Son is 13. Very smart. Took the ACT this weekend. In advanced classes. This kid can take 20 minutes worth of homework and drag it out into 3 hours. Every freaking night it's a massive fight. Every damn night. Taking stuff away, not having dinner, yelling.

Just fucking do it and be done.

It's not ADD... I don't believe in it. Give him something he cares about and he can recite every last detail about it. Ask him about Pokemon or Star Trek and he can tell you anything from memory. It's not an ability to focus issue, it's just lack of focus on what he doesn't want to do. Doesn't matter if it's something easy he can do in minutes or advanced algebra he needs to work at.

Frustrating as hell.

Boredom?

That was my biggest problem in school. I was waaay ahead in a number of subjects and the sheer monotonous busywork of a lot of the homework bored me to tears and so I frequently found more interesting stuff to do. I still managed good grades, but they could have been better.

The discipline to grind through boring busy work was a skill that only came later in life.

Same thing with my kid. But I also thought the teachers gave out too much homework.
What drove me nuts was the kid would start out the school year with straight As. Then his grades would decline through the year until it reached the point that he barely passed.
He did this every friggin year!
He is thirty now and tells me he wants to go back to school. That should be interesting.

Common in the early teen years IME. Keep prodding / applying some pressure. 2 hours to do 20 min of work sometimes.

Just part of it, it should pass eventually.

He's facing a potentially boring work life if he doesn't get his shit together.

You are expending way too much effort in this endeavor and are damaging the father son relationship.

Oppositional and defiant is the current term for his behavior. My advice is to get someone else to work with him. You have clearly had it with him.

Yelling is a waste of time. Set the consequences for not doing his work and apply them.

He is old enough to face the consequences. You might schedule a conference with his teachers and see what they have to say.

Good luck.

Been there. Done that.

Didn't like school. It was super boring. Realized that the class only progressed as fast as the slowest kid.

Was able to do homework in the next class and keep up while doing it. Almost never did homework at home.

quote:

Originally posted by Otto Pilot:
Boredom?

That was my biggest problem in school. I was waaay ahead in a number of subjects and the sheer monotonous busywork of a lot of the homework bored me to tears and so I frequently found more interesting stuff to do. I still managed good grades, but they could have been better.

The discipline to grind through boring busy work was a skill that only came later in life.

This. Story of my school years. Bored to hell and back from the silly monotonous crap. Pointless, let me do something more advanced without having to “prove” myself for a whole damn year.

True story. I walked into 5th grade and made a comment to myself (unfortunately my voice...*ahem*...carries), "I sure hope this year isn't boring."

The teacher apparently much more quietly responded, "Challenge accepted."

It was busy as hell, but not boring.

I found that looking at it all it was like seeing the big mountain. That made my anxiety go up.

If I just focused on one thing without thinking of the rest I was able to complete individual task.

Be empathic but firm. Say I love you allot. A hug goes a long way.

I hate to say "pay the kid to do it", but there has to be some incentive somewhere. Every now and then, set the egg timer down in front of them, set it for 30 minutes, and say, "I've got five bucks that says you can't do that assignment before the timer goes off." If they get the five bucks, the jokes on them - you got what you wanted for less than the cost of lunch at McDoogles.

School bored me silly unless it was something that interested me or I could see value in.

About homework. You teach the topic in class and work to understanding. Homework is practice to mastery. My guess is he achieved mastery in class and homework ranks down with having him practicing his ABC’s.

Talk to his teacher. Check that he knows the subject. See if the teacher can bring up some advanced work. Otherwise, there’s online classes, and classes at a local community college. Rather then fighting homework give him a challenge.

quote:

Originally posted by ZSMICHAEL:
You are expending way too much effort in this endeavor and are damaging the father son relationship.

Oppositional and defiant is the current term for his behavior. My advice is to get someone else to work with him. You have clearly had it with him.

Yelling is a waste of time. Set the consequences for not doing his work and apply them.

He is old enough to face the consequences. You might schedule a conference with his teachers and see what they have to say.

Good luck.

I had a throw down with my 14yo daughter over taking her meds just this morning. I swear if I told her to breathe she’d hold her breath until she passed out. Perfectly willing to initiate WW3 over the most trivial of things like she has to try and “win”.

Fortunately (I guess) she’s only like that at home so the experts say it’s not oppositional and defiance but that’s not exactly helpful for the home life. I guess that’s a long way to say I feel ya.

My advice is not every 'fight' needs yelling - in fact, the less you yell, the more it means when you have to raise your voice.

Sometimes kids need the velvet hammer. Punishment with consequences that stick. My son was 14 when he went through it. Was a real pissant and decided that his straight-A self was going to goof off and not do homework. So he got bad midterm grades. Like one C, lotsa Ds, and an F.

He lost everything. Computer, phone, everything - if it wasn't a school book, a fiction book, a puzzle, or a boardgame, he didn't get it. For the rest of the semester.

Biggest thing is FOLLOWTHROUGH. You set a punishment and it sticks.

After the first 3-4 days he was very apologetic and back working hard. At the end of the semester his grades improved to A/B. He got his stuff back after 8 weeks at the end of the semester with the warning "this can happen again - imagine all next year without stuff".

Never had an issue since then, other than occasional corrections. He's 19 going on 20, in college with a full ride - so I think it worked out all right.

Ah the joys of dealing with 13 year old children. My own son (also 13) does the same stuff.

I taught middle school for 10 years. I think 90% of the boys go through this. Maybe as high as 97%...

I thought I was ready for this. HA!

Welcome to the teens.
At least he IS doing it, right?
If so, relax, as an adult you have a much different perspective that he doesn't relate to. He's not a professional adult yet.

I stil got spanked at the age of 13.

I’ve got two boys, 18 and 12. I’ve been through this many times and I still don’t have a good solution. They’re made to do the homework but I completely understand that it’s extremely boring and the last thing that a kid wants to do after being at school all day. My most despised types of homework are the “projects”. Ughh, just an absolute waste of a child and parents time.

I feel your pain. I had the exact same problem with my 13 year old son (he’s 24 now). My son actually came to his mother and I and asked to make a deal with us. We’d stop the yelling and nagging about getting the homework done. He would get it done on his timeline or accept the consequences for not having it done.
Also, if your kid’s homework is taking more than 30 minutes, regardless of how much he procrastinates, you should be talking to his classroom teachers. Spending more time than that is seriously counterproductive.

Not trying to start anything, but just because you don't believe in something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Gravity, for instance.