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Honky Lips |
Here's the deal, I've been separated from my wife for 2-3 months now. she's willing to go to counseling and says sticking with it would be ideal. However she thinks us working out is a fantasy and claims to be in a good place now. I feel like giving up would betray my vows, but if it's not going to work anyhow what's the point? Also I'm not sure I could be with someone who'd effectively throw me out like this. I wish I could approach this more logically but that's life. With that what say you? EDIT to add information 1 no kids 2 married for 3 years the end of the month but we've been together for a decade 3 she's not hostile, I'm still on her employer health insurance we share phone bill and car insurance. and there are no financial disagreements. | ||
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| Member |
How long have you been married, are there children involved, and are they likely to be disagreements about financial matters? A clinical psychologist might help you and your wife help sort things out. The role of the psychologist is help you understand the nature of your relationship and help the two of you decide whether your differences can be worked out. They do not tell you to divorce or stay together. It can make an eventual divorce much less expensive both emotionally and financially. Both parties have to agree to attend and to be honest, otherwise it is a waste of time. | |||
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| Do No Harm, Do Know Harm |
I would do the counseling before giving up. My other recommendation is that if there aren't kids involved, just cut your losses and walk away. But if there are...definitely do counseling. I didn't know how fucked up my head was until well after a year past my separation. I seeked counseling, because I had to. And I was never a counseling seeking kinda fellow. I just married a woman infinitely better than my exwife. The years surrounding my divorce is a dark chapter of my life I would never want to re-live. I feel for you. Knowing what one is talking about is widely admired but not strictly required here. Although sometimes distracting, there is often a certain entertainment value to this easy standard. -JALLEN "All I need is a WAR ON DRUGS reference and I got myself a police thread BINGO." -jljones | |||
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| Green grass and high tides  |
I wish you the best. Reading your post contains your answer in my mind. "Practice like you want to play in the game" | |||
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| Do No Harm, Do Know Harm |
And if you haven't already, talk to a lawyer, ASAP. You need that info to mentally prepare for what may come. Knowing what one is talking about is widely admired but not strictly required here. Although sometimes distracting, there is often a certain entertainment value to this easy standard. -JALLEN "All I need is a WAR ON DRUGS reference and I got myself a police thread BINGO." -jljones | |||
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| Member |
I think it is worth a visit for assessment. Your insurance should cover some of the cost under the mental health benefit. It is less complicated because there are no children, you are civil with one another and might help the two of you figure out what the issues are and move on if necessary. Some issues are not workable, it depends on how much both parties want to work on their relationship. Psychologists are experts in helping with mediation as well. | |||
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Dean of Law |
I generally recommend counseling. You never know what might happen. It could clear up the decision either way. You guys have been together a long time and married for a reason. I wish you the best. | |||
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| That rug really tied the room together.  |
Sounds like she has moved on and perhaps has a new fling. ______________________________________________________ Often times a very small man can cast a very large shadow | |||
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| Honky Lips |
I can assure you that's not the case. | |||
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Oriental Redneck |
She's giving you/me mixed signals. Willing to go to counseling and sticking with it would be ideal. But then, she flat out told you it's a fantasy trying to work it out. Is she just willing to go through the motion knowing full well she already made up her mind that it ain't gonna work? What does she mean she's in a good place now? Staying separated, but not divorced, forever? Q | |||
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| Leave the gun. Take the cannoli. |
She's checked out and thrown you out. Why would you want to stay with this women. You are very fortunate to know this now and not after you have kids. Retain a good divorce lawyer. | |||
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| Eye on the Silver Lining |
Huh. Interesting. I agree, counseling would be wise, if only to ascertain what happened and where things went wrong. Does she just want to live separately but maintain a relationship? If it's affordable, and you are comfortable with that, what the heck, why not? I'm not really sure what the deal is, only you and she know that. Sharing that with a neutral third party (professional) may offer insight you can't see yourself. I wish I had more to offer, but what you're describing is conflicting info, and hard to base any answer on. __________________________ "Trust, but verify." | |||
