I encountered the absolute worst coach of my life today. The team that has not lost in 4 years played fresh against my girls who had to play a back to back double header. We won our first game 2-0 and were given 15 minutes to cool off before playing a fresh team who somehow always draws a favorable schedule.

Before the second game started the ref approached me and said the coach of the other team accused my team of having a boy on it!? This completely and totally caught me off guard. One of the girls I coach has a short pixie style hair cut but never would it have occurred to me to accuse this player of being a boy. She isn’t even our best player. Apparently the ref wanted to warn me of the team possibly saying bad stuff as they were attempting to protested our player. It might have been an excuse for them to play more physical but I am not sure. It really caught me off guard today.

This is Rec league soccer so them showing up an hour early and scouting our games is fucking ridiculous. Our team has multiple returning players and is becoming tight knit so when I told my assistant coach what happened it of course got around to the other players parents and collectively infuriated our parents. I think it made us play harder and better. The whole sideline was cheering like I’ve never heard before.

It didn’t phase me, I was too busy formulating a roster that would kick their ass on the field as it burned their midfield and put their defense on the spot over and over and over. We played a super aggressive formation that depending on momentum would occasionally resort to only running one defender as the mid field floated up to support our two strikers and the other defender became a mid fielder.! They ran a strong defense and we played fast and loose and relied on our STOUT defense.

A miscommunication in subbing at one point saw our entire team full court press to the other side of the field and attack except for our goalie! I cannot believe they didn’t capitalize on that mistake. Yelling “where is our midfield!! Where is the Defense??!! Was actually kind of funny in retrospect.

We had the ball on their side of the field 80%+ of the game and out shot them significantly probably 3-4x more shots on goal with 5 that should have gone in. Soccer is a finesse sport and sadly we couldn’t capitalize on our opportunities and lost 2-0 in a damn hard fought game. My girls were sad and exhausted but after our huddle I think they realized how well of a game they played. I told them it was one of the best games I’ve ever seen and they realized I was serious. I am so proud of my girls for putting on such a hard fought game. My keeper (goalie) was super bummed out after the game so I chased her down and complimented her on two extraordinary saves and how she should only be proud for doing her best. 1 on 1 is hard when your defense does not play position and gets burned. I don’t like it when a player on my team feels like they are the reason for a loss, especially since she was not the reason.

I lost my star goalie because either she aged up or felt responsible for our losses. I wanted to make sure with our current goalie that I didn’t make the same mistake again of letting anyone walk away from the field feeling bad.

What a day! Coaching my daughters soccer team is more fun than playing. I am loving it. That coach was a beautiful example of how not to act and how to teach proper sportsmanship to my team.

I hope we can play that second team again (I am not one to fixate on our schedule, I’ve got more important things to focus on) I’d love to see my girls play them again fresh.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: stickman428,

rec league can be as brutal as travel ball when it comes to jerks.

I had a U8 team that hadn't lost for 2 years, solid team with one superstar who could score at will with either foot from about 5 years old.

We played the best team in the county, coached by a local HS coach who had twins playing.

We beat them something like 8-4 or so.

I always pulled my star instead of running scores up on teams.

We played them again later in the year and they had what I assume was 3 o4 middle school kids playing. One of my parents knew one of the families on the other side and the one kid was definitely a sixth grader.

I went over and asked if they were his regualr roster players and was basically told to f*ck off and complain to the league if I had a problem. It's rec league run by volunteers!

They barely beat us the 2nd time, I told my kids the same thing you did. Even though it was a loss, it was the best game I'd ever seen them play.

I'm gonna be that guy.

"... I told my assistant coach what happened it of course got around to the other players parents and collectively infuriated our parents. ..."

I would fire my assistant coach.

I would have expressed to the refs or whomever oversees the game, that a discussion needed to be had of un-sportsman like conduct that would not effect the outcome of the game, but must be addressed officially.

Then confront the other coach on the accusation and let the chips fall.

Might turn out to be a tar baby no one touches, or it might result in that coach being dealt with appropriately.

Then decide if it would have been something to speak privately to the team after the game, and either directly or in writing to the parents.


