quote:

Originally posted by sourdough44:

As a kid you can’t help or control your schedule well, or who you spend time with. When an adult, it’s your choice, family or not.

Very true. Someday when mom passes I will be quite happy to wash myself of her & her husband.

Pretty good advice, either arrange a parlay with your sister at a neutral site without her husband, it's not his place to be dictating anything with your two's mothers care.

Listen, write it down, then figure out if there is something you could be doing that would take some stress off her.

Or maybe it turns out she's just bitching and there's an internal struggle with the husband over the balance of work between her and you pushing it.

Regardless, as Charlie Kirk said, when we stop talking is when things get out of balance.

Doesn't mean you have to agree to anything, doesn't hurt to listen. You can always tell them to piss off later when the whole thing is finalized down the road.

quote:

Originally posted by HRK:
Pretty good advice, either arrange a parlay with your sister at a neutral site without her husband, it's not his place to be dictating anything with your two's mothers care.

Listen, write it down, then figure out if there is something you could be doing that would take some stress off her.

Or maybe it turns out she's just bitching and there's an internal struggle with the husband over the balance of work between her and you pushing it.

Regardless, as Charlie Kirk said, when we stop talking is when things get out of balance.

Doesn't mean you have to agree to anything, doesn't hurt to listen. You can always tell them to piss off later when the whole thing is finalized down the road.

Thank you sir

quote:

Originally posted by dry-fly:

Someday when mom passes I will be quite happy to wash myself of her & her husband.

Ive done just this. It's been very rewarding.

I was taking care of my mother full time and had two nurse sisters giving me constant advice (criticism) until Mom finally passed.

I'm rid of those two. So is Mom.

God bless the hospice nurses who continued to come in and help and re-enforce that I was doing an excellent job in my mother's care.

I haven't had to spend one fuck since she passed last year in regards to her narcissistic daughters who were too busy to even accommodate an immediate funeral. They had a vacation scheduled.

quote:

My mom’s estate is quite large

It sounds like the stress of the situation is wearing on both of you. Perhaps more her due to the proximity and demands.

One way to alleviate that might be to find outside resources that both of you can trust to help relieve some of the burden/time from her?

quote:

Originally posted by Georgeair:

quote:

My mom’s estate is quite large

It sounds like the stress of the situation is wearing on both of you. Perhaps more her due to the proximity and demands.

One way to alleviate that might be to find outside resources that both of you can trust to help relieve some of the burden/time from her?

Using the assets for her care, easing the stress on your sister seems a very reasonable idea to consider.

Another aspect may be thinking about the eventual end-game, with both of you having POA over large assets. Do you both have access to the will? Do you both get copied on all financial statements? Does it take both of you to agree/sign to make any expenditures from her accounts or can either one spend your mom's money on their own?

Its hard to say without knowing what the fuck she is actually doing and what her stress is coming from.

Similaiar situation with my father and uncle. Uncle lived a block away and father was 250 miles away. Uncle complained. Father couldnt be there. When my grandmother passes we found out she was "paying" him to take care of her. So he drained her bank accounts.

I would ask her to move in with me. but thats me.

If really dislike them give exlax in hot chocolate. Then tell what you did and be prepared for the shit storm.

quote:

Originally posted by Marlin Fan:
If really dislike them give exlax in hot chocolate. Then tell what you did and be prepared for the shit storm.

Lol

For those that haven’t followed from the OP, mom has a full time caregiver that lives with her…24/7.
My sister and I both have copies of the will, etc. We are both down for POA and handle the estate equally. Sister pays bills for mom, she handles bills because she is next door and they share a mailbox. Being an hour away and not seeing mom daily, I’m not in a position to handle her mail & bills. Mom hangs around with my sister and her husband in the evenings and has dinner with them. I see mom on the weekends. Sometimes mom comes up with us and spends a night or two but more often that not she wakes up confused and does not know where she is, starts crying, etc.

