WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an emergency, overnight referendum, the American people voted on Thursday to replace the United States Senate with a room full of monkeys throwing feces. The measure passed with 57% of the vote. 22% of voters thought the Senate should be replaced by barking seals, while 17% voted that the replacement should be the pit of venomous snakes from Indiana Jones. 3.97% voted that Senate members be replaced by screaming goats. "About 100 people" voted for the current Senators to keep their jobs, with this tiny voting bloc centered in Washington, D.C.

Highland Ape Rescue out of West Virginia will be teaming up with Cornwell Primate farms to supply hundreds of monkeys and apes to the Senate. The animals will be fed a nutritious mixture of foods that produce easily throwable feces. Protective glass will be put up around the Senate for camera crews to safely film, but anyone being interviewed by the new senators will have to sit in the middle of the poo-flinging octagon, coming under a heavy barrage of projectile excrement.

“It will be a huge improvement from how things were before,” said ape trainer, Marlena Henwick. “No more 10-12 hour hearings. With these monkeys, all the fecal projectiles will have been flung in under 30 minutes. One and done.”

The recently replaced senators will be placed on display at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. for families to park attendees to observe and zoologists to study.

https://babylonbee.com/news/se...keys-throwing-feces/

I love the Bee!

More "breaking" satire:

quote:

Republicans Allow For FBI Investigation On Kavanaugh As Long As It's Finished By The Time 'Matlock' Comes On Tonight

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Senate Republicans agreed to allow the FBI to investigate claims made against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, "as long as it's wrapped up by the time Matlock comes on tonight."

Republicans claim the time period until the next rerun of the legal drama comes on should be "plenty of time" for the FBI to conduct a thorough investigation.

"I don't want to be sitting there all ready to find out what Andy Griffith's up to this time just to get interrupted with a phone call or two from the Bureau," said Senator Chuck Grassley. "I'd prefer we have this all done already, but if it's important enough to Senator Flake, we'll go ahead and give the FBI, oh, three or four hours to investigate these claims."

Grassley then checked the clock and realized he had to go to make the lunch price at Golden Corral before zipping home for Matlock .

At publishing time, Republican senators had allowed for an extension in the investigation, as long as it's all done by the time Columbo comes on Sunday night. "Oh, and one more thing: we'll give ya till Sunday," they said.

quote:

Senate To Be Replaced With Room Full Of Monkeys Throwing Feces

How would we know?

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!

quote:

Originally posted by Bigboreshooter:

quote:

Senate To Be Replaced With Room Full Of Monkeys Throwing Feces

How would we know?

It's not as if you can tell any difference.

quote:

Originally posted by Bigboreshooter:

quote:

Senate To Be Replaced With Room Full Of Monkeys Throwing Feces

How would we know?

“No more 10-12 hour hearings. With these monkeys, all the fecal projectiles will have been flung in under 30 minutes. One and done.”

quote:

Originally posted by Bigboreshooter:

quote:

Senate To Be Replaced With Room Full Of Monkeys Throwing Feces

How would we know?

The monkeys have better manners.

Why they dissin' monkeys like that?

Vote for SigMonkey??

quote:

Originally posted by sgalczyn:
Vote for SigMonkey??

Hear! Hear!

A woman has just accused SigMonkey of pulling her hair when they were in the first grade.

quote:

Originally posted by Bigboreshooter:

quote:

Senate To Be Replaced With Room Full Of Monkeys Throwing Feces

How would we know?

Either way, these are rich monkeys. They didn't start out that way, but it just comes with the job.

quote:

Originally posted by sgalczyn:
Vote for SigMonkey??

Sorry, he’s far too civilized to fall in with that crowd...

Best part;

quote:

"About 100 people" voted for the current Senators to keep their jobs, with this tiny voting bloc centered in Washington, D.C.

Our deficient in spending will be erased without all the perks these leaches get while in office and after they retire.

quote:

Originally posted by Eponym:
A woman has just accused SigMonkey of pulling her hair when they were in the first grade.

OK, well that's it. He's out.

quote:

Originally posted by Bigboreshooter:

quote:

Senate To Be Replaced With Room Full Of Monkeys Throwing Feces

How would we know?

We wouldn't be able to tell the difference on the Left side of the aisle.



.

My wife and I watched the pitiful and utterly uncalled for assault on Judge Kavanaugh and my wife was really upset about it. Her comment was that the Damocrats shot themselves in the foot and I agree. Our local conservative talk radio station, KARN 102.9 FM had hundreds of callers calling for a real cleaning of the swamp. IMHO it can't some too soon. What a disgrace the Democrats were to our nation.

quote:

Originally posted by Jim Shugart:

quote:

Originally posted by Eponym:
A woman has just accused SigMonkey of pulling her hair when they were in the first grade.

OK, well that's it. He's out.

I hear that he is calling for an FBI investigation.

Do we still have to address then as "The Honorable..."