quote:

Originally posted by Leemur:
Cut toxic people out of your life regardless the source of your association. Period.

The winner.
When you're a child, you don't really have a choice.
You do now. Use it.

quote:

Originally posted by 220-9er:

quote:

Originally posted by Leemur:
Cut toxic people out of your life regardless the source of your association. Period.

The winner.
When you're a child, you don't really have a choice.
You do now. Use it.

I did, when I graduated from High School. Two weeks later I was in the Army and I never looked back.

Sorry man. People act toxically because it makes them feel strong and in control. It’s gives them a sense of power. Sometimes, like in the case of my aunt, there are mental illness issues as well. The best move might be to cut her out of your life. You’re an adult. You and your wife are the family unit that matters. Neither of you should have to deal with that kind of shit.

quote:

Originally posted by 220-9er:

quote:

Originally posted by Leemur:
Cut toxic people out of your life regardless the source of your association. Period.

The winner.
When you're a child, you don't really have a choice.
You do now. Use it.

Yes.

Some people are so screwed up they are not really capable of feeling things like happiness and joy. They hate themselves too much. They hate watching *other* people experiencing those things even more.

So they will do anything to sabotage the happiness and joy of those closest to them, their 'loved ones', aka family, and make everything about them and their (frequently imagined) suffering. Should the pity party ever be interrupted, there will be hell to pay.

Everything is about them, nothing is their fault, it's all on you for not loving/obeying/honoring/etc them enough.

You cannot change them, you can only escape. Good luck.

quote:

Originally posted by sigfreund:
“What do people get out of sabotaging the lives of others?”

The desire for power over others is the strongest motivator there is for many people. It begins in infancy and continues until they’re in the ground. The problem for many of them, however, is that they have no source of meaningful power such as being a supervisor, teacher, or authority figure, or even by establishing their worth to others in some way that will allow them to influence others if not exert actual control over them. If someone doesn’t have that kind of power, they will often seek it in other ways, usually by exploiting something that others have given them.

Our current cultural attitudes to racism is one example. We see more and more how otherwise powerless members of our society are allowed to exert power over others by making that accusation. Another example is allegation of sexual misconduct. At one time no rational person would have given any credence to an alleged incident that occurred at a drunken event decades ago involving people barely out of childhood (if even that mature). Today, however, such accusers have been given the power to completely disrupt others’ lives by simply saying something like that happened with no independent evidence to support the allegation.

There are strong emotional and cultural forces and even religious dictates influencing us to give power to people like spouses and parents. “Honor thy father and thy mother” was an important rule for the good of the small insular groups it applied to when originally written down, but unfortunately it cuts both ways by encouraging them to exert power over us which we in turn grant them. And to address the original question, sabotaging others’ lives may be the only power they have left. They can’t contribute anything to our lives and influence us that way and they know they won’t be kicked out onto the street, so being mean and nasty and forcing us to respond to their tantrums and lies is what they (some of them, anyway) do.

Although it’s not always possible, sometimes we can stop such behavior by simply standing up to the people who try to influence and control us that way.

Wow, this is an awesome post. Ties a lot of things together for me. This one is getting archived on my disk drive.

I think that everyone can be put into one of two types of people. Those who take joy and pride in other's accomplishments and successes, and those who have to drag others down in order to feel better about themselves.

Look at the people around you. Who is a “good for them” type and who is a “yea but did you know” type.

To truely honor your parents become a better impact to the lives of those around you then they were. Nothing says you have to have them in your life to do that.

quote:

Originally posted by SpinZone:

To truely honor your parents become a better impact to the lives of those around you then they were. Nothing says you have to have them in your life to do that.

Great point. The only "positive" I took from my Mom was a determination not to treat people the way she does.

Whoa, I din't know your mother was living with you and trying to interfere in your marriage.
I once had to tell her to never call my house and upset my wife ever again.
My mother in law is a toxic bitch. And had been trying to get my wife to leave me and come take care of her for years.
Especially after the death of her father.
I didn't want to interfere with her relationship with her mother but it had driven her to the point of misery. She didn't even tell her that her dad had passed or even had a funeral.
I finally told her do NOT answer the phone.
Don't talk to her unless you want to hear her crap.
So now they haven't spoken in over 2 years and she's happier for it.
Even her own aunt(mother's sister) doesn't speak to her. And she's visiting with us this month.

Sometimes drastic measures are in order to preserve your sanity.

My childhood best friend's mother has never liked his wife. He's never understood why. One day I said to him.. "It's because she took away her baby." I think at least that's how his mother see's it and she resents her for it.

I'm sure there's a touch of that in more than a few similar situations.

quote:

Originally posted by Leemur:
Cut toxic people out of your life regardless the source of your association. Period.

And your life will be much better for having done it.

There are many reasons. It is learned behavior. Pleasure in the suffering of others. Schadenfreude is rather common today. We even make movies about these sorts of things.

quote:

Originally posted by ScreamingCockatoo:
Whoa, I din't know your mother was living with you and trying to interfere in your marriage.
I once had to tell her to never call my house and upset my wife ever again.
My mother in law is a toxic bitch. And had been trying to get my wife to leave me and come take care of her for years.
Especially after the death of her father.
I didn't want to interfere with her relationship with her mother but it had driven her to the point of misery. She didn't even tell her that her dad had passed or even had a funeral.
I finally told her do NOT answer the phone.
Don't talk to her unless you want to hear her crap.
So now they haven't spoken in over 2 years and she's happier for it.
Even her own aunt(mother's sister) doesn't speak to her. And she's visiting with us this month.

