons are grown. Nothing will ever take away their childhood memories with you. They may open their hearts to their mom’s new person, but that person will never steal their affection for you, no matter how hard he may try. I’m betting he just wants to be on decent terms so it won’t affect his relationship with their mom.

And I understand your fears and appreciate your honesty in laying them out, but that ex situation has little to do with your life now, right? Your kids come and go as they please, etc? That would be the only concern I’d really be bugged by; knowing my child might be manipulated by someone who might not have their best interests at heart.

The rest you cannot control, nor should you let it take up space in your head. Wish them well, and move forward with your future.

Congrats on your engagement, btw.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: irreverent,

This may or may not help but she'll probably not tell any stories, your kids have an extra person who will hopefully want to be in their lives and that won't diminish any feelings they have for you, and if he makes her happy, then you'll both have moved on and she'll leave you to be happy as well.

I'm glad you put a voice to those feelings. I know it hurt so, so much for me. I felt like a failure. I felt unworthy of being loved. I felt unworthy of being.

But feelings belong to you; one can choose how much you want to feel them.

For me, those feelings were like a wave. I felt like I was drowning, and told myself I just have to keep my head above it, let the feelings ride, and eventually ebb away.

I don't know how to explain it, but one day I just didn't care anymore. I realized those feelings didn't matter to me; they didn't serve me in any meaningful way. I learned to be happy with myself.

And I wish the same for you, my friend.

This:

“Don't take counsel of your demons”.

And also, because I could not do that on my own either, I too recommend a good therapist.

It’s a journey. No…It’s a damned odyssey. I truly look forward to the day when I wake up and don’t care anymore.

You should read Mark Manson's "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck". I read it a few years ago and was surprised how much I liked it.

One of his key points is that you only have so many f*cks to give, so be sure what you're stressing about is even worth giving a f*ck about.

Either find a way to get over it and move on or your fiancée will get tired of competing with the memories of your ex-wife and she will move on.

My suggestion is find a professional counsellor who can help you.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: ulsterman,

From the moment I overheard the "love of my life" high school sweetheart tell another man she loved him... and I had done everything possible to save the marriage... well after that she was dead to me... 6 years down the drain. Reset. Thankfully no kids.

Found another through a friend and was married to her in less than 6 months. We are at 45 years and counting... 3 kids, 8 grand and 2 great grand kids.

I said fuck-it and moved on...

quote:

Originally posted by ulsterman:
You need to make a choice.

Either get over it and move on or your fiancée will get tired of competing with the memories of your ex-wife and she will move on.

My suggestion is find a professional counsellor who can help you.

That should be tattooed on the brain every guy who's in the situation and be kept in the front of the memory line.

Focus on who you're with, not on on who you were with, if she more than you deserve, you're blessed, don't blow it.

This quote brings me peace sometimes.

quote:

Originally posted by 12131:

quote:

Originally posted by ulsterman:
You need to make a choice.

Either get over it and move on or your fiancée will get tired of competing with the memories of your ex-wife and she will move on.

My suggestion is find a professional counsellor who can help you.

That should be tattooed on the brain every guy who's in the situation and be kept in the front of the memory line.

Yep.

quote:

Originally posted by Black92LX:

quote:

As happy as I am with my new situation, marriage to me was a lifetime commitment and I’m having a difficult time letting go and accepting that the woman I once considered the love of my life…has found someone else.

You are allowed to move on physically to a new person (though clearly you are not emotionally ready to move on) but your past lady is not allowed to move on physically (can’t say where she is at emotionally), am I getting this right?

Your new lady is good with you still being so emotionally stuck to your ex?
That’s not fair to your new lady if you ask me. I think you need to work out the issues you are having about the past lady before marrying a new lady or you are going to have two ex wives in due time.

Sorry if that is harsh but it’s reality.

I agree. It’s not fair to the new lady that your not hers and never will be.

I feel for you, really I do.
A little over 3.5 years ago, my divorce was finalized.
Thanks a to a couple of members here, I got through the darkest days.

I didn't ask for it either, she wanted it.
It took time, but I just let it go.
I don't seek out her information, don't try to call, and left it behind.
But to move on to another relationship, you HAVE TO LET IT GO.

I am with a gal that I met shortly after it ended. I told her in no way, was I emotionally available and it would not be fair.
She understood, but persisted in just spending time together.

