Let me begin by saying this is not about any person here. This place is full of exemplary folks.

I was awake last night thinking about stuff. I came to the question of "why are the people in my life so disappointing?" I made the mistake of googling it and according to every psychology page the problem is with me. I expect too much of people. I guess it's too much to expect friends to not steal your stuff. It's too much to expect family to call when they don't need something. It's just too much to expect a borrowed item to be returned in working condition. It's just too much to expect a modicum of class in public places. I just expect too much. I'm the problem.

Is the trick to expect to be screwed avoiding the surprise? How do you deal with constant disappointment?

I have said, only partially tongue-in-cheek, that the only logical approach to life is to be a pessimist: When things go right, it's a pleasant surprise and when things turn to shit it's no more than you expected.

Yep. Google was a mistake. A life without expectations is not worth living. I've discovered that more often than not, the problem is not my expectations but the lack of expectations that has existed before me.

The only caveat is to make sure that your expectations for others and yourself are reasonable. If you do that and accept the fact that when people don't meet reasonable expectations it doesn't have anything to do with you but with their shortcomings your disappointment will subside.

There's not a thing wrong with you, Mark. The problem is with the character of the people in your life. We can't choose our family, but we can definitely choose how much we're around them and how we interact with them. And we can definitely choose our friends. And people showing class in public places? That expectation departed society long ago.

I might be perceived as an ass for writing this post, but I don't have the problems you described. Yet my family and small number of friends still want to hang out with me.

"To be a winner you must avoid the company of losers, for their despair is contagious."

I’ve witnessed children do and say things in front of their parents that wouldn’t have been tolerated by parents of generations past. The Republic is in decline and with it, character, moral and ethics.
There is nothing wrong with your observations..

Not saying this applies to the OP or anybody else here, but I find that letting my expectations be known to people makes it much more likely that they will be fulfilled. This works in reverse too, I prefer to know exactly what people expect of me. Too often, people just hint at something they want to happen (i.e. for you to take care of) without explicitly expressing their desires and expectations.

Since becoming elderly, I try to limit my interaction with most people, regardless of their relationship to me. Thus I have less disappointment.

It sounds like you maybe putting too much expectation on people that don't deserve your trust to begin with. I trust quite a number of my close friends with access to my house and belongings without a second thought.

I can fully rely on my friends and family to assist whenever I need it and I do the same for them regularly.

quote:

Originally posted by architect:
Not saying this applies to the OP or anybody else here, but I find that letting my expectations be known to people makes it much more likely that they will be fulfilled. This works in reverse too, I prefer to know exactly what people expect of me. Too often, people just hint at something they want to happen (i.e. for you to take care of) without explicitly expressing their desires and expectations.

Yes, I can see that as one of my problems. My communication skills are lacking in clarity.

When I do try to make myself clear it still seems to backfire. Recently, I placed an order but explained that I need to know the total before you charge my card. No call. Package arrives with a nice $65 shipping charge added. That's 30% of the product cost. That's disappointing.

Then I took a different item to an authorized repair shop for warranty work. I explained that I haven't worked for a few months so I don't want anything that's not covered. Apparently, the issue was a wear item so it wasn't covered and if I want my item back I need to pay $135. It is something I could have done myself. He also took 7 weeks to finish after promising 2.5 weeks. I'm disappointed.

Those can be forgotten as they're not relatives or friends and I never have to deal with them again. My brother and my wife's sister, on the other hand, seem to keep trying to insert themselves into our lives.

Thanks to you all for not being disappointing.

Mark,

In the couple of examples above this, you stated what you wanted/needed/expected, and did not receive that. I do not find any of those things unreasonable by any measure.

Did you follow up and let them know they failed to follow your requests?

It may not prevent the failed expectation, but in some cases, the "disappointment" is the "lingering effect" of not putting a boot in the ass of people that jerk you around. Taking them to task will go a far way in lessening your frustration.

In other words, you are directing some of this at yourself, and you can do something about that.

You are one of the good ones, and have heart. The paradox, is it is a large and soft target.

Your friend,

sm

If people always did what they were supposed to do, duties imposed by society, or by friendship or by voluntary aceptance of responsibility, I would have had to go to barber college or something, and my brother lawyers as well.

