quote:

Originally posted by Lord Vaalic:
My mother, shes my mom, what can you say, I love her but...

My friend...I know EXACTLY what you mean. Yup...she's my mom. Love her. She lives a little under 4 hours driving time away. About 72 hours is my limit to be around her...just a variety of reasons, but it's all my fault. Of course. JSMH. Dad left in 1973-ish, and after having been around mother as an adult, I can understand FULLY why he left. I would never tell her that, however.....

I just spent three weeks taking care of my mom post-surgery. We got into it a few times but nothing bad as long as we followed my two rules:

#1, no backseat driving, if I want directions I’ll give you clear permission to tell me. Otherwise I’ll use GPS or just drive around contently lost.

#2, absolutely no politics.

As lame as those two rules are, it kept the peace.

I’m fortunate.

quote:

Originally posted by P220 Smudge:

Alcohol is what got my mom too. And she still drinks despite everything it’s done.

I’m no expert but I’ve been dealing with it for 30+ years. If you ever want to chat, my email address is in my profile.

How two adults can have four kids with vastly dissimilar perspectives is beyond me.
But then I am not a parent.

It is honestly an effort to be with my siblings,
Either one at a time or all together.
I thought it was me fo30 years or so,
But after talking with them.
I am only 25% of the cause for discomfort.

My mother passed away from Covid last Thanksgiving week . Our relationship had been going down since my Dad passed . I won't go into details , but her death didn't affect me hardly at all . It's a terrible thing to say , but her passing was a bit of a burden lifted . I really wish we could have had a normal relationship .

quote:

Originally posted by selogic:
My mother passed away from Covid last Thanksgiving week . Our relationship had been going down since my Dad passed . I won't go into details , but her death didn't affect me hardly at all . It's a terrible thing to say , but her passing was a bit of a burden lifted . I really wish we could have had a normal relationship .

Very similar situation here. My mother was always difficult to get along with but after my father passed, things became much worse. She became even more controlling and she took her mastery of passive-aggressive behavior to a whole new level. My wife and kids eventually refused to have contact with her and I had no objection. It was a huge relief when she finally passed.

I know the feeling. When our father died, my brother and
I celebrated. He was a huge bucket of misery-making.

quote:

Originally posted by Lord Vaalic:
My mother, shes my mom, what can you say…

Add me to this list as well, I'm sorry to say. I know life served my Mom a shit sandwich (my Dad died suddenly leaving her with 5 young kids), but she turned around and took it out on us every day.

When I grew up, I forgave her and did my best to have a civil relationship with her. But, she made it really difficult. She’d spent a lifetime cultivating her spite and bitterness and continued spewing her venom till the end.

All sounds extremely familiar. If the person, blood or not, is that bad, you have to ghost. I’ve gone through it myself. Watching the same shit over and over again, literally the definition of insanity.

Dang this is the most sad and depressing thread I have read in quite some time.

I guess like someone else said you can’t pick your family.

My two sons.
Their mother cheated on me, stole my money, left a bunch of debt on my name and eventually kicked me out of my home and kept my stuff.
Also kept the kids to keep receiving my money. ALL of it for 15 years at least. Made sure i wouldn’t get my head above the water. Killed my spirit.

Made the best effort to keep in touch with my kids but that too was abused. She would use me as a baby sitter to have the apartment just for her.
Oldest son kept his mouth shut when my sister had a stroke that almost killed her. Found out by another source two months later, when she was given just hours to live. After that, tried twice to kidnap my mother and have her hospitalized so they would be able to toss both my mother and sister’s place. We found out almost by accident and prevented it. Mother was already in the hospital but some paperwork was filled under false id.

Youngest son just won’t speak to me. He was raised without a father. He knows only one side of the story. Unfinished school, no jobs or intention to get one.
Their mother is raising them dependent and as her subjects.

I miss and love dearly the innocent kids they were. The adults they have become i fear.

Before that, took me fifty years to accept my mother was a despotic POS. Had my sister and me fighting each other since we were kids so she could rule. That finally destroyed our family.
Around 50 i decided i wouldn’t play anymore and that made me the enemy. I simply distanced myself from them. She used my oldest son as my replacement. Poisoned our lifes.

0-0

I set up a job interview in the same town my brother worked. Heading out for that interview, my brother offered me a brownie. It turned out to be a dope brownie. I didn't get the job.

Not the first or last time he showed his overly competitive, petty meanness. I cut him off a few years ago and am still saddened.

quote:

Originally posted by 1s1k:
Dang this is the most sad and depressing thread I have read in quite some time.

I guess like someone else said you can’t pick your family.

