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Steven Wright: Comedian, philosopher Login/Join 
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Sometimes, I just need to slow down, breathe and get a bit of perspective.

Confucius, Plato, Churchill, Musashi and others are part of our rich heritage.

And in his own wright ...



“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”


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Posts: 10510 | Location: Florida | Registered: June 23, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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"If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."



"It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts." Sherlock Holmes
 
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My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'



If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under. Ronald Reagan
 
Posts: 952 | Location: Arizona | Registered: December 07, 2013Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I tried snorting coke once, but the ice cubes got in the way.
 
Posts: 3116 | Location: PA | Registered: November 15, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I was traveling to Canada and when I got to the border they asked if I had any firearms. I said “What do you need?”


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www.opspectraining.com

"Make it a shooting, and not a gunfight" LSP552 02/19/2011



 
Posts: 32663 | Location: Logical | Registered: September 12, 2004Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Fly High, A.J.
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"What's another word for Thesauraus?"
 
Posts: 1277 | Location: Northern Ky | Registered: March 23, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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"I once bought some dehydrated water. I didn't know what to add."
 
Posts: 488 | Registered: February 24, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
 
Posts: 108 | Location: New Jersey  | Registered: May 03, 2019Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Peripheral Visionary
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<--- See my CUT...

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"...on the other hand you have different fingers..."

"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."

"Hermits have no peer pressure."




 
Posts: 9894 | Location: Magnolia, Texas | Registered: January 29, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."




America First!
 
Posts: 2948 | Location: Idaho | Registered: January 26, 2014Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Way back in college at VA Tech, late 80s or early 90s, my soon to be ex-fiancé and I were walking across campus to see him live. We walked along one seldom-used side of the building and he pops out a side door and asks if I had a light. I did not as neither of us smoked. Missed opportunity to chat with a comedy legend.
 
Posts: 2586 | Location: Alexandria, VA | Registered: March 07, 2011Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I have a road map of the United States. It's actual size.


==========================================
Just my 2¢
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Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right ♫♫♫
 
Posts: 7261 | Location: Raleighwood | Registered: June 27, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
chickenshit
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"I have the largest sea shell collection in the world. I keep it on all the beaches..."


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Yes, Para does appreciate humor.
 
Posts: 6839 | Location: East Central FL | Registered: January 05, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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"If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?"
 
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So let it be written,
so let it be done...
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I like to stick my head out the window and pose for Satellite shots...



'Live long and prosper'
 
Posts: 3038 | Location: Kansas | Registered: April 28, 2007Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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"That guy that wrote the alphabet song... he wrote everything."
 
Posts: 2841 | Location: San Marcos,Tx. | Registered: July 24, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Shoulda Coulda
Oughta Woulda
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I bought some second hand paint, it came in the shape of a house.
 
Posts: 367 | Registered: June 26, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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'If you are in a car travelling at the speed of light, will the headlights work?'


Tony
 
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quarter MOA visionary
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I think someone stole his stuff once and replaced it with an exact replica.
 
Posts: 16699 | Location: Houston, TX | Registered: June 11, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Min-Chin-Chu-Ru... Speed with Glare
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I hooked my tv up to my microwave. Now I can watch 60 Minutes in 60 seconds.
 
Posts: 1009 | Location: MA | Registered: December 24, 2004Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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