My dad was 85 & had a series of small collisions over the preceding 18 months. Resident 500 miles away, when finally I discovered his 20+ year old pickup had another coat of new paint, it was time for a little talk.

Along the way to our little talk, I found an uncashed check from the insurance carrier, paying for his previous claim. He had lost track of an $800 check as well as denying all the collisions. I finally got a little cooperation when I told him "THEY" were going to cancel this check as well as come take his beloved pickup from him unless he gave up his license that very day.

He was diagnosed with a terminal condition the next week and was moved to a resident care facility.

Luckily for me, I don't have any kids to take away my car keys.

I've have told my children and old ball and chain that if they ever tried to pull my driver license there would be hell to pay. If any of them attempts to go behind my back to a doctor or some police officer (that is known to be a family friend) tries to give them a little under the table help. I will have my attorney sue that doctor and will be at the cop shop filing a complaint against the officer.

As far a the kids they will be dropped from my will and if due to their meddling my license gets pulled I'll do the same thing that hundreds of people do that lose their licenses due to driving impaired or unpaid fines----drive without a license!!!!

My father always told me there are two things in life that are very hard to do late in life.

One is admit that you are old. Things don't work the same and physical reaction, judgement, they're just not the same.

Two is give up your driving license. It's a certain freedom/luxury that is too often taken for granted.

I hope I'm humble enough to admit these things before they are told to me.

Cheers~

2 years back, my mom who lives alone came down with onset dementia and had a couple mild strokes.

She insists on living in her house and was non cooperative before any of this.

While we were assessing her situation and getting her the help and doctors she needed, she was driving and... minor accidents.

She was a poor driver before this, and now she was not road worthy at all.

Her doctor pulled her license without us needing to ask and I spiked her car and took the keys.

Then... the DMV sent her an auto renewal letter!!!

WTF?!

She showed it to us and insisted that she would drive again.

I destroyed the letter, called the doctor and insured her license was terminated. I also had her register her car as planned non op and had her insurance modified similarly.

She still insists she can drive, but she gets lost, can't process conversations, forgets short term everything, occasionally is completely out of it and then back to normal and... she likes to drink.

She argued she didn't care and could still drive, but that's the myopic focus they have. I told her it wasn't her we were worried about, it was the innocent she killed/maimed that we were worried about.

She dismissed our argument as only the self centered can.

Being a never wrong in her life person, keeping her out of her car is the only option.

On a related subject, make sure you have your parents (and other relatives as needed) legal documents in order, signed and notarized.
This needs to be done while they are still able to legally sign. Things like living will, healthcare POA, POA over other affairs if possible, wills, etc.
My experience is that this is much easier the earlier you get it done. Most reasonable people of sound mind understand but when they get closer to needing it, it gets much harder if not impossible.

With my father, he was OK until the last few months. They were living with me then, and I made it a point to be happy to drive him, and he was OK with it.

I was dealing with a lot at work, and regret not letting the company go to hell to spend more time with him, but it was a way to spend time with him.

A couple of years ago I dealt with a crash where the 88 year old driver of a vehicle that was parked,(correctly at a 45 degree angle) outside the Post office reversed in a complete semi-circle, ending up jumping the curb and hitting the wall of a building about 35 feet down the street with the rear of his car, which stopped him. By the grace of God he hit neither people nor vehicles while out of control. When I arrived he had to be helped from the car as he could not stand without assistance.

I asked him what had happened and he told me that 'his feet got tangled up in the pedals'.

His vehicle was totaled, and there was in excess of 10k of damage to the building.

I wrote him for careless driving, and submitted his details for a driver evaluation by the state.

The ticket was dropped by the prosecutor and the State refused to take his license. AFAIK, he's still out there, driving.

Having the difficult conversation and associated actions is a lot easier than having to deal with him killing someone else or himself.

BTDT. Maybe I'm just a heartless SOB.

My dad turned 88. The doc told him to stop driving. My mom hid his license and keys. He was touchy for a while about it and eventually relented.

I no longer let my mother drive since she was 83-84. We let her DL expire. While I'm willing to driver her to all her appointments and do all her shopping or take her shopping, she still likes to tell people "dsiets doesn't let me drive anymore".
Thanks mom.
Me? I'd love to have someone be me my driver.

quote:

Not looking forward to the hard conversation, looking to see how other members have had to handle this situation?