I would hazard a guess that a fair number of us posting these "sad and depressing" stories have gotten to a point where we would rather it serve as a warning not to be this way with your loved ones and to cherish the healthy relationships you have with your family than make anyone sad or depressed. If my going through this and relating it causes some to take a look at their own behavior and either reign in some selfish and abusive tendencies or be better about showing care and affection to those who need it, then it was worth it.

Speaking strictly for myself, I'm fine with being a cautionary tale. I don't want to be pitied.

quote:

Originally posted by P220 Smudge:
I would hazard a guess that a fair number of us posting these "sad and depressing" stories have gotten to a point where we would rather it serve as a warning not to be this way with your loved ones and to cherish the healthy relationships you have with your family than make anyone sad or depressed. If my going through this and relating it causes some to take a look at their own behavior and either reign in some selfish and abusive tendencies or be better about showing care and affection to those who need it, then it was worth it.

Speaking strictly for myself, I'm fine with being a cautionary tale. I don't want to be pitied.

My feelings exactly. And I'm actually okay with cutting off my brother and all his family. Doing so has made my life a much better life, with none of the Drama Queens being around me all the time as well as the con artists.

quote:

Originally posted by parabellum:
Damn, fellas

It's hard to fathom unless you've lived it. Though I wouldn't have guessed it to be as widespread as is indicated here. I've only recently gotten to the point where I can (type it) say it out loud.

quote:

Originally posted by P220 Smudge:

I would hazard a guess that a fair number of us posting these "sad and depressing" stories have gotten to a point where we would rather it serve as a warning not to be this way with your loved ones and to cherish the healthy relationships you have with your family than make anyone sad or depressed. If my going through this and relating it causes some to take a look at their own behavior and either reign in some selfish and abusive tendencies or be better about showing care and affection to those who need it, then it was worth it.

Speaking strictly for myself, I'm fine with being a cautionary tale. I don't want to be pitied.

Absolutely. When I got older, I used my experience as a model of what kind of husband and father NOT to be.

As a kid, I hated Christmas because every year my Mom spent the weeks before Christmas as a club, constantly telling us how terrible we were and that Santa wasn't going to come to our house. Fast forward several years: My kids are misbehaving and my wife starts to say "If you don't knock it off, I'm going to tell Santa ..." I pulled her into the hall and said "I don't care what they do. Don't ever say that to them."

quote:

Originally posted by P220 Smudge:

quote:

Originally posted by 1s1k:
Dang this is the most sad and depressing thread I have read in quite some time.

I guess like someone else said you can’t pick your family.

I would hazard a guess that a fair number of us posting these "sad and depressing" stories have gotten to a point where we would rather it serve as a warning not to be this way with your loved ones and to cherish the healthy relationships you have with your family than make anyone sad or depressed. If my going through this and relating it causes some to take a look at their own behavior and either reign in some selfish and abusive tendencies or be better about showing care and affection to those who need it, then it was worth it.

Speaking strictly for myself, I'm fine with being a cautionary tale. I don't want to be pitied.

I didn't mean it as pity for anyone. When I said sad and depressing I was aiming that on how prevalent it seems to be. Quite shocking actually.

The more I read here and the more people I talk to and relate similar family life issues as mine and others here helped me get to two conclusions years ago.

1) Dysfunctional families seem to be the norm, not the exception.

2) If someone is dragging you down, including family, cut the line and let them go. For me there's enough crap to deal with in my own life, I don't need somebody else adding to it.

Does the above mean not to help family/friends when they're in need? Of course not. But if you keep getting burned time and again, then a different course of action might be in order.

quote:

Originally posted by marksman41:
The more I read here and the more people I talk to and relate similar family life issues as mine and others here helped me get to two conclusions years ago.

1) Dysfunctional families seem to be the norm, not the exception.

2) If someone is dragging you down, including family, cut the line and let them go. For me there's enough crap to deal with in my own life, I don't need somebody else adding to it.

Does the above mean not to help family/friends when they're in need? Of course not. But if you keep getting burned time and again, then a different course of action might be in order.

Well said ..

Had an aunt who was super fun when I was a kid. Took me hiking, fishing, biking, movies, etc. Things changed as I got older. She spiraled into undiagnosed mental illness. It wasn't just me, it was the entire family. She destroyed relationships. She was mean and rude but claimed she was just asking questions or being curious. My mom told me I didn't have to invite her to my wedding. Her relationship with my wife deteriorated to the point that my wife wanted nothing to do with her and avoided her as much as possible. It took me years to come to grips with the fact that she was no longer the fun aunt from my youth but a rude bitter old woman. I wish I'd come to grips sooner. She died a few years ago. I was more relieved than sad.