Please don’t read this post as anything but humble from me. I don’t feel like I’ve done some good thing, I am simply realizing I’ve always been fucked up.

At 42, and in my current position, I’m quickly learning my faults and almost seeing them from someone else’s perspective.

My personality is a tough pill to swallow. It’s been demonstrated multiple times on this forum. I’m stubborn, quick to dismiss others opinions and thoughts, only value the opinions of those I feel are more intelligent than I am. That’s a tough one to admit. I’m lazy at times. I always want things my way, which is big with my wife of course.

Recently someone told me that, “when you are always away from home, your spouse runs the house. So when you come home, it’s their house, you’re just entering it”. This was very recent but GD if it ain’t wise. It hit me like a brick. My wife runs our house. I can’t come home and have shit my way because I’m not there all day. I haven’t been at any point during our relationship because of my career. I can contribute, but I will be No. 2 in charge. Nothing against my manhood, which is the way I took it before. It’s just the situation.

I’ve also come to realize, my biggest flaw is that when something doesn’t go as I’ve envisioned, I think it’s someone else’s fault. I’m can’t predict the future. If we don’t arrive on time it’s mot my wife’s fault, or the kids fault, or the other driver’s on the roads fault. It’s just the way shit goes. This is only one example but it demonstrates how I get upset.

I’m not in therapy or anything but I’m learning a lot about myself lately. I assume it’s just me getting older. I don’t know any adages about it, but it feels as if I’m figuring things out too late. Marriages, children, relationships.

I read today that one should not respond to someone with a similar story about themselves but just shut up and listen. I’ve never known how to respond except to try and relate. But I’m thinking that is me trying to make the conversation about myself and not the person I’m speaking with. Arrogance? Conceited? Selfish? I don’t know. Maybe some of all of it. I’m gonna try to stay quiet more often and just listen.

I don’t know how to encapsulate exactly what I’m trying to say. I think at the end of the day I hope I figure it out before it’s too late. 42 isn’t old. Maybe this is the normal path and I’m not behind the curve. If anything, I am more excited about the idea to be a better father, husband, and friend. Before I think I would have been very dismissive of these realizations, especially as a young adult.

Had a conversation with my wife about this last night. It was a really good talk. More so than my wife, while that relationship is important, I hope my relationship with my kids can improve. My two oldest are closing in on 18 and I look forward to being there for them as adults.

Lastly, the toughest for me to say out loud is this. I have come to realize that children very often imitate their parents when they themselves become parents. When I realized that I was happy my first born, my son, has spent enough time away from me that he will not be like me. He’s an amazing kid and I couldn’t be more proud of him. He’ll be a way better father than I ever could. My daughter is just like me so one day she’ll probably post something exactly like this .

Anyways, it’s tough coming to the realization that you’re not as great, smart, above others as you think you are. But it feels good to finally realize it and plan a change.

Yall might not even need that realization (as in you didn’t develop my flaws) or you figured it out years ago. But I appreciate you listening and I’d love to hear your perspective and experiences.

With age come wisdom. Wisdom comes from failures.

Am I perfect? - No.
Will I try to do something to fix that? - Also no.

Self-reflection and awareness is good. None of us is perfect, and I definitely share some of those same flaws, so I get it.

From reading your posts here I've always believed you to be someone who actually does give a shit and wants to do the right thing. I'm happy for you that you're getting a chance to think through stuff, and even moreso the fact that you're talking it through with your wife. Mine has definitely had to put up with a lot over the years, and I've given her plenty of reasons to have to call me out on stuff, but we're always best when we're having those conversations and on the same page. Sometimes I'm just an idiot and can't see how my behavior is being perceived, and she needs to just tell me. And then I need to listen.

When she and I are good, it makes the whole family dynamic better for the kids, too.

quote:

Originally posted by OttoSig:
My wife runs our house. I can’t come home and have shit my way because I’m not there all day. I haven’t been at any point during our relationship because of my career. I can contribute, but I will be No. 2 in charge.

Mr. Otto, I take this as a positive. My pal WP, career Army, taught me long ago: "train your people up, for one day you won't be there, for one reason or another." In my own terms, it's known as "running the system." You're in a good spot, I think, because your wife can (and does) "run the system."

That's HUGE to me, in terms of my own past. In past relationships, I've run the system. All of it. And when I would have to be away for a while I'd have to 1) leave a detailed list of what needed to be done, and 2) worry whether it would get done. It sounds to me like you have neither of those concerns. And that's a great thing, in my opinion.

