I need help with this situation….my mom is 86, has dementia..she knows who people are, etc. but her short term memory is terrible. Dad passed a few years ago and mom has a live in caretaker. She also lives *next* door to my sister and her husband. They’re both retired, kids are outta the house. They are an hour and a half from me, round trip…. Not exactly next door.

I get *constant* shit from my sister complaining that I don't do enough for mom. We butt heads constantly. Her idiot husband decided to throw his two cents in last night, telling me to “be a man”. This is 99% by text by the way. He smarted off at me about a year or so ago over something stupid and I made it clear I did not want to speak to him again back then. I blocked his number last night.

I talk to mom every day and see her weekly. We both work and have a teenage daughter. I had a third spinal fusion about a month ago and haven’t exactly been up for long car rides so we’ve missed a weekend or two lately. My mom’s estate is quite large and my sister and I have power of attorney over everything since her dementia has gotten bad. I mention that because interaction with them, or at least my sister is inevitable. They make so so freaking furious, I just….man. I have no words. I was shaking I was so pissed when he texted me yesterday.

Any advice?

Always a very tough situation taking care of your loved ones with dementia. Yeah, you dearly love them, but it would be a lie to say it’s a joy to be in that situation. I don’t know the fine particulars of your and your sister’s situations, so all I’ll say is, there will be no good solution for your case, until both sides agree to sit down, talk (not scream) and work out a plan acceptable to all. Constantly going at each other’s throat will never solve anything.

Very true ^^. I’ve done my best to avoid conflict and have bit my tongue until recently. There are some “ways” that I will Not be spoken to. Did that make sense??

What, specifically, does your sister want you to do? What does she & your BIL think you aren't doing that compromises your manhood in his eyes?

Until one is on the hook day and night for a mentally challenged relative, they don't know the stress. It is possible that your sister is feeling worn out or overwhelmed with feeling responsible, and it comes out to you as complaints and confrontation. I was the responsible adult for my late sister for her final 5 years, and it does get to be relentlessly demanding even when she was in an assisted living.

Which is not to say you are not doing your part. You have your own family and responsibilities, and you are involved daily with calling your mom.

For me, the one thing that put me over the edge was when my mother or other sister, who neither were involved more than one or two zoom calls each year which I organized when my disabled sister was at my house, had strong opinions on what I should be doing differently or more of. I would suggest that you don't offer advice or opinions to your sister about what she does. There are a lot of different ways to manage your mom, so unless you believe there is an immediate safety issue involved, I would advise you to let your sister do things her way.

Inevitably there are differences in philosophies about medical intervention for serious potentially life shortening illnesses or conditions. If one of you is pushing for every life-extending test/treatment while the other is more letting nature take its course, that may also be causing your sister distress which comes out maybe looking like anger about something else.

Your sister's husband may be doing his husbandly duty of defending his wife. It could be that him contacting you is a signal of your sister's increased stress about your mom.

1) With a full time caretaker for your mom, your sister shouldn't have a lot of immediate responsibilities. What she does for your mom should be primarily voluntary. There shouldn't be much or anything that she should feel you are unfairly forcing her to do.

2) Have you tried sitting down just you and your sister to discuss the big picture of your mom's care plan? I would not have her husband there. If you can both agree on what tasks the family needs to take on vs what the caretaker does, and how to split those, maybe she will calm down.

I totally realize it’s stressful for her taking care of mom the most..but I’m not going to respond with gratitude when I’m bitched at. I ask my wife all the time, what did she think was going to happen when mom got “old”?? She’s right next door?! My dad bought 9 acres in the country back in the early 2000’s and sold half of it under market value to them. They then proceeded to build both of their forever homes on it. My mom and I are closer than she is with my sister and Ive always done anything I could to help her but the simple fact of the matter is we are 50 miles away, they’re next door.

Your sister's complaint is that you don't do enough for your mom.

Do you know what things she'd like you to do? Don't list what you already do; did you ask your sister what she would like you to do for your mom? And, once she starts telling you the things she thinks you ought to do, don't bring up the things you're already doing. Wait for her to finish. Write them down. When she's done tell you, then ask to confirm whether she's done.

When she's done and you've written all those items down, don't respond immediately. Tell her that you've written down the things that she said and you'll take the day to think about those things so you can give her an honest respectful response.

Then, look over the list. If some of the things match what you're already doing, note that. For the things you're not doing, then for each item, consider whether you are willing and able to do that. Note that as well. For the things you're not willing or able to do, then note the reason why not and the reason can't be "because I do all these other things for mom." Because if you weren't doing all those other things, would you then be willing to do the thing your sister listed? I'm betting not; so that can't be the reason. If you say you would be willing and able, then you can negotiate that you would have to stop doing "Y" for you to start doing "Z" for your mom.

You have to assure your sister that you are not her enemy and you don't see her as your enemy. The problems with your mom is not something between you two that you have to fight over, the problem with your mom is before you both and you have to work out the solution.

That's my advice.

Your sister is right there, so it is part of her "every day" every day.

From her POV, you are "removed", and not "burdened everyday", as she is.