I know, Monday morning quarter back and all.

It was obvious something was wrong Sigmonkey. Having the most involved parents approach us and ask what was wrong multiple times was inevitably going to get out. It actually caught me so off guard that I went back to the ref to make sure I heard him correctly.

I hear you. And not being there is hard to appreciate the details.

Certainly not faulting or (unkindly) criticizing you.

I can't stand coaches like that. I have coached both my son and daughter's teams over the years and fortunately we only had a couple morons. Some coaches would run their best players hard, we're talking 6-8 y/o kids, to the point the kids just walk off the field in disgust and exhaustion.

I have read your post numerous times.
It has been a long hot day for me so I very well could be missing something.

You are upset that the opposing coach believed you may have a boy on your team and went through the proper channel of informing the ref of what he believed to be a rule violation??

I am having difficulty understanding the problem?
If he felt a player of yours had toe cleats or metal studs and did the same thing would you be upset as well?

The coach accused our team of having a trans player or boy pretending to be a girl on our team and demanded she be disqualified. The ref flat out refused the coaches request and later came over to warn us of any comments from the team or coach. There was no reason to think this other than the haircut. This player is not even close to being the most physical, aggressive or even the most talented player on my team. Not by a long shot. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the entire fucked up situation.

The coach also yelled rudely for us to take the field 5 minutes after our 1st game. We were told by the ref we would have 15 minutes to rest before playing the second game. I made damn sure my girls got all 15 minutes they were due to rest. I yelled QUITE loudly that his team could continue to sit in the sun and wait for us while we took the time we were allowed by the ref before we started the next game. I was pretty damn annoyed since we were having to play a back to back double header unlike their team.

It’s one of those “are you fucking serous!?” situations. And clearly the coach pushed back hard enough and rude enough that the ref felt compelled to warn me of possible trash talk. At this level that is well beyond petty and pathetic.

Some coaches are total losers.

The biggest PITA I ever had while coaching was parents. Parents suck the fun out of youth sports. But I ran into more than one shit bag coach too. Some coaches live vicariously through their players, just as some parents do. I was a member of a coaches FB group for the football league I coached in and some of the coaches must have had very little life outside of coaching kids football games. Honestly it was pathetic.

Hopefully you beat the shit out of them every time you meet. But even if you don’t, you know that you are teaching those kids much more than soccer.

My kids had a double header last week where they played the number one team in their league. The first game they lost 4-3. The second game, we got down early and the other team started pouring it on. OK, I get that. But it got really bush league when their players started jogging around the bases BACKWARDS. I wasn’t sure what surprised me more, that or that the umpire and/or their coach did nothing about it.

Pale Horse, you’re right. I witnessed a lot of problematic parents first hand when I played soccer in Norther Virginia. I have not seen it much at this level but it has occurred once. A parent actually yelled out for a player to foul one of our girls in an attempt to remove her from the game a few seasons ago. That got handled immediately and to the point that it didn’t happen again all season. I’m sure it only gets worse at higher age levels.

BB61, That is awful. I get that blow out games are unavoidable but if a team does not feel a bit uncomfortable running up the score it says a lot about them. I’ve been on both sides of it. My sons team beat their first rival 13-0 yesterday BUT they pulled back their best players to defense and even instructed a few of the best players “do not make runs down the field!”.

I saw a kid who can barely dribble down field get past a player, pass to another guy who can barely dribble who somehow did the same thing then passed back and the kid scored. There was a chorus of groans on the opposing parents sideline. To the other team it looked bad on our behalf but I was in TOTAL shock to see that kid score.

By the end of the game I was cheering on the opposing team when they made good plays to the point that my wife said you do realize your son plays for the other team right? I hate to see demoralizing blow outs occur especially at a level that is primarily focused on learning the sport and having fun.


I was so caught off guard by the accusations leveled at my player that I wasn’t sure how to react. I don’t think there is any legitimacy to the claims. Her mother looked like she was about to cry when she found out what the coach said. She found out from my wife who was PISSED. I’ve honestly never had a reason or even remotely felt like the accusation has any merit.

