Could have been titled life without your loved one.

What is there after one goes away ?

Especially after the hill is behind you now.

"Why bother " is my current state of mind.

36 years of very good memories won't fill the giant void.

30 year olds telling me to think positive ain't gonna make it

I don't think I know what you're facing, bendable, but I'm offering up prayers for you.

Memories will be enough to at least patch the void. But you have to some out the other side first. Easier for me to say it than for you to do it, I know.

Bendable, you've been here long enough to know you are not alone. You have friends. Reach out.

Reach out to people Bendable, you’ll be surprised in what you think are your lowest darkest moments a friend you least expect will be there. I’ve been there I know, I also know it sounds easier than it is.
Prayers,
Hang in there,
Spunk

Live for you bendable. The stuff you love doing is still there. The folks you write about are still around. Reach out. You have fans here and all around you. You’re a good dude.

You’ll need to elaborate on this a bit more. Is this a philosophical question or something more specific that has happened?
A lot of us may be facing a situation if I understand the question.
Help us out.

36 of my 65 years have been shared with a a pretty special wonderful lady.

She is 16 years my senior.

As positive,hopeful and grateful for our time together as I am.
I absolutely dread the thought of a future without her.

It a source of anxiety and tension on a frequent basis.

I worry about her and her safety whenever she goes on her own.

She's going away for six weeks to visit family and friends
In the spring.

I am staying home here in tiny town.

My torment has already begun.
What if, what if, what if
This that and the other stuff.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: bendable, July 22, 2022 07:19 PM

Quit thinking about the what if"s and think positive thouhts.. All caring friends here. reach out and the family here will answer. ............ drill sgt.

Six weeks is a long time and a certain amount of anxiety probably can't be avoided. It'll sound lame, but staying busy is probably the only solution likely to offer any real relief. An idle mind often stays busy going in directions that are hard to control. Could even be an opportunity to do something you have always wanted to do.

Read up on separation anxiety in adults.

quote:

Originally posted by bendable:
36 of my 65 years have been shared with a a pretty special wonderful lady.

She is 16 years my senior.

As positive,hopeful and grateful for our time together as I am.
I absolutely dread the thought of a future without her.

It a source of anxiety and tension on a frequent basis.

I worry about her and her safety whenever she goes on her own.

She's going away for six weeks to visit family and friends
In Feb/March

I am staying home here in tiny town.

My torment has already begun.
What if, what if, what if
This that and the other stuff.

Bendable, I’m in a similar situation, only we are 17 years behind you. I am 47 and my wonderful wife is 62. We have been together for 19 years. I was recently thinking about what if she was gone. It makes my eyes get watery. She went to California for a long weekend to visit her friend a few weeks ago. It was really great the first day. I had pizza and beers. But come the second day, I started to miss her.
So I started to get things done that I never seem to have time for. I got the tires on the Jeep rotated. I went and shopped air chucks for filling them, I went to the grocery store and bought some stuff that looked tasty, as I had planned a really nice meal. Then I didn’t want to cook the really nice meal, because it was just for me.
That’s when I stopped and thought to myself, I’m a pretty great guy. Why don’t I deserve a great meal. So I cooked and had quite the tasty meal. While it was just a five day weekend, I realized I had to fill the void with doing something I love. So I did.
I also looked forward to the random text messages throughout the day, and every evening, we would have a FaceTime call. (FaceTime is an app on the iPhone where you can have a video call and see each other when you call). Having the ability to FaceTime and see her, and know she was okay, made a huge difference. I could see she was happy and I could see her smile and that was great.
On her way home, she got lost. Google sent her off of I-10 up some county road that would have gone over terrible mountain passes that she is afraid to drive. She pulled over and called me. I used “find my iPhone” to locate her, and was able to tell her what location to put into Google maps to get her back to I-10 and headed the correct direction.
Life is full of anxiety. You just have to navigate around a lot of it. Squandering your time worrying about what if your spouse dies, inhibits you from making the best of the time you have with her now. Women are very intuitive. I am sure she knows you have this fear, and it probably weighs heavy on her. Get up and live the day for what it is. Dwelling on what could happen in the future, is wasting the precious time you have today.
Go tell her how much you love her, give her a big hug, and make some awesome memories.

You have my email. Feel free to reach out anytime you want. I’m happy to give you my cell number too.

Most of us married couples are in the same boat. The older you get, coupled with health issues, brings it to the forefront. Rationally, everyone will or has gone through it. It is a wound like any others. In time it will scab and heal and you will have a scar. Others will be able to see the wound and will attempt to take advantage.
Grief is the price we pay for love. Take solace in the fact you did not cause this pain to her.

I talk tough but I know my time is coming soon, and that, is it's own special form of grief.
It is true focusing on what is coming detracts from the time you still have. I don't have any advice on ignoring it.

Best of luck

Every moment you torture yourself by "what ifs" is one less of all the precious moments you have that you could be spending on literally anything else.

