Good bless my wife. We've now been married for 6 years and I've never had a happier 6 years in my life. Everything is better with her.

I had no idea of some of the stuff my mother put her through. I do know everything she's put me through but her trying to sabotage my relationship with my wife has me more than a little upset.

The wife and I talk on the phone every day while she's driving to work and also on her lunch. I even schedule my jobs to coordinate a break to match her lunch. She's been holding things in and I don't want her to do that. The phone time is when most of these things surface. Probably because we talk all the time and sometimes everything else had been said. So recently she's been letting me know the things my mother had told her while we graciously let her live at my house.

My mother lived with me for 13 years. I wasn't married for around 10 of those years so I didn't care. She refused to do stairs so I had the entire upper floor for privacy and I had a babysitter (she did try to charge me for babysitting services at one time but that's another rant).

While I was at work and the wife was home she would make claims to apparently make my wife think less of me. She claimed that she paid for my house. She did pay for "improvements" that made her life easier (taller toilet, shower replacement, bathroom tile and such things, basically everything about the house that's been a bane to me) but I showed the wife my books and cancelled checks of all the mortgage payments and utilities. I kept everything and, while the wife didn't need proof, I was able to show her my side of the story.

One thing the wife had never told me until today is that my mother told her, before we were married, that my son most likely isn't my biological child. I suppose that was to expose me as a total fool to my wife. This bothered me the most and quite frankly I'm to the point of cutting her out of my life. I know I'm to honor my father and mother but I'm struggling with that. It would be a lot easier if she was worthy of some sort of honor. My dad and I weren't huge fans of each other while but we worked things out and I honored and served him later in life up until his death. We became true family and even friends. Of course, my mother bad-mouths him and tells outlandish stories that can't possible have happened. I know to not listen after the stories she has told about me. There's tons more to say but I'm going to hold off for another rant some other time.

What does anyone get out of trying to take the one thing away that I've always wanted and allowed me to be happier than ever before?

I'm so glad my wife stuck with me through all that.

I'd "respect" her by keeping her out of my life so I don't blow up and tell her exactly what I think about the shit she's been saying.

Very sorry for that happening to you.
That said I can relate to this with stab wounds to my heart from my own mother ,the family of my first wife and the aunt of my second wife we brought in the home to care for.
That last was 25 years back and damn if it dosent still hurt and your thread brought it back to front and center
Family members can really cut you deep mentally.

quote:

Originally posted by 45 Cal:
Very sorry for that happening to you.
That said I can relate to this with stab wounds to my heart from my own mother ,the family of my first wife and the aunt of my second wife we brought in the home to care for.
That last was 25 years back and damn if it dosent still hurt and your thread brought it back to front and center
Family members can really cut you deep mentally.

Sorry, friend. If it'll help feel free to rant here. It's helping me to let it out.

quote:

Originally posted by SBrooks:
I'd "respect" her by keeping her out of my life so I don't blow up and tell her exactly what I think about the shit she's been saying.

I've already had to cut my youngest brother out of my life. So I'm practiced and able. My mother knows this and still proceeds to tell me all about him every time I'm forced to see her.

One thing that's made this easier for me is my step mom treats my extremely well. She looks for ways to make our lives easier and truly loves my wife.

The joke is on them,I outlive them all,my mother was so cruel and dying called me to come for goodby ,I told her no,I would come to her grave side
for that.I could not even shed a tear.
The aunt in law was even worse,as second wife languished in hospital for a month in a death coma she stole all my dear wife's possessions from our home That Hummel collection was big bucks

I've had to stop contact with my mother. I've contacted her every 15 years or (over 40 years) so to see if there had been any improvement. I few out to see her last fall with my brother. We made it three days before we had to leave. She was as filled with hate and vitriol as ever. I will not try again as my health cannot take the stress.

“What do people get out of sabotaging the lives of others?”

The desire for power over others is the strongest motivator there is for many people. It begins in infancy and continues until they’re in the ground. The problem for many of them, however, is that they have no source of meaningful power such as being a supervisor, teacher, or authority figure, or even by establishing their worth to others in some way that will allow them to influence others if not exert actual control over them. If someone doesn’t have that kind of power, they will often seek it in other ways, usually by exploiting something that others have given them.

Our current cultural attitudes to racism is one example. We see more and more how otherwise powerless members of our society are allowed to exert power over others by making that accusation. Another example is allegation of sexual misconduct. At one time no rational person would have given any credence to an alleged incident that occurred at a drunken event decades ago involving people barely out of childhood (if even that mature). Today, however, such accusers have been given the power to completely disrupt others’ lives by simply saying something like that happened with no independent evidence to support the allegation.

