The Blind Cowboy

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey,
you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you
tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are
blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight
lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell
that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

An old man was lying in his death bed. The end was near.
The whole family came in and expressed their love to him and promised to take care of Mom when he was gone.
As they all held hands waiting for the end he asked..."Is my loving wife here?
Tears welling up she said, "Yes my love I'm here with you."

"Is my oldest son here?"
Oldest son answered, "Yes Dad, I'm here!"

"My middle son, is he here?"
"Yes Father, I am here!"

"Is my darling daughter here?"
"Yes Poppa, I'm here with you!"

"Then why is the living room light on?"

quote:

Originally posted by mekaus:
Say what you will about deaf people.

My maternal grandmother was fairly deaf and we used to talk about her while she was in the room and not get caught/in trouble. WELL - she went and had a surgery done and could hear pretty well afterwards and we all screwed up and forgot...

We got caught.

A true story...

My grandfather was seriously hearing impaired and consequently talked loudly. He had one and only one solution to all women's problems.

Once at a church function where everyone was sitting around a table eating, he felt it necessary to comment on the behavior of a female member of the group.

"You know what she needs...?", he asked.

(My grandmother grabbed his arm and said, "No! Claude! No!".)

But he continued, "...is a good old-fashioned fuckin'".

O'Reilly and O'Shaunessy are walking along the path to town.

O'Reilly: " Hey,where's O'Neill, I've not seen him in a fortnight."
O'Shaunessy: " Ah, he saw a sign saying 'Drink Canada Dry', so he went there."

The Sensous Wife
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.


"No," said her husband.


She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.


"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.


"Uh, no," he said.


She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a moist crumpled fifty dollar bill.


"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 60,000 dollars all crumpled up?"


"No," he said, now really intrigued.


"Well.....go look in the garage..."

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"T'was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm a famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're doing all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out the exact amount every time. I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

.

quote:

Originally posted by darthfuster:
....I don't know, but the middle one looks like Willie Nelson....

I thought it was Grizzly Adams!

Most people don't realize that ALL dogs are drug-sniffing dogs.

It's just that most of them aren't narcs.