You are hard pressed to get her to see it any other way.

That's the crux, and you may or may not be able to mitigate her POV by speaking with her about it.

My condolences for all three parties having additional stress and anguish during such a terrible place your mother is in.


Rey is spot on.

Much appreciated guys. I will heed y’all’s advice

Like many aspects of life,
The state of "jerk" is a perspective
issue.


One of my siblings has daughter that has made
the decision to not allow us to
have contact with her mom.

Her mom ( our sibling) taught her how to
be a jerk , of the highest order.


Another sibling has not contacted me
in three years , making me wonder if I am
a jerk.

I believe your sister is confounding what she wants with how she wants it.

What she wants is relief.

How she seeks what she wants is to demand you participate daily.

If you can with at least some calming energy ask “sister, tell me what you want here.”

She replies “i want you to take care of mom.”

Ask again “that sounds like a solution to what you really want. What are you trying to achieve.”

With enough dialogue she may say “i need days away from mom. This caregiving is killing me.”

Then say “let’s get you what you truly want and need. We can hire a personal caregiver every week on Friday, and i will be there on Saturday. That will give you two days away. Sunday we will ask the church friends to stop by.”

Seek to identify the assumptions and the true need before creating a solution.

I like Rey HRH's approach of asking your sister what she would like from you.

Which leads me to wondering what your sister views as her unfair burden? Your mom has a full time caregiver, and she has enough wealth to remain in her home. Her comfort and safety are provided for. Really this is about as nice a situation as most of us would wish for ourselves or our loved ones when the inevitable happens. Enough wealth to be cared for at home without burdening our family.

Were your mom in a memory care facility it would be comparable in terms of her safety and her needs. There would be little for family to do aside from managing her finances and monitoring her care. You would call and visit periodically, according to your personal choice.

So, back to your sister's complaints, what does she feel you are shirking on which burdens her?

A cynical question is whether your sister is looking at the money and wants to cut some expenses by having family take on some tasks? If so, that's on your sister. I've seen that in my family where there is a difference in attitudes about how much to spend on care.

Finally, we each can only do what we can. And that is ok.

Perhaps use proceeds from the estate to get assistance with your mother's needs and respite for your sister, if the caretaker is not covering the things your sister is managing.

(unless it is not about that)

Sister is truly a control freak, always has been with all aspects of life. Mom’s estate is *plemty* large, there will be a good inheritance for everyone if that matters here.

The caretaker lives with mom, 24/7. I agree that sitting down with her/sister (her only) to discuss things is the only way forward. Honestly I am just too angry with her to do that at the moment after the latest correspondence. I’ve merely given y’all a taste of her behavior here so far to paint a realistic picture. The rest of the family (mom’s sister, my aunt) clearly sees what’s going on as well. I love mom dearly and continue to do what I can for, sister will not change that.

I deal with jerk family members pretty much the same way I deal with jerks in general.

I don’t.

Do what’s right by your Mother. It’s a messed up situation, and I’m sorry that you’re in the middle of it.

No need to complicate things even more than they already are.

Back to the “I don’t”:
My life is too short, and way too fucked up on its own. I see no reason to add to it. I’m trying to keep the water on my pond as calm as possible.

As far as the “brother in law” situation-
There would be a pretty quick and blunt conversation between him and I, and he probably wouldn’t like it afterwards.

I have not read all the response to the original post. But I will chime in as I am and have for some time been dealing with a elderly pair of parents. Not dementia, but a lot of other issues. More in your sisters roll.

If you and your sister are solidly equally as far as the estate is concerned if I were you I would take a step back. Cut the communication with your sister significantly. Don't respond to texts. Take a couple calls a week. Make your regular trips.
Your sister is not dealing with the situation very well and that is on her as she has resources available but chooses to bitch and whine at you rather than seek them out. Under the current situation you are going to be the bad guy. And the only thing that will fix that is her changing her ways.

My doc told me that as difficult as these situations are they will solve themselves. If you let them they will cause you lots of problems.
I would be happy to discuss with you. My email is in my profile. We can set up a time to have a phone call if you wish. Best wishes.

Thanks again gentlemen, I appreciate the insight. ORC, thank you for the offer. I may reach out soon

quote:

Originally posted by dry-fly:
Honestly I am just too angry with her to do that at the moment after the latest correspondence. .

You being angry with her is not her fault; that's your responsibility. Your emotions or your reaction in response to external stimuli is your responsibility because you're the one who is responsible for your emotions or your reaction.

I don't know if you're the younger brother but I'm guessing your reactions now are just a projection of how you and your sister were when you were little kids. I don't know how to fix that but you should consider if that is a factor in your relationship with her.

She’s actually 7 years older, we never had a serious issue relationship wise until dad passed around the time covid was ramped up.

I have a sister who’s been blocked for nearly 2 years, unlikely to call me anyway. I helped her when she was involved in a 10+ year divorce fight, still going at it. That is I helped her move things several States away, several times. I also helped with an apartment, thankless.

She’s been working through other siblings, mostly only one left.

As a kid you can’t help or control your schedule well, or who you spend time with. When an adult, it’s your choice, family or not.