So both my parents are alive. Dad is 90. Mom is 89. Dad is the caregiver. Mom is ready for the nursing home. All the family knows that. It is very evident. We have been doing all we can to keep them together in their home for several years. Now it cannot continue or there will be some kind of a tragedy soon. The family is wore out.

So she says she won't go. We cannot force her. Dad is conflicted. One day he says yes. Next day we can do it. Which is understandable. Mom can be nasty about something like this.

Wondering how some here handled it. What worked, what didn't.

Thanks guys and gals.

Just sort of went through this with my mom. Had to take here there a couple times before she started wondering who it was she met and wondering how they were doing. It’s like a full service studio apartment.

She’s also been single the last 40 years or so though.

Be patient with them both. Try to make their lives as happy and easy as possible. Had a similar experience with my two parents. It helped to remember the sacrifices they made for me as their child. Good luck.

Sometimes it's better for a third party to be the villain. Or maybe if they have any friends in a rest home, it might make it easier to be with someone they know.

I don't know enough about the situation to make an informed opinion, but I know it's difficult, having both my parents pass on. If you have to force the issue, I hope you have family support.

If nothing else (and you might've already done so), tell them you want them involved with the process before the decision is taken out of everyone's hands. Good luck ORC.

Are there any in-home nursing agencies in their area that could provide the care they need in their own house?

It’s a long story, but my dad fought going in and ended up being forced into one during covid. Due to how things turned out due to his reluctance, he ended up dying alone in an ER during covid. I did not even know he was admitted until after he passed. It was his sister who forced him into the nursing home. I tried to get him into a VA home a coupe months prior to him passing but he refused.

After dealing with this with my parents and my wife’s, we decided that we are not going to burden our daughter with that decision. If I have to I will admit my wife and I both and I will not fight it (but we are also preparing for it decades ahead of time). Parents tend to be selfish and cause much anguish over their refusal to prepare properly and to accept the inevitable when the time comes.

I do some estate planning work as a lawyer and this comes up all the time. I aske people the following questions to help them decide what to do.

 Are you their Power of Attorney?

If so, that means that when they were capable of making a decision, they selected that person to have the guts to answer the hard questions when the time came.

Has the time come

So what is in their best interest for their safety.

Now what is your decision.

"Has the time come?"

Such a key question. This is fresh, as I just went thru it with both my parents. It turned out it wasn't up to me, they made decisions (later than I would have), or they got sick enough that circumstances and medical professionals made it for them.

This applied to everything.

-Dad drove to visit his brother, missed the turn drove another 60 miles wound up high centered on a boulder in a motel parking lot. Front desk gal got him checked in found my Sister on Facebook to let us know. Could have been a disaster. Thinks he is doing okay on his own, meanwhile everyone around him is worn out and stressed out. Fairly soon after that by some miracle he chose an assisted living place on his own. Wouldn't use a walker till the last possible day, wouldn't use a wheelchair till the last possible day. Pretty much the same thing for my Mom. In so many ways I admire the independence, they aren't the snowflake generation for sure. I found out caregiving is really hard and stressful work.

Dad was an attorney and wasn't going to give anyone power of attorney, but somehow as part of check-in procedure at assisted living they had him sign one. I didn't have to use it till a Doctor told me it was time for hospice. Dad always thought he had all his faculties even when he didn't. Whenever he was on pain meds he would hallucinate and it would take 2 weeks for him to get back to normal. He really wasn't normal, built and opened a restaurant when he was 82. At 84 though, he fell and broke his hip and that started a downhill slide. Dad kept saying I'm in assisted living, but I don't need much assistance. He was completely missing that they had cooked every meal for him for 2 years and were helping him bathe and with nearly everything else.

BTDT.

Old people can be stuck in their ways. Learn the lesson for yourself so you won’t be a pain in the butt for the people around you.

As to your parents, it depends on how lucid they are and how much of a hard ass you can stand to be.

My dad had Alzheimer’s/dementia. He kept getting lost. My wife and I racked our brains and offered several solutions to my parents.

Last straw was she couldn’t get out of bed for some reason and told my dad to go to the living room to get the portable phone. He went to the living room to watch TV until their friend came by.

After that, I took him to an Alzheimer’s unit against her wishes. She didn’t speak to me for at least two years. My half-sister thought I was up to no good. I didn’t care. He was safe and he stopped getting lost.

She was lucid so I couldn’t force her into a home. She wanted me to leave her alone. After having done everything I could do, I let her have her wishes. We would take her to visit with us on holidays then drive her home. She ended up dying alone in her apartment just like she wanted a few days after New Year’s when we dropped her offf from a visit with us.

I have no regrets as I tried everything I could do. She could have had a much easier life than she had in her last years.

When you've lost almost everything that makes you human, you can still hang on to your pride. I think that's what's going on in most of these stories.

So work with it, not against it. Let them know that the nursing home is the most reasonable choice when taking their kids and other caregivers into account. Not in a guilty way, but as part of their parenting responsibilities.