We have been together ever since.
We have talked through what happened to both of us in our marriages, understand that there are things beyond our control, and just plan on day to day life.

You sir, need to find that thing, that one final closure action to move on.
Otherwise, it is not fair to your current fiance.

7 years is a long time, you can figure it out.
Or risk losing what you have now.

Religious? Thank God almighty, that you are healthy and have a a woman who cares.

Brother, find that thing that will give you closure.

For me, it was friends and life, to move on.

"Love the one you're with"

You are extremely lucky to have found someone new - not everyone is that lucky. AND, you may never find it again for the rest of your life.

Forget about your ex - 100% - be happy where you are.

My 1st wife was a psychologist,
She never said it directly but I got the impression that I was "damaged",
And I was some kind of project.
After five years we decided to part.

I missed the best inlaw mom and dad a guy could asked for.
( Still do)

27 years later, her diagnosis was correct.
I am on a couple of "spectrums".

But I've had 43 years with an absolute wonderful lady .

Run with what you got and quit looking in the damn mirror at the past.

I've been divorced for 10 years. We had been married for 20 years. The last three were more or less a separation of sorts as I was traveling internationally 50% of the time. She travelled too, so our overlap at home was even less.

She caused the divorce although I technically filed (someone had too), and like others here my intention in marriage had been not to divorce. My parents had divorced and I didn't want to put my son through that, and I thought we could be mature enough to work out any differences. But she lied, cheated, stole, lied more, lied to cover up the lies, and the house of cards eventually collapsed.

The hardest thing is realizing the person you spent more than half your life with, loved, trusted, and believed in, was not the person you thought they were. And then wondering how much else happened that you don't know about, and maybe it was going on the whole time, and maybe others knew and looked at you like some poor dumb bastard that has no clue. It sucks, but it's better to end it and have a chance for something else.

I fully intended to move on with someone else because I wasn't looking to be alone. She said she just wanted to be independent, unattached, and on her own.

But she was shacked up with a guy 16 years younger than her within 6-7 months (her = 40, him = 24), with no regard for appropriateness or waiting enough time for my son to fully adjust to the changes from the divorce. The guy was lesser than her in every way, and I think she just wanted someone who would never overshadow her. I didn't know at the time and my son didn't say anything (good for him!). I found out a few months later when yet more lies of hers caused a big dust up during the holidays.

That first year I was still working through things, and it was obvious. I dated someone but I wasn't ready. She wasn't either having been widowed from a guy that might as well have been the second coming of Jesus Christ the way she talked about him. I had a couple flings too, but nothing really worked out.

After the last dust up, I was pretty much through it. I was angry about the continued lies, but not surprised. And with her making such bad relationship decisions, IMO, put the final nail in it. She did get married to the younger guy a few years later and they are still together, but I don't ask anything and don't care.

In the 2-3 years after divorce, I lost 25 pounds and got down to my college graduation weight, and my ex wife got fat. Some hormonal thing she said. For those first few years I was looking for someone to settle with, probably to fill the void, or the habit of being with someone, but it wore off eventually.

In the last decade I've dated some very attractive women, most younger than me by a decade or so, one a 16 year younger club DJ and model. I do what I want, buy what I want, travel around the world for my job, and often I am the envy of the married guys I work and do business with. One supplier account manager told me I do a good job pretending to be a rockstar, and there's more truth to that then some might realize - the good AND the bad. I'm OK being alone now, and I certainly don't ever want to go through a divorce again. I might settle down but it's not a need.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Lefty Sig,

I’ve been through The Big D (not Dallas ) and I’ll tell you I’d rather spend my time thinking about the bright possibilities of the future rather than a past that can never be changed and will never get better. Please don’t live in dead end times.

What you can change is your relationship with your past. You’ve been given good advice here. It’s ok to grieve and it’s hard, but at some point you need to walk away from the grave and leave the cemetery, as it were.

The future is worth curating and growing. Fight for it with all you can, you can change it for the better. Take what you learned and be the best you can, for you and your new partner.

quote:

Originally posted by cas:
It's okay even if it doesn't make sense. You're human.

Amen. Letting go of it is easier said than done. If you find it interfering with your life see a counselor.

quote:

Originally posted by Ronin1069:
Is he going to steal my kids affection from me?

This will not happen.