During my time with TLG (The Lovely Girlfriend) I have learned that she absolutely CAN run the system. She runs hers, solidly. And when I need help getting something done, she's 100% capable of either a) helping or b) getting it done. I'm frickin' overjoyed about that, and a good bit relieved.

It's my belief that when your mate can run the system in a manner consistent with the way you'd run it, or can run it smoothly and successfully without your input, then it's a success. Congratulations, sir!

quote:

Originally posted by 92fstech:
Sometimes I'm just an idiot and can't see how my behavior is being perceived, and she needs to just tell me. And then I need to listen.

This probably ought to be included in the list of Universal Truths for Men (even if we don't want to admit it out loud).

Age is a remarkably good teacher, and if you are smart, you only stop learning when you die.

I have always respected you, and appreciate your posts. It seems that given your new role, you are now a teacher. Teaching shows you a lot about yourself, and lets you see things in others that you did not see before. Both of my parents were school teachers. I can say this from looooonnnnnngggggg experience.

Writing this at 42 is a good thing. You haven't experienced shit yet. Recognizing things at 42 is nice. One thing I can guaran-fucking-tee is that you will have at least three more of these epiphanies before you hit 70. Been there done that.

"What stands in the way becomes the way."

Marcus Aurelius

I remember when it occurred to me that I’m selfish. It stopped me dead in my tracks and as I reflected on my various relationships and the damage I had done over the years, I mourned for what I had done. I have spent the decades since, repairing relationships and learning to be selfless.

So I understand when you say you have had some unsettling introspection. I think it’s admirable that you accept what you have been and are willing to be refined.

I was married for 13 years.

I am absolutely intimately acquainted with every last fault I have.

I don't care.

We all have faults but self awareness is the key to personal growth. I travelled hard for 15 most of my career averaging 150+ hotel stays. My wife and I have had a deal that everything from the curb in falls under her command, and everything curb out falls under my command. Need new tires I have it under control, need a new furnace and she’s got it squared away. We have lived apart for multi-month stretches of time and while it wasn’t easy, we found ways to make it work.

I got deep into stoicism a few years back and it helped me in so many ways. I don’t sweat the things I can’t control and control the things I can. My grandmother used to tell me I should listen more than I talk, it’s the reason God gave you one mouth and two ears. I’ve also become more interested in the journey and less in the destination.

The fact that you are becoming more self aware is great. I hope you and your family have a Merry Christmas!

It’s a cliché to say that the first step in correcting a problem is recognizing that it exists, but a saying becomes a cliché because the saying is true. Best to you in resolving it.

Your post did, however, prompt me to ponder the question a little based on what you’ve told us elsewhere about your military career and what I’ve personally identified with in this post.

Although there are exceptions to almost any characterization, military personnel in general tend to develop certain similar personalities. Most military personnel often don’t have the luxury of dithering and indecisiveness, or as the old saying puts it, “Do something, even if it’s wrong!” Because we become accustomed to making decisions quickly and firmly, and which are usually correct (or we wouldn’t have our jobs for long), that tends to affect our way of looking at and dealing with other aspects of life: “I’m right, and if you disagree, you’re the one who is wrong.” I also believe that sort of personality is more likely develop in people in leadership positions.

I have been retired from the Army for a long time and have mellowed a lot because I’m no longer teaching and leading other soldiers, but I still have a much lower tolerance for certain types of stupidity and incompetence than I believe I would have if I hadn’t been profoundly shaped by a military career. I’ve been accused of being a snob, and yes, I am for any number of reasons. I’ve learned to somewhat modify how I express myself, but that doesn’t change what I think.

But if we recognize what we consider to be a fault and want to change, it certainly can be possible. Again all the best.

OttoSig…. It may be a good time to find a church with a focus on discipleship/at least read the small Catechism and Screwtape Letters/The Abolition of Man.

Step 1 (of the 12) is rigorous honesty - i.e. the biggest problem you have is you.

At 46, I had to spend most of a year in a recovery program in order to be taught/absorb/put into action the very realizations you are now pondering. Don’t be like me.

Once you understand that our default position is “broken”, then you can begin to build your life from there.

Keep pursuing this, Otto. Keep pursuing that one thing that is greater than you, that is truly in control.