We are in the same position with my folks - dad is 95, mom 93. Both are losing their facilities, dad's worse than mom. They have caregivers 4 days a week (it's all they can stand - very private and don't like people in the house). They sit on opposite ends of the sofa ALL DAY - no external socialization - and we worry about accidents/problems when care givers aren't there. We have broached the option of going to a retirement center to be in a more social (and secure) environment - but receive serious pushback from both. We have started discussions with their caregivers to build a solid discussion from their healthcare providers to suggest the options - and steer the discussion towards the benefits of a retirement center. It's disheartening to see them just sit there when we know both would enjoy social opportunities.

Depends a lot on their condition and needs and their or your resources.
Are they well enough to bring them to a senior center during the day and maybe have some limited in home care?
If so, we moved to a larger home with an additional living area so there was privacy so they felt like they were still in their home.

The first order of business, regardless of where they live, is to have all needed paperwork, done. Healthcare POA, living will, wills, etc.

Crossed this bridge with my father who recently passed. First things first, get to an attorney and get them to do a medical POA, health care surrogate, etc. If the parent won't consent then you have to choice but to play hard ball. No contact, no help, etc. It's like dealing with a child and must be treated as such no matter how much it hurts or you feel like an ass. Mine wouldn't go into a home even after barely being able to walk or go to the bathroom by himself. I had to give him an ultimatum, you go into the home or we stop helping you. He chose the latter and I went no contact for a bit. Had to let him make such a mess of everything that he finally lost enough of his pride to concede.

Getting him into the home was rough at first but those nurses don't take no shit. My father was not a nice person, especially to people of other races. Once they sorted him out and got him to fall in line, it was a blessing. He started making friends, talking to people, being involved in activities and so on. In addition he finally received some proper diet management and healthcare.

Thanks guys, some tough stuff there. I appreciate the thoughts and advice. Every situation has its unique aspects. Any many of the stories have similarities to ours. Mentally my folks are really good for their age. They are poor decision makers. Have been their whole lives. Have not handled finances well either.
Helped them set things up several years ago so they could save much of their retirement income for such a time as now when they could use it. Of course that went up in smoke at the casino and giving it to family who did not need it but conned them.
Overall these situations are very tough. For those dealing with it, I wish you well. Thanks again all.

My Mom died at her assisted residence May 29. I and my daughter were there. Mom was 100.

Apologies if I missed this suggestion but have you looked into in-home nursing care? My neighbor recently died of ALS but she had nurses/care-givers in her home, which is where she passed away. It is probably an expensive option but so are during homes.

Mom wouldn't listen to us kids, or even a few good friends.

But when her doctor gave her a 20 minute " exam" and 15 Minutes of explanation.

She agreed to try it on a trial basis.

Approach and presentation is everything for some.

My down stairs neighbor lady turns 97 next week.

She lives alone but has a gal that comes in four times a week.

quote:

Wondering how some here handled it. What worked, what didn't.

We converted our 2-car garage into an in-law apartment. MIL was wheel-chair bound, FIL was healthy. After they moved in, MIL lasted 4 months before she passed on New Year's Day.
We had Hospice and Wheels for Meals doing their services, which helped. FIL was responsible for medications and other personal services. He was devoted to is wife!
He's been with us 10 years now, and, at 93, he still drives and is independent in his "apartment".

I am guardian of my older sister (mid 60's), as well as having a very healthy mother in her mid 90's and a mother-in-law in her late 80's who needs assistance.

For my sister, I didn't give her a choice. She has moderate dementia and other mental/physical handicaps. Five years later she still complains about not liking her new location and missing her old apartment (where she had a ton of help coming in each day).

My mom plans to die in her home, or maybe out on the golf course. She plans to bring in whatever assistance she may need.

The MIL is extremely resistant to any kind of senior living arrangement, and doesn't like helpers in her home either.

From all of this, my take is that a person has the right to make poor choices which reduce their apparent safety. This presumes they have some degree of mental competency, meaning they understand the risks they are accepting. e.g. my mom knows she could fall and not be found for a day.

The MIL doesn't desire social interaction or activities found at senior living. I think she is quite mentally competent but is in denial of how much her quality of life suffers right now by living alone. My wife tries to nudge her to see the benefits of having her own apartment within a senior living facility.

When it gets to the point of them not being competent to make a decision, it falls onto us to decide how much risk is worth how much joy. Or, how much added safety is worth how much hassle and angst for them. My wife and I are in the camp of not trying to eek out every additional day for them at the cost of constant strife and unhappiness.

I don't believe we are obligated to sacrifice years of our own lives trying to be caretakers.

Nursing homes can be horrendous places for the elderly so take great care in selecting what home to place your mom in. Nursing homes can be notorious for neglecting patients along with some aids stealing their belongings. My dad was in a nursing home and we had to go up there almost everyday to make sure he was being treated well. People are like cattle in some of these nursing homes with people stuck in wheel chairs lined up in the hall for hours and some are left to stew in their feces before an aid gets around to cleaning them up. A better solution may be assisted living where they have their own private apartment. Do lots of homework before making a decision to force your mom into a nursing home to make sure she's going in to the best possible facility and visit her as often as possible so she doesn't feel abandoned. And remember it wasn't no picnic when your mom was taking care of you as an infant.