|Why don’t you fix your little |
problem and light this candle
In the 90's when I was in grad school, these would go around the usenet. As I was studying history, it was a fun read. Some of the Techs at North Texas could easily have been in the running for BOFH. In Tom Wolfe's The Right Stuff, he talks about how all pilots today all try to sound like Chuck Yeager (iirc). I wonder if most IT professionals in some way want to be like the BOFH Anyway, enjoy
Link to the wikipedia article.
Link to BOFH 1
The Bastard Operator From Hell
Bastard Operator From Hell #1
It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH, however, does have it's advantages. I reassign null to be the tape device - it's so much more economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes every 5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad can it? Of course not.
A user rings
"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask
"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's excuse ".. clock speed"
"Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied) "Do you know when it will be fixed?"
"Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them is you. Don't be so selfish - logout now and give someone else a chance!"
"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page of Laser Print.."
"SURE YOU DO. Well, you just keep telling yourself that buddy!" I hang up.
You'd really think people would learn not to call..
The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me. I put on a gruff voice
"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"
"YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone calls cost money? DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract your wasted time, my wasted time, and the cost of this call from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By the time I've finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME - AND DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!!"
I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's obviously going to try and get an alibi by being at the Dean's office. I look up his username and find his department. I ring the Dean's secretary.
"Hello?" she answers
"Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H. HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?"
"I think so..." she says
"TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'"
"AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO THE PURITY TEST IN IT..."
I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...
"DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD PERVY AND PASS THE MESSAGE ON.."
She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I was just guessing about the purity test thing. I grab a quick copy anyway, it might make for some good late-night reading.
Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern technology is wonderful, isn't it?
Another user rings.
"I need more space" he says
"Well, why not move to Texas?" I ask
"No, on my account, stupid."
"I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that of Jimmy Stewart in a Weekend Family Matine Feature "I didn't quite catch that. What was it that you said?"
I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too late, he's a goner and he knows it.
"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*"
"Sure, hang on"
I hear him gasp his relief even though he'd covered the mouthpeice.
"There, you've got *plenty* of space now!"
"How much have I got?" he simps
Now this *REALLY* *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want me to give them extra space, they want to check it, then correct me if I don't give them enough! They should be happy with what I give them *and that's it*!
Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.
"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"
"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says, pleased with his bargaining power
"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red at room temperature, with steak, extra rare, to follow; "4 Meg in total.."
"Huh? I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?"
I say nothing. It'll come to him.
I kill me; I really do!
This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we'll be lucky to live through it. -Rear Admiral (Lower Half) Joshua Painter Played by Senator Fred Thompson
I'm being repressed!
Used to read them when the Support calls were slow. Good times.
I used to read this all the time when I worked at HP. Hilarious stuff. This one was my favorite:
"... what's the plan in case of a large fire?"
"Well first and foremost, if we're in the building at the time, whichever of us is closest goes into the computer room and disables the Halon lockout."
"And the other person?"
"They run to the Beancounters area and instruct them all to stay away from windows, and place themselves in the safe areas under tables, in doorways or in cupboards."
"Uh, isn't that the procedure for an Earthquake?"
"Not for Beancounters, no. The Beancounter earthquake procedure is..." I reply, handing over to The PFY.
"..is to stand in the safe areas in front of heavy bookcases, underneath large, heavy objects, or beside plate glass windows."
"EXACTLY!" I cry.
"I don't think you've really thought about that," The Boss comments.
"Oh no, we've thought about it alright. Just check out the EMERGENCY PROCEDURE pages in their internal phone book. I'm especially proud of the Bomb Scare section."
"Is that the one where they run straight at the armed police screaming 'You'll never take me alive you bastards!'?" The PFY asks.
"The very same!"
"I LOVE that bit!"
I hate offended people. They come in two flavours - huffy and whiny - and it's hard to know which is worst. The huffy ones are self-important, narcissistic authoritarians in love with the sound of their own booming disapproval, while the whiny, sparrowlike ones are so annoying and sickly and ill-equipped for life on Earth you just want to smack them round the head until they stop crying and grow up.
- Charlie Brooker
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