There are professionals that can help you "reset" your focus. Please seek them out.

As to loss, it comes for us all. There is no shame in grieving and plenty of help to get through the process. But there is no reason to jump the gun on the grieving process. And while I don't want to alarm you, I can tell you from personal experience the reality of the situation is nothing at all like what you think it is. Please, please get help with this if you can't do it yourself. I mean, you wouldn't remove your appendix yourself right (well, maybe you would, you are bendable right) but my point is that there is no shame at all in seeking help for a situation beyond your ability to fix, and there is no shame at all in having the inablilty to fix something. No one can do it all.

quote:

Originally posted by bendable:
I absolutely dread the thought of a future without her.

My wife and I are of an age--both seventy-one. So, naturally, such thoughts begin to occur now and then, but...

quote:

Originally posted by bendable:
It a source of anxiety and tension on a frequent basis.

Don't buy trouble. All you're doing by allowing such thoughts to intrude on a frequent basis is to take the joy of what time you have now.

quote:

Originally posted by bendable:
I worry about her and her safety whenever she goes on her own.

That's normal, my man, at pretty much any age. She has the same thoughts when I leave and she stays.

You really have to find a way not to let such thoughts dominate your life.

I don't know whether it'll be her or me, first. On the one hand I cannot imagine life without her. OTOH: I would hate to leave her without me. That actually seems worse: Leaving her alone.

I don't dwell on it. We have now. Que sera, sera.

Boy, you have received some really good advice here. Everyone is, or will be, in the same situation...dealing with the loss of a loved one or them dealing with your loss.

I'm 75 and my wife is 72. We have been married 42 years now. I know my years are numbered and have taken the steps to make that transition easier for her. Outside of that, I honestly don't worry about it much. Our daughter and her family are close and the wife is very active with them and our grandaughters. They will all take care of each other in some way and things will work out.

If my wife should go before me, well, I will deal with that when the time comes. It's all about perspective. You are the one who controls your perspective.

So she is 81? These are real fears, and I understand to an extent. My parents are in their early 80’s, and I try to do quite a bit to make life a bit more comfortable for them (completely mobile and competent adults, but I lost a brother at a young age, and have pretty much hovered around them since, checking in daily with 1 if not both and physically visiting 4-5/week when they’re in town.
They have been around my ENTIRE life and I dread losing them. They have been wonderful to me. That said, they do their thing, spend winters elsewhere, and come home in summer.

Feb is a long way off, much can happen before then. Also, embrace the fact that she is healthy, mobile, and interested in life and connecting with family. This shows a vibrant personality that has no intention of leaving earth anytime soon If it truly is consuming you with fear, is there any way you could go for the tail end of the trip, perhaps, to see that she is happy and safe and make the return trip with her?

Separation anxiety is a real thing, and perhaps a counselor could work with you as a couple during the intervening months to make you more comfortable with this extended visit.

FaceTiming daily is what I do with my spouse and child when we aren’t/can’t be together, and it does a lot to allay concerns.
Please try and remember to embrace today. We can lose our loved ones at any time. Enjoy her company right now.
I hope this helps.

quote:

Originally posted by bendable:
"Why bother " is my current state of mind.

Short answer? Because you matter as an individual, not just as a couple. I'm 67, my wife would have been 74. She died of lung cancer 10 years ago and for 2 years before that I knew it was going to happen. Every minute it didn't was worth a lifetime. Cherish the now, the future's going to happen whether you worry about it or not. My email's in my profile and I'd be more than happy to chat if you care to.

On the bright side, I haven't been wrong about anything in 10 years

"Also, embrace the fact that she is healthy, mobile, and interested in life and connecting with family. This shows a vibrant personality"

Still vibrant ,no doubt.
Healthy and mobile is another matter.
She is type 2 diabetic.
She is 30 lbs over weight and her meds cause her balance and
Cognitive issues.

She is in denial about her abilities or lack thereof .

If she falls and breaks a hip,
Her greatest fear will have her in a nursing home.

Her exuberant independence was a big part of my attraction too her.
Now it's biting me in the ass.

Yes I know Iam being selfish ,wanting her not to leave.
She truly deserves all the happiness that this vacation will bring her,

But my concern for her well being far out weighs my heartache.

If I could afford it I'd go get a motel in Mesa and yucaipa to help her .

But that ain't happening without a lottery win.

Your offers of me bending your ears are a comfort and appreciated. Thank you

I guess ,after some discussion,
We are going to research a rental apt in Mesa for me only.

She would commit to staying in Mesa if we decided to drive down instead of her flying down.

So
Mesa, Apache Junction or Gilbert members,
If you know of a reasonably priced place in a safe neighborhood.
Please feel free.
To let me know

This message has been edited. Last edited by: bendable, July 23, 2022 09:48 AM

While Mesa and Apache Junction have some safe areas, Gilbert is much better and safer and only slightly more expensive and while I looked at Mesa and A.J. years ago, I decided Gilbert was a better place to live.

You might want to look into it.