Yes, wife, dementia. It can be tough. What to say. that depends on you, your father and your relationship. Remember if it turns bad, all the anger coming at you isn't about you. Don't take it personal.

Don't forget to take him back to DMV for a state issued (picture) ID. Good Luck.

My Mom's driving career ended due to dementia. She was driving in the fast lane (mostly) between 40 & 45 on a (fortunately) rural interstate. Unmarked state cop tried to pull her over but she claimed she didn't see the blue lights in his grille. He got marked back-up and two of them followed her into her driveway. She was so irate she kicked one of them. Pulled her license on the spot. Saved my brother or me from dealing with it.

It gets better though. My brother was a state rep and a committee chairman at the time. Mom INSISTED he use his position to get her license reinstated. He called someone he knew at the Dept. of Safety and explained the situation. He said he could almost feel the guy sweating waiting for that shoe to drop. Instead, he told the guy he wanted him to make sure there was NO way Mom could ever get her license back.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Blackmore,

Much appreciate everyones experiences and insight, I'm working on getting myself into the right frame of mind to deal with some of the more difficult aspects of my parents aging. My Dad can be a bit OCD with certain things, they should be dialed-in on their financial and legal affairs regarding their passing however, that'll need to come up and reviewed.

We took Dads vehicle and took it to our house. My stepmother called a few days later, someone took them to Grand Island and they bought a new car as they forgot our agreement. 2 months later and 3 fender benders, we contacted Dads doctor and he contacted the state. They pulled his license and the local cops came by and took it. I arranged for a day nurse until my stepmother died a few months later. It was difficult but the right thing to do.

My dad is 84 and blind in one eye. He only drives during the day and in his town. Won’t drive anywhere else. Back in November he sold one of his Subaru’s knowing that he was close to only needing one car.

He will give up his license without a fight but it will likely be when he is ready to give it up

quote:

I've have told my children and old ball and chain that if they ever tried to pull my driver license there would be hell to pay. If any of them attempts to go behind my back to a doctor or some police officer (that is known to be a family friend) tries to give them a little under the table help. I will have my attorney sue that doctor and will be at the cop shop filing a complaint against the officer.

As far a the kids they will be dropped from my will and if due to their meddling my license gets pulled I'll do the same thing that hundreds of people do that lose their licenses due to driving impaired or unpaid fines----drive without a license!!!!

Well, you've got the right SigForum moniker. Dear sir, I am truly happy not to be a member of your family.
BTW they'll take your guns too.

My mother had dementia, that was progressing to the point that she could only drive certain routes and if she took a wrong turn, would become lost. She also lived alone, and refused any offers to relocate with any of her kids (5 of us). She said if we were concerned about her, we could move to where she lived and find work there. Her changes were progressing to the point that we were suggesting that she sell the house and move to a retirement community that provided support to allow maintaining an individual cottage type house. Her Suburban (she felt that driving a large vehicle would protect her) mysteriously developed mechanical mechanical problems when my brother visited her, and she didn't know how to have it repaired. My brother mentioned that there were all kinds of ways to sabotage a car to make it stop running. She sold her house and moved into the retirement community shorty after.

In my case it's not a relative I'm worried about--it's about me. I am 82 and had an accident a few months ago where I T-boned a pickup truck. It was the other driver's fault--he ran a red light in front of me--but I knew I was up to renew my license and worried about it. I've been to the DMV and went through the procedure and am currently driving on a temporary license--the real one hasn't come yet. I live alone and the ability to drive is very important to me. It is a situation that does concern me.

flashguy

quote:

Originally posted by V-Tail:
I'm 84. The FAA just renewed my Flight Instructor certificate (this needs to be done every two years).

I don't need anyone to drive me to the airport. Yet.

I remember the uproar when one of the Great Pilots of all time Bob Hoover got grounded at the age of 79:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Hoover

I guess it comes at a different point for different people. I'm glad to hear you are still able to fly. Maybe Hoover was too bold a pilot......

On the other hand I appreciate this thread. Was just talking with my Mom yesterday about how to get my Crazy Aunt off the road. I'm praying she doesn't kill somebody before we figure out how to!