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| I believe in the principle of Due Process  |
Some of us miss the old kind of (Yiddish) humor. Not a single swear word in their comic routines as shown below: A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me! Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea . My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried. My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!" Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you. The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!" A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call." A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play. He asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." Luckily, I have enough willpower to control the driving ambition that rages within me. When you had the votes, we did things your way. Now, we have the votes and you will be doing things our way. This lesson in political reality from Lyndon B. Johnson "Some things are apparent. Where government moves in, community retreats, civil society disintegrates and our ability to control our own destiny atrophies. The result is: families under siege; war in the streets; unapologetic expropriation of property; the precipitous decline of the rule of law; the rapid rise of corruption; the loss of civility and the triumph of deceit. The result is a debased, debauched culture which finds moral depravity entertaining and virtue contemptible." - Justice Janice Rogers Brown | ||
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Member |
Those are great! I sure miss those comedians that knew how to deliver those lines (and I'm dating myself) like: Jackie Mason, Rodney Dangerfield, Milton Berle, Groucho Marx, George Burns, et al. We the people are the rightful masters of both Congress and the courts, not to overthrow the Constitution but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution. Abraham Lincoln | |||
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A Grateful American |
et al? el al's brother? "the meaning of life, is to give life meaning" ✡ Ani Yehudi אני יהודי Le'olam lo shuv לעולם לא שוב! | |||
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| Little ray of sunshine  |
Henny Youngman lives! The fish is mute, expressionless. The fish doesn't think because the fish knows everything. | |||
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| I believe in the principle of Due Process |
Yeah. The guy they named the airline after. Luckily, I have enough willpower to control the driving ambition that rages within me. When you had the votes, we did things your way. Now, we have the votes and you will be doing things our way. This lesson in political reality from Lyndon B. Johnson "Some things are apparent. Where government moves in, community retreats, civil society disintegrates and our ability to control our own destiny atrophies. The result is: families under siege; war in the streets; unapologetic expropriation of property; the precipitous decline of the rule of law; the rapid rise of corruption; the loss of civility and the triumph of deceit. The result is a debased, debauched culture which finds moral depravity entertaining and virtue contemptible." - Justice Janice Rogers Brown | |||
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Void Where Prohibited |
I remember hearing this one in the 60's on TV - it may have been Myron Cohen (or maybe not): An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of sex. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully. "Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded. The old guy paused....then he asked, "Infrequently - is that one word or two?" "If Gun Control worked, Chicago would look like Mayberry, not Thunderdome" - Cam Edwards | |||
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Member |
A Jewish lady's grandson is playing in the water, she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished. She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful grandmother? Have I not been a wonderful mother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith? Have I not given to Hadassah? Have I not lit candles every Friday night at dusk? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?" A loud voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!" A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The loud voice booms again "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?" She responds, "He had a hat." Set the controls for the heart of the Sun. | |||
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Member |
Not quite as good as the other ones, Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free. It's a shame that youth is wasted on the young --- Mark Twain Anyone who is not a liberal by age 20 has no heart; anyone who is not a conservative by age 40 has no brain---Winston Churchill | |||
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Mensch |
Jewish Dilemma: Free ham. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Yidn, shreibt un fershreibt" "The Nazis entered this war under the rather childish delusion that they were going to bomb everyone else, and nobody was going to bomb them. At Rotterdam, London, Warsaw and half a hundred other places, they put their rather naive theory into operation. They sowed the wind, and now they are going to reap the whirlwind." -Bomber Harris | |||
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| I believe in the principle of Due Process |
There is no such thing. It’s pink Arabian lamb. Luckily, I have enough willpower to control the driving ambition that rages within me. When you had the votes, we did things your way. Now, we have the votes and you will be doing things our way. This lesson in political reality from Lyndon B. Johnson "Some things are apparent. Where government moves in, community retreats, civil society disintegrates and our ability to control our own destiny atrophies. The result is: families under siege; war in the streets; unapologetic expropriation of property; the precipitous decline of the rule of law; the rapid rise of corruption; the loss of civility and the triumph of deceit. The result is a debased, debauched culture which finds moral depravity entertaining and virtue contemptible." - Justice Janice Rogers Brown | |||
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Member |
good one! The citizen watches the watchman, not the taxpayer. | |||
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אַרְיֵה |
This is no funnier now, than it was when you posted it on May 21, 2018. הרחפת שלי מלאה בצלופחים | |||
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Member |
I didn't see it then, but I agree it isn't funny. . | |||
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| אַרְיֵה |
https://sigforum.com/eve/forums...370040244#1370040244 הרחפת שלי מלאה בצלופחים | |||
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| Member |
I believe you, V-tail. . | |||
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| Edge seeking Sharp blade! |
How do you cure a Jewish nymphomanic? Marry her. | |||
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| Member |
My wife wanted to go on a trip, somewhere she had never been before. I said, "how about the kitchen" | |||
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| אַרְיֵה |
I certainly did not mean to imply that you were disagreeing with me. My apology if I gave that impression. Back to my original comment -- I found the remark disagreeable three months ago, but I did not say anything at the time, figuring that everybody is entitled to one indiscretion. One. Not two. הרחפת שלי מלאה בצלופחים | |||
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| אַרְיֵה |
Reminds me of the story about the Rabbi and the Priest who were having a frank discussion. The Priest asked, "Tell me the truth, Rabbi. Have you ever tasted ham?" The Rabbi looked around to see if anyone else was listening, and said, "I am going to hold you to the secrecy of the confessional. Yes, I tried it once. Now my turn for a question. Have you ever been intimate with a woman?" The Priest hesitated, then replied, "I am going to rely on your discretion, but yes. Once." The Rabbi looked at the Priest and said, "Better than ham, isn't it?" הרחפת שלי מלאה בצלופחים | |||
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goodheart |
I would use JAllen’s doctor jokes with my patients, but (1) they’re Hawaiian and may not get the jokes; (2) I can’t remember the punch line. _________________________ “ What all the wise men promised has not happened, and what all the damned fools said would happen has come to pass.”— Lord Melbourne | |||
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