I’ve already talked to the sports director and expressed how unacceptable all of this is and they agreed with me and assured me they would be dealing with it.

Stick,

I coached and umpired girls softball when my two were younger. All I can say is it enlightened me in two ways.

1) Some parents and coaches can be terrible people. I met some of the worst human beings on earth and witnessed actions that dropped my jaw regularly. I heard language this sailor only heard on long deployments. Saw parents treating kids like crap.

2) #1 made me give more and harder…instilling good morals and sportsmanship into my team. Showing the ones who had sacks of shit for parents what it’s like to be loved, appreciated, and supported. Teamwork, humility, and caring for others. That if you work hard, you get better…if you play hard, you win…and if you lose, that’s ok.

Your posts are uplifting…keep doing what you are doing…you are molding them, changing their lives…in a very good way.

quote:

Originally posted by stickman428:
The coach accused our team of having a trans player or boy pretending to be a girl on our team and demanded she be disqualified. The ref flat out refused the coaches request and later came over to warn us of any comments from the team or coach. There was no reason to think this other than the haircut. This player is not even close to being the most physical, aggressive or even the most talented player on my team. Not by a long shot. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the entire fucked up situation.

The coach also yelled rudely for us to take the field 5 minutes after our 1st game. We were told by the ref we would have 15 minutes to rest before playing the second game. I made damn sure my girls got all 15 minutes they were due to rest. I yelled QUITE loudly that his team could continue to sit in the sun and wait for us while we took the time we were allowed by the ref before we started the next game. I was pretty damn annoyed since we were having to play a back to back double header unlike their team.

It’s one of those “are you fucking serous!?” situations. And clearly the coach pushed back hard enough and rude enough that the ref felt compelled to warn me of possible trash talk. At this level that is well beyond petty and pathetic.

What age are we talking here?

I hate to be that guy and maybe the situation has a lot lost in translation but I am just getting the reaction.

I was a soccer ref for many many years both boys and girls. If a coach or anyone alleged a violation (regardless of merit and most were in fact merit less though I did have to cut off a couple of toe cleats and remove some studs and give a couple of cards for it) I had to inform the coach of the other team.
Of course would be on a the lookout for any unsportsmanlike conduct that may arise by coaches, players, or parents that might arise from the allegation being knocked down.

While this allegation seems a bit off to you because you know the young lady in today’s day and age where boys are playing dress up like girls constantly in sports and regular life the mistake can be made and probably more times than it would be in years past or especially when we played (I think you and I are somewhat close in age).
I have a cousin who unfortunately gets accused of being a boy on occasion at their games and it is mostly due to the pixie cut as well so it happens and you’ll likely see it again.

In most instances it’s flat out a safety issue for boys to play with girls. The coach was likely just looking out for his team. He went to the ref which is what he was supposed to do and the ref knocked it down. He did not confront the girl in particular, your other girls, you, or the parents.
He simply took it to the ref. If he went beyond that I would take issue with it.

It does seem like your assistant coach made it a bigger deal by telling folks. The ref told you of an allegation they found to have no merit. It needed to go no further than that until after the game and done with the player and parents privately.
If you’re worried about trash talk you’re in for a ride because what I learned because I was a ref for girls soccer is girls can be ruthless when it comes to the trash talk.

I have been a part of sports for over 30 years mostly player and ref and just last year as my first assistant coach stint.
Parents are the worst, coaches can be pretty crappy, and both parents and coaches today are worlds worse than when I played years ago and the players for the most part are much softer which makes the divide much worse.

Don’t get too worked up unless your players safety comes into play. The girls can feel it and see it on you and cause them to get worked up.

This coach wasn’t looking out for his team. This player in question is not the tallest or even biggest player I have on the roster. There is literally zero reason to make this accusation other than her haircut. I could understand having a player pretend to be a girl and just thrash the other team and how such a thing could be dangerous. This is not even almost close to such a scenario.

Their team has a history of playing more physical than is probably appropriate at this age (8-9) so the accusation is beyond hypocritical. You know it’s not a good environment when one of my parents comes up and says to me “my daughter used to play on his team and we are so glad to be on a different team”.