In the commercial world, everyone wants Nordie quality and service, but demands Walmart prices. That’s one reason for the air travel situation. The old style full service carriers went broke because people won’t pay the cost, in favor of Southwest style efficiencies, no food, no frills. There is also an element of anonymity, dealing with a carrier online, or with someone at a call center, not a travel agent. Forget personal service! If you want to dance, someone has to pay the band, unless you can get by with canned music.

As far as friends and relatives, its tough. You don’t get to pick your relatives, and some are always subpar, it seems. Just remember, those friends are someone else’s subpar relatives!

My thoughts:

Since the last economic meltdown/recession/depression/whatever the business world mantra has been "grab it while you can"/ Both big and small businesses, the majority of them anyhow. You and I cannot change that.

On people, I really don't know what to say. It depends on the situation I suppose. If you can remove them from your life, do so. The ones you cannot try to keep at arm's length.

I've found over the years that my friend group has gotten smaller but tighter.

There is a book out there somewhere on this subject, but I can't remember it's name: basically, this is all a problem of of modern communication technology.

By virtually every objective measure, EVERYTHING Is actually getting better....MUCH BETTER...than it has ever been in human history.
Health, nutrition, crime, leisure time, food, income, education levels, lower disease.....you name it.

Yet virtually everyone feels like things are getting worse....because you HEAR about the worst things that have happened anywhere in the world, every day, instantly.

Thanks, CNN!

quote:

Originally posted by sigmonkey:
Mark,

In the couple of examples above this, you stated what you wanted/needed/expected, and did not receive that. I do not find any of those things unreasonable by any measure.

Did you follow up and let them know they failed to follow your requests?

It may not prevent the failed expectation, but in some cases, the "disappointment" is the "lingering effect" of not putting a boot in the ass of people that jerk you around. Taking them to task will go a far way in lessening your frustration.

In other words, you are directing some of this at yourself, and you can do something about that.

You are one of the good ones, and have heart. The paradox, is it is a large and soft target.

Your friend,

sm

I did talk with the sales lady about the excessive shipping charges. She argued instead of offering a solution so she lost my future business.

I haven't picked up my "warranty" item yet but I will explain my disappointment when I do. I'll pay him for his work but will not decide if I'll trust him in the future until I gauge his response.

Attention: this brings me to the other side of the coin. If I've disappointed anyone here please let me know how I can make it right. Seriously. Post here or email me.

I'm disappointed that you didn't send me a Christmas card.

I understand your flustration.

My old boss used to say "Yes, people are constantly living down to my expectations."

I wouldn't say your expectations are unrealistic Mark. It is extremely frustrating when people don't follow through.

I guess my advice might be that if you know what to expect from certain individuals, don't keep trying to convince yourself that "this time" will be different. It usually isn't. Worry about what you can control and change, and let go of the rest.

An example:
My wife found some cheap Southwest tickets and offered to fly her mom down for a visit. The only caveat was that they would have to drive a couple hours to ATL for the flight. That was too big an inconvenience, so she tried to talk my wife into buying her a flight from Knoxville instead at five times the price. My wife was not surprised as this is typical, so she just shrugged it off and said oh well your loss... She couldn't control that response so she let it go.

quote:

Originally posted by PHPaul:
I have said, only partially tongue-in-cheek, that the only logical approach to life is to be a pessimist: When things go right, it's a pleasant surprise and when things turn to shit it's no more than you expected.

I’ve had this approach since about age 16.

I guess my stance is I am here to serve, to try to make things better in some small way each day if I can. The only One who is perfect is God. The rest of us are either trying to be better people or not.

I try to keep the standards high for myself and influence others to do the same, but at the end of the day I can only do me. It is up to them what kind of character they choose. I do challenge my kids to live to a higher standard.

Once in a while I find someone walking the same path, and that is rewarding.
Its one of the best things about this forum, so many good people who refuse to go along with the general degradation of our society today.

You are the standup guy in your circle. Meeting your standards is unfortunately not in the grasp of those around you. They are attracted to you because of your higher standards.

I've finally accepted I'm surrounded by idiots, it's my go to standard. I expect stupid and am generally rewarded richly. I share this thought with a co-worker "this shit (life) is way harder than we think".