There are strong emotional and cultural forces and even religious dictates influencing us to give power to people like spouses and parents. “Honor thy father and thy mother” was an important rule for the good of the small insular groups it applied to when originally written down, but unfortunately it cuts both ways by encouraging them to exert power over us which we in turn grant them. And to address the original question, sabotaging others’ lives may be the only power they have left. They can’t contribute anything to our lives and influence us that way and they know they won’t be kicked out onto the street, so being mean and nasty and forcing us to respond to their tantrums and lies is what they (some of them, anyway) do.

Although it’s not always possible, sometimes we can stop such behavior by simply standing up to the people who try to influence and control us that way.

I think sigfreund expressed it well, better than I would’ve been able to. And we’ll never understand it. I’m reminded of the times my mom would wonder about a serial killer, for example and I would tell her she would never “understand” because she was trying to apply rationale to a completely irrational situation.

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. ~ Genesis 2:24

and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? ~ Matthew 19:5

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ~ Ephesians 5:31

Cut toxic people out of your life regardless the source of your association. Period.

Had an aunt like that. All she would do was shit on my mom, dad and me, bad mouth my dad to my sister (put a wedge between them for years) and was just all around nasty. All the while being taken care of by our family

Mind you, my wife and I flew her down for family events, kept her in our lives, visited her, took her out (I did this to honor my mom) and she was still nasty.

Worst was, after my mom's funeral, at my house that afternoon, she told everyone that my mom never liked my wife, that she was going to show my dad "how to enjoy life" and told me a fucking horrible story about my mom, when she was young, that took years to disprove.

I believe that people like that are just miserable with their own lives, and so that shit on others to make up for their unhappiness.

We are talking about the "cookie ladies". They are every where, in the families and the neighborhood. Sometimes, there are more then one and they try to out do each other.

It is best to ignore them and maybe sometimes when it looks like they are having a bad day, wave and smile.....which is like rubbing salt into their wounds.

I am well experienced in their ways and the best advice is to outlive them.

Sounds like your mom and mine could have been sisters.

quote:

Originally posted by Ryanp225:
Sounds like your mom and mine could have been sisters.

Want to try for triplets?

I married a German girl and brought her to the states. Been married for more than 60 years.

My mom was not happy about our marriage!

Talked about all those "hookers" in Germany, etc, etc. Fortunately (I guess) my career kept us on the east coast region which is pretty much as far as we could get from N. Idaho.

When we went to Idaho, it was so I could go elk hunting and we spent most of the time out in the woods.

Mom pulled the same shit with my brother's wife, too. Don't know how she put up with all mom's shit for so many years. Mom finally asked her why she was so nice. SIL's answer was, "Because are my husband's mother!"

Crabs in a bucket.

Your mother is a saint compared to mine. I rid myself of mine completely. She used to blackmail me as a kid, at ten years old, out of my work money. I started working at 10, and she knew when I got paid so she'd blackmail me out of 50% of it a week. Her conniving bitch ways continued all my life, with her preying on anywhere around her for money, talking shit about the same people that would give her money. At 40 I had enough when she tried to pull some shit with my great Uncle's preacher, trying to con a "loan" out of the man. I had cut her off fund wise 20 years earlier but when I learned she tried to con a man of the cloth I cut ties altogether. And my father is much worse. Some times it's just time to cut people the fuck loose, even if it's your parent. I honor my parents by not having them in my life. I feel for you. If my mother was trying to ruin any part of my marriage, she'd be gone. Vaya con dios. Some people will ruin your life if you let them.

quote:

Originally posted by mark123:
... quite frankly I'm to the point of cutting her out of my life. I know I'm to honor my father and mother but I'm struggling with that. It would be a lot easier if she was worthy of some sort of honor.

Very sorry to hear this. While I don't have any answers, this point prompted me to respond.

As a Christian, I agree we are supposed honor our parents. I tried to honor her despite having a horrible childhood in her house. I tried to honor her despite despite the fact that she treated my wife like garbage (even though my wife is very forgiving and always treated her well). I tried to honor her despite despite the fact that she barely acknowledged her grandchildren's existence, unless she could tell them stories (sometimes fabrications) to make me look foolish in their eyes.

The last straw came a couple of years ago. She's in her 80s and has been in poor health for years. But, I got a call that she'd suddenly "taken a turn for the worse" and wasn't expected to last long. So, I caught the first available flight (which only had first class seats available and so cost $$$$) to go see her. I got there and, lo and behold, it was just another play for attention.

Instead of being glad to see me, or even being civil, she immediately commenced with her usual negative comments and putdowns. I left and haven't seen or talked to her since. It was hard to do, but I needed to do it for my own mental health.

Your desire to honor your parents is laudable. That said, the mere fact that you share some DNA with someone, is not cause to allow them to abuse you. Or those close to you.
And like others have posted, my family also put the fun in dysfunctional.
I once got a refund on a family members funeral.
Great story there!

before we could have an estate sale ( after my mom died)
a niece came in with a penske truck and filled it up ,

the proceeds from the estate sale were to go to mom's three kids,

but instead ,
the niece is living in a very nice home now, that she purchased from selling all of moms stuff