Sometimes drastic measures are in order to preserve your sanity.

Sorry about that my friend,I knew it was toxic several years ago.Saw it first hand in my drive way

Sorry you're going through all of this.

quote:

I know I'm to honor my father and mother but I'm struggling with that.

When I lived in SoCal, I went to church with a Christian Marriage & Family Therapist, author and speaker named Jan Frank. She spoke at my Sunday school class several times and I was impressed with what she had to say. One of the books she wrote is titled, Honoring Dishonorable Parents. It helped my friend who had a real piece of work for a mother.

Some of the topics the book covers:

How do I honor my parents when they’ve acted so dishonorably toward me?

Does God expect me to pretend that the things that went on in our home never happened?

Does honoring parents involve subjecting my children to some of the very hurtful and sinful actions I experienced as a child?

---

Ego is the anesthesia that deadens the pain of stupidity

DISCLAIMER: These are the author's own personal views and do not represent the views of the author's employer.

I've got a clueless sister and her worthless, conniving husband that I gave up on years ago.

It made our lives so much better.

Yeah, if my mom was like that, I'd be ejecting her from our relationship - forever.

quote:

Originally posted by YooperSigs:
... I once got a refund on a family members funeral.
Great story there!

ok, now you have to tell it.

quote:

Originally posted by ScreamingCockatoo:
Whoa, I din't know your mother was living with you and trying to interfere in your marriage.
I once had to tell her to never call my house and upset my wife ever again.
My mother in law is a toxic bitch. And had been trying to get my wife to leave me and come take care of her for years.
Especially after the death of her father.
I didn't want to interfere with her relationship with her mother but it had driven her to the point of misery. She didn't even tell her that her dad had passed or even had a funeral.
I finally told her do NOT answer the phone.
Don't talk to her unless you want to hear her crap.
So now they haven't spoken in over 2 years and she's happier for it.
Even her own aunt(mother's sister) doesn't speak to her. And she's visiting with us this month.

Sometimes drastic measures are in order to preserve your sanity.

Yeah, my mother lived with me for something like 13 years and then about 1 year after I got married. Total shitshow. I offered her the house and we'd move if she wanted to buy it from me or we could find her a place to live. She cried, went to the local woman's shelter claiming she was being abused and we just ended up picking a place and moving her stuff into it.

The house became peaceful.

She's jealous of your wife, your wife replaced her and she can't deal with that.

I agree with the cutting of toxic people out of your life, no matter if it's a parent or not.

Ok... Funeral Refund Story:
My brother, a convicted felon, was still living with my parents when my Mom died unexpectedly. At this time my brother was in his late 30s and never had a real job. Former burglar, heavy equipment thief (specializing in D9 Caterpillars) and active Pot dealer. My parents over the years had bailed him out of countless jams, including an at fault fatality traffic accident and a teenage pregnancy which resulted in a daughter my Brother ignored. Watching this go on while I worked like a dog was irritating to me, but I went out of my way to not make it a family issue. After my Moms death, my Father and Brother came to me and told me there was no money to bury my Mother. Evidently supporting my brother through his many adventures left my parents nearly broke. At the time I was married and living in a trailer and scraping together every dime I could spare for a down payment for a house. My wife at the time agreed to use our savings to bury my mother. I then set up a fairly simple burial and internment that still drained my savings. The day after I made the arrangements, my Father and Brother told me they did not "approve" of the ceremony I had set up and wanted me to fund a more elaborate send off, to the tune of several thousand dollars.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, was the last fucking family straw for me.
I drove to the funeral home and demanded they refund my money and to make my Father responsible for the burial. They did so. My wife convinced me to go to the visitation, even though I was livid. And who attended the visitation? A handful of my Brothers Pot customers!
I broke contact with my family at that time and never looked back. No one bothered to inform of either my Fathers death or of my Brothers. I learned of their passing through.... Facebook! Which I dont use but my friends do.
To those of you with loving and supportive families, my respects and best wishes!
And the saga continued: About a year later, I came on duty and had a voice mail from the manager of our sleaziest bar, instructing me to "get my ass in there and take care of the bad checks you wrote me"! I skipped roll call, went to this fine establishment, grabbed the manager and hoisted him across the bar until my face was about 6 inches from his. Then I asked him if I had ever been seen occupying a
bar stool in his shit hole, much less using a check to pay my way. With my kind assistance, he came to understand he was mistaken. Turns out my Brother had stolen my Fathers checkbook and forged my fathers name to pay his bar tab. My father and I shared the the same name, but I was junior and he was senior. Hence the identity mistake. Of course, the scumbags in the bar who witnessed this complained loud and long to my Chief about my discussion with the barkeep. When told my side of it, my Chief said he would have acted in a similar fashion! Thanks, Chief.
Yep, the fun in dysfunctional!

CoolRich59,
Your comment made me thing of a quote from Khalil Gibran...
I have learned silence from the talkative,
Toleration from the intolerant,
And kindness from the unkind; yet, strange,
I am ungrateful to those teachers.

These types of people will never gain any basic wisdom or understanding past themselves.
Gibran also wrote...
In the sweetness of friendship
let there be laughter and
sharing of pleasures.
for in the dew of little things the
heart finds it's morning and is
refreshed.

..............

I might add that I constantly hear assholes using that "honor thy father and mother" qoute to justify their assery.
If I am not mistaken, along with that passage it states something like "fathers, bring not thy sons to rath".
In other words DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.
Strange how nobody remembers that.