Hard to advise without understanding why she’s upset. If your mom has a 24/7 caregiver, your sis should take a break, go on vacation, and relax.

It sounds as though you’re doing what you can. I’d definitely defer to the sister on day to day decisions since she is right there, but I’m clueless as to why she’d be upset. From what you say, you’re there as often as you can be, so what’s the attitude from the BIL about?

ETA: could you have mom’s mail forwarded to you? That way you could handle the bills and take some weight off of your sister’s shoulder. See how she responds to you taking over the financials. That might be an eye opener.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: irreverent,

My mom didn't have much of an estate, but my sister ended up with most of it and the land I got (which I already live on) ended up being put in mine AND my sister's names.
She refused to let my brother have his gun safe that was in mom's basement, saying he'd had plenty of chance to get it and it was hers now.
I've blocked her and her entire family on all social media, phones, etc. The only thing I have to do with her now will be splitting the land and once that's done my hands will be washed clean.
Good riddance of her and her whole damn family.

quote:

Originally posted by dry-fly:
Mom hangs around with my sister and her husband in the evenings and has dinner with them. I see mom on the weekends. Sometimes mom comes up with us and spends a night or two but more often that not she wakes up confused and does not know where she is, starts crying, etc.

With only what you've posted, I think this is the crux of the issue for your sister. And that is on your sister. To be fair to her, she is feeling obligation to do these things. She isn't the caregiver, but she takes on some of that role. She feels stressed, and it appears she maps it over onto you as the cause.

As you know, it is a difficult time when hosting a relative with issues. And managing someone's finances is a chore.

But this is almost entirely a voluntary choice by your sister. She seems to feel it a duty rather than a choice. She could choose not to do so much, and then she would be doing a similar amount as you. I would have been happy had my mother and other sister been anywhere near as involved with my late sister's care as you are with your mom!

With the amount of frustration or resentment your sister has towards you, I suggest watching your mom's finances in case your sister starts feeling entitled to some compensation.

^^ noted

This may not be a direct comparison but a similar situation happened to one of my BIL’s.

After his Dad passed away his Mom started going downhill and his younger brother, who lived next door started complaining to him about the amount of time it took to care for their Mom. She was diagnosed with Dimensia and everyone knew the path forward was going to be a tough one. So my BIL, who had POA made the decision to place their Mom in a nursing home that specialized in Dimensia care. She stayed in that facility for 15 years and just passed two weeks ago.

While it was a tough decision for him and the rest of the siblings, the fact of the matter was that she received great care and her kids were not burdened by the day to day challenges of taking care of someone who, even on her best day, didn’t recognize them sometimes.

quote:

Originally posted by Fly-Sig:

quote:

Originally posted by dry-fly:
Mom hangs around with my sister and her husband in the evenings and has dinner with them. I see mom on the weekends. Sometimes mom comes up with us and spends a night or two but more often that not she wakes up confused and does not know where she is, starts crying, etc.

With only what you've posted, I think this is the crux of the issue for your sister. And that is on your sister. To be fair to her, she is feeling obligation to do these things. She isn't the caregiver, but she takes on some of that role. She feels stressed, and it appears she maps it over onto you as the cause.

As you know, it is a difficult time when hosting a relative with issues. And managing someone's finances is a chore.

But this is almost entirely a voluntary choice by your sister. She seems to feel it a duty rather than a choice. She could choose not to do so much, and then she would be doing a similar amount as you. I would have been happy had my mother and other sister been anywhere near as involved with my late sister's care as you are with your mom!

Thought the same as shes dining with her nightly, add in the mental deterioration ie you saying she doesn't know where she is at your home and gets upset.

As has been said, just go find out what is bothering her, and remember Charlie Sheens patented response to every complaint a woman says, "I understand" the point being, don't argue her points with a I do this too items. Could be just the nightly stress on her marriage....

Thanks again guys