Say what you will about deaf people.

quote:

Originally posted by mekaus:
Say what you will about deaf people.

It is a measure of my sickness how hard I laughed at that.

Guy meets a truly stunning girl. Perfect hair, great smile, incredible body, the whole package. Also very humble and down to earth. In fact, the only thing about this woman that is less than perfect is that she has a lisp when she speaks.

Not surprisingly, the guy figures this is a very minor drawback indeed and begins dating her regularly. Communication is a bit of an issue but they work through it.

Along about their 5th or 6th date, she snuggles up to him and whispers in his ear "I wanna get weighed." A bit confused, but wanting to please her, he takes her to a gym where they do a light workout, play a little handball and on the way out they step on the scales and she, as expected, weighs a slim, trim 115 pounds.

Next date, same thing: "I wanna get weighed", with the same results.

Following date, yup..."I wanna get weighed".

By now, the guy is a bit frustrated and asks a little sharply "Why? Why do you constantly want to get weighed?":

She says "Because I wove you!"

If you think about it, everyone in life gets at least one participation trophy...it's called a tombstone.

Socialist jokes aren't funny unless everybody gets them.

Q: What does a nosey pepper do?

A: Gets jalapeño business.

A guy walks into a bar and orders five shots of Wild Turkey to be set up in a row.

Bartender: Are you celebrating?

Guy: Yes. My first blowjob.

Bartender: Congratulation! The next one is on the house.

Guy: Thanks but it five drinks doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, the sixth probably won't either.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

I never knew what true happiness was until I got married....................
................
And now it's too late.

God & the Biker

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

I met a woman at a club last night. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, but when she drove me to her place and parallel-parked on the first try, I thought, "Wait a minute..."

"I have a problem, Doc. One of my balls is blue." The doctor examined him and told him, "If you don't have that testicle removed, you'll die." He agreed to have it removed. Two weeks later, he was back. "Doc, my other ball is now blue." Same diagnosis. But two weeks after he was rendered testicle-free, he was back. "Doc, something's very wrong with me. Now my penis is blue!" Another exam, more bad news: his penis has got to go. "But Doc? How will I pee?" "I'll install a plastic tube. There'll be no problem." A month after his third operation, the unfortunate man was back in the doctor's office and extremely angry. "Doc, now my plastic tube is blue!" "What?" The doctor carefully examines him and said, "Hmm. I wonder if it's your brand of jeans?"

The Ladies will like this.

A company is looking for a killer. By the end of the search three candidates remain, two males and one female. They are gathered in a nondescript space and the lead interviewer explains to them.

"Behind that door is your significant other, tied up in a chair, and on a table you will find a pistol. We would like you to terminate your significant other."

The first guy goes in and he sees his wife. Unable to complete the assignment he comes out and says, "I'm sorry. I just can't do it".

The second guy then goes in and faster than the first one comes out. "There's no way in this world that I would do that to my eternal love", he says and leaves.

The female then enters the room, sees her husband, locks the door behind her and nothing is heard for a little while. Suddenly loud, crashing noises are heard followed by more slightly subdued thuds.

She comes out of the room and angrily demands, "Who was the fucking asshole that forgot to load the pistol? I had to beat him to death!".

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

-Because if they had four they would be chicken sedans

Bubba and Earl are driving back to Athens from Atlanta when they notice they needed some gas. They start looking for a gas station and see a sign that reads "Free Sex with Fill-up." They pull in and tell the attendant to "fill 'er up." After he's done the attendant goes to the window and says that it would be $18.00 for the gas. (This is an old story.)

They pay and as the attendant starts to walk away Bubba yells "What about my free sex?". The attendant rolls his eyes and goes to the window and says, "OK, but you have to guess the magic number. It's a number between 1 and 10." Bubba said, "6." The attendant says "No, the number is 3. Sorry."

As the attendant starts to walk off Earl says, "Give me a try." The attendant says "OK." Earl says, "7." And the attendant says "No, I told you the number was 3."

Bubba then speeds off and Earl looks over and says, "I think that game was fixed. There is no way to win." To which Bubba replies, "Uh uh, my wife won two times last month."

Two guys in a tailor shop in Athens:

"Euripides?"

"Yeah. Eumenides?"

What's the difference between a mistress, a prostitute and a wife in bed?

A mistress says "Slower honey.... slower"

A prostitute says "Faster baby, faster"

A wife says "Beige... I'll paint the ceiling beige"