Shit heads are a part of every sport. To me the most memorable part of the weekend was not all this drama but rather seeing two of my players who seemed lost in practice turn out to be two of our strongest players. It’s going to be a fun season.

quote:

Originally posted by BB61:
My kids had a double header last week where they played the number one team in their league. The first game they lost 4-3. The second game, we got down early and the other team started pouring it on. OK, I get that. But it got really bush league when their players started jogging around the bases BACKWARDS. I wasn’t sure what surprised me more, that or that the umpire and/or their coach did nothing about it.

I’m not much of a soccer guy but am learning since my 4 year old has expressed interest. However I played baseball my whole life and never saw or heard of anything like that. However I’m certain of my coach’s reaction. Pitcher with the highest velocity enters the game and exhibits poor control on the inner third of the plate. The other team can continue to be jerks but a few of them would be bruised jerks. Some lessons are hard to learn. Especially if the coach tasked with teaching said lesson doesn’t know it himself. I’m aware that this line of thought is no longer acceptable in baseball but it was tried and true for over 100 years. God Bless America!

quote:

Originally posted by stickman428:
This coach wasn’t looking out for his team. This player in question is not the tallest or even biggest player I have on the roster. There is literally zero reason to make this accusation other than her haircut. I could understand having a player pretend to be a girl and just thrash the other team and how such a thing could be dangerous. This is not even almost close to such a scenario.

Their team has a history of playing more physical than is probably appropriate at this age (8-9) so the accusation is beyond hypocritical. You know it’s not a good environment when one of my parents comes up and says to me “my daughter used to play on his team and we are so glad to be on a different team”.


Shit heads are a part of every sport. To me the most memorable part of the weekend was not all this drama but rather seeing two of my players who seemed lost in practice turn out to be two of our strongest players. It’s going to be a fun season.

Tallest, biggest, or best does not always equate to those that may look like a boy to others.

What do you feel he was trying to gain by making the false accusation?

Granted each response gets more info indicating the fella is a turd and a crap coach but your initial post just seemed to point at him solely accusing a girl of being a boy.

It’s really fun seeing kids that are flower pickers in practice really come alive in the game.

My boy’s best friend is on his soccer team and in practice last year and the first few games he was really aloof, all over the place.
I think he was getting intimidated with all the other kids playing offense and he just naturally dropped himself back a bit. He had to monster blocks on kids that were on a fast break since he was back.
Man talk about a huge boost of confidence and this kid is really going to be a heck of a defensive player.

I applaud you for being coach. I have too many kids and work to much to be the head coach currently. Do the assistant thing and am at pretty much every game and practice.

Don’t let the other coaches get you worked up if it gets you worked up it’ll get the girls worked up.
If it is a safety thing a bit of a different story.

I think he was trying to rattle us. It didn’t work because my girls put on one of the best performances I’ve seen for this age level.

My wife and assistant coach were pissed, well furious might have been a better description. I was annoyed but all it did was make me decide to play an even more aggressive formation which paid dividends. We absolutely owned possession of the ball and momentum the entirety of the game. I had my hands full rotating players around and subbing in fresh players in that awful heat so I didn’t have too much time to focus on that crap.

It’s tough to lose games like that but we did something we didn’t do last year. We won our first game too!!! That was what I primarily focused on after the hard fought loss. I can’t stand back to back double headers. Last year the best we did was come back from a 2 goal defect to tie a game. To win a game 2-0 is a huge step forward! I am glad that I made that the focus of our post game huddle and kept it positive.

In my experience most coaches are great people and very dedicated. It's the parents that are the assholes.

If you have any further contact with the ref or the other coach, I would document everything.

Also, if one party recording is legal where you live (most states it is), I'd record anything and everything with your phone, audio and video if possible, and make a note of any witnesses. People like that will often lie when confronted later or say you are exaggerating. Good to have more than a he said, she said, in any case.

Besides the effect on your team members, how does the girl he accused of being a boy feel about this?

That guy doesn't need to be an authority figure to children and needs a wake up call as do those that put him and keep him there.

It sounds like the other coach did this to get everyone off their game and focused on nonsense and it worked no matter how lame of a move it was.