We’re tiny, etc but for some reason drunks in restaurants like talking about ice cream.

(I dislike intoxication, so I tend to be very clamped down and polite to drunks)

I’m not doing a very good job at it. Either I offend, irritate people, or they want to come to my home.

Hire a scary security guard who by his presence enforces the rules. You can be the nice guy.