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| Quirky Lurker |
The main issue here IMHO is trust. It is very important in a marriage and once lost it is incredibly difficult to recover. Even assuming the counseling works, do you want to go through life waiting for the other shoe to drop? Think about the circumstances surrounding the separation too, how did she handle that? I could not go through life with the nagging thought in the back of my mind every time I went home wondering if the bomb was foing to drop...again. How she handled rhe initial split will indicate her level of respect and care, or lack of, about your feelings. However, if she was respectful and just needed some time to figure things out, and you think she has done that, what would it cost but a few bucks and some time? Although true that without kids you can punch out any time, but would you be happy with yourself if you did that? Even if divorce is a foregone conclusion, as someone who takes his vows seriously, would you be comfortable with yourself if you dont give it a try? Even if it's just a few hours and a couple hundred bucks, an honest conversation with your wife guided by a professional might be worthwhile to determine if there is a chance of reconciliation, to help you decide if you even want one and if the marriage fails, to give you piece of mind that you carefully considered your options before divorcing. 10 years is a long time, but one should never stay in a bad relationship because of the time invested. Since you had to ask the question, I think you should give it a try. Not necessarily to save the marriage, but as an avenue to analyze where you both are. Marriage is tough sometimes, but it shouldnt make you miserable, and if it does, you are better off alone. I think you just need to figure out if this is a normal bump in the road or if there are underlying feelings/issues from which you and your wife cant or dont want to overcome. I wish you luck with the coming decisions.... | |||
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Nosce te ipsum |
Fast and painful, or possibly not too painful. If "separated (is) good place now" then divorced friends will be even better. Sounds like she wants the security of marriage but wants out on everything else. Here in PA you'd sign the papers, a verbal amicable splitting of assets works easiest, and it gets filed. Three months later it hits a judge's desk, and the judge will sign it when they get around to it. A few weeks or six-to-eight at most. When the judge signs, then you deal with health insurance, etc. Three years now for me, and I still help manage things for her and her mom. No big deal, but all good things come to an end. | |||
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| The Velvet Voicebox |
Consider consulting with a lawyer so that you will be knowledgeable to your options whatever may happen. Counseling would be great, and as said before it comes down to what is decided between you & her during and after counseling. But know your options just in case. You may never have to act on options presented to you by a consultation, but be aware of whats available to you. "All great things are simple, and many can be expressed in single words: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope." --Sir Winston Churchill "The world is filled with violence. Because criminals carry guns, we decent law-abiding citizens should also have guns. Otherwise they will win and the decent people will lose." --James Earl Jones | |||
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| Avoiding slam fires  |
She is unhappy about something that caused the split,counseling might help but in most cases not.[speaking experience, first wife] lawyer as soon as possible. | |||
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Tinker Sailor Soldier Pie |
It's not impossible to repair what might seem like an irreconcilable situation. My sister and brother-in-law were on the verge of divorce a few years back after over 20 years of marriage. My sister was done and had her mind made up that she was out the door. She acquiesced a bit though and allowed some time for them both to work it out. Today their marriage couldn't be stronger. Whatever happens, I wish you luck. ~Alan Acta Non Verba NRA Life Member (Patron) God, Family, Guns, Country Men will fight and die to protect women... because women protect everything else. ~Andrew Klavan | |||
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Ammoholic |
This sounds like what I was thinking. Probably a waste of time, but what are you out for trying? A couple hundred bucks is worth it. You may shorten the time to the inevitable or get to root of the problem. I can't really see a downside. Personally I think it would always be in the back of my head that she didn't want me anymore or thought I wasn't good enough and I'd be afraid to come home to dear John letter. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Besides your sense of duties to your vow, do you think it can be worked out? Jesse Sic Semper Tyrannis | |||
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Member |
She's going in with failure on her mind. Pop smoke, protect yourself and move on IMO. | |||
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Member |
I would run, rather now than years from now when it will be a lot harder. | |||
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