quote:

Originally posted by esdunbar:
Funny you say that still. My dad did very well in life. My mother wants for nothing, but all she does is complains. It's crazy. She can buy whatever she wants, she's surrounded by great things, but she is always mad about something.

I personally think she watches waaaaaaay too much Fox News and it gets her going. Their closest house is 4.5 hours away from mine and most of the year they're down in Florida...and when she's at my house, she's complaining about something instead of playing with my kids. makes me shake my head.

I don't know how that woman could possibly be depressed, but what you're saying sounds familiar.

nosler...same man. My Dad is my best friend. We're ridiculously close. We worked together for 12 years with our offices next door. Now that he's retired, I miss him tremendously.

I just want so badly for it to stop and us enjoy our time together.

Probably 75% of the clinically Depressed folks I've ever known seem and are like someone who has no real reason to be sad or depressed. That is the norm, not the exception. Half of those I know who are clinically Depressed are rather well off, from plenty comfortable to literally wealthy, and now that I'm 50 and ask around to most of my friends/etc, an astonishingly large number have similar issues/Rx/etc.

I've no idea whether your mom is or isn't, but I do know that a single daily dose of the mildest dose of Lexipro they offer quite literally just erased about 80% of the inner-asshole or depressed type things I'd otherwise think or say, to the point of realizing way back that, omfg, I was an extra fucking dick before.

Depression of the clinical sort doesn't give a shit about your income, life circumstances, or surroundings. It affects the rich, poor, men, women, and children alike, black, white, brown and the rest. I wasted 20yrs of better moods and happiness by waitng so long to get help. $25/mo literally changed my life.

In my late 40s.

The stigmas and misunderstandings leave quite literally millions of people suffering every single day. Now, some folks are just mean and have no real excuse. And discerning the difference is incredibly hard. Even professionals are bad at it. Family memebers and friends even worse, usually, untrained and biased.

Like an alcoholic or something, one must be self-aware enough to be real and admit there's something wrong, and to seek help. My friends and family who love and know me the best/most were ALL wrong, all along, and in what was no doubt well intended - most always said I was fine, surely not "depressed".

The human brain, emotions and the rest, are barely understood even now in the 21st century. I've seen specialists (Psychiatrists and Psychologists), in three states and four large cities, and they barely know what's up, and all of whom have expressed empathy as they told me such themselves, more than once.

Best of luck. I'd only wish this on the vilest of enemies.

konata's post makes a lot of sense.

Siblings. I get along great with them and love each of them completely.
Now if they could just get along with each other that would be great. I don’t expect that to happen anytime soon.
I just hope they live long enough to realize that all the emotional baggage they carry is weighing them down too much.

Yes, my daughter about 14 years ago. I've seen my grandson (13) 3 times and haven't gotten any response when I've reached out, ever. SUX .

Seems to me that life is just too short for all the grief and heartache. Family members or no. I've got two SIL's that absolutely drive me crazy. I avoid them at all costs.

There must be more than one lake in Ohio. Maybe take the family there.

I know you were not looking for advice but sometimes I just can't help myself.

Mine got solved. World's worst bil but sis toughened up after the kid graduated college and put the bum out.

Some people are always miserable. STOP worrying about your mother and ignore what she says. SHe's an old lady.....old people get that way. IGNORE IT.

Easier said than done, Jimmy. You have only one mother, and no one can know the true nature of the relationship between a mother and her children. No two relationships are alike.

For myself, there are no feuds and were no feuds, but most of my family is now gone, and those who remain, I've cut out of my life. I'm not angry about anything and I wish them no ill will, but I have my reasons. I'm comfortable with the choices I've made. My wife and her family- they are my family now.

In my generation, we grew up watching the Cleaver family and the like on TV, and the result was that a lot of us thought that our own families were a mess, but the truth is that there are no perfect families. All families have problems, and when you get a little older and you start talking to people- in conversations such as we're having now- you realize that this kind of thing is not at all uncommon, and you realize that there's always someone else who grew up more screwed up than you.

You can't choose your blood relations, but you can choose your friends- your "family of affiliation" as therapists say- and those friends can be your real family, because you can pick and choose them at your discretion.

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” -Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina



.

My big kid hasn’t spoken to his mother since his 18th birthday, when I went to collect him from high school.....

He finally figured out what kind of bad person she was. His half brother was disowned by her last year.

Initially I advised him to at least call her on her birthday and Xmas, and stressed he only has one mother...he told me phones work both ways and refuses to speak to or even about her.

Honestly it’s for the better. She has ruined any relationship she ever was in. And it’s her fault. It took me a lot to figure it out when I was married to her-but if we didn’t have a kid I’d have dropped her much earlier.

I never said it was easy, but it's all mindset. My family is the same way. My mom has always had some THING for her 1 sister. She gets along fine with the other sister. (They're all blood sisters, no in laws). One sister lives 2.5 hours away the other 1 hour. Growing up each would do 1 holiday per year(Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas) and the other 2 families would go to the 1 sisters house. It was nice, you saw all of you aunts/uncles/cousins 3 times a year. WELL, everytime we'd go to THE aunt's house, my mom would pick something or pick a fight.....sometimes in the first 5 minutes of getting there, other times in the first 30-50 minutes....This has gone on for all 43 years of my life.....I used to get upset.....I used to ask her to stay.....now it is what it is.....she drives 1hr there, picks a fight in 5 minutes and drives an hour home, at this point in life so be it. I don't let other people's drama bother me.....It's not easy and took me a long time to realize that you can't change the spots on a leapord.

Either that, or don't go, or let the kids decide if they want to go.

jimmy, you're talking about the man's mother. Strained relationship or not, you're talking about his mother, saying things like "Just ignore her, she's an old lady." That's not cool. Take it easy. You may think these things you're saying are comforting, but you need to be cool.

Yep. I posted about it about before, but the short version is my father is unwelcome around me or my family. It's been like this for nearly five years now, and it will probably stay that way. My son will grow up without knowing him, and though sad, it is the best thing for our family for a boatload of reasons.

Tanner, that's a cool theory, but it doesn't address people who are consistently abusive, manipulative, and toxic in the present. Suffering from the memories? Only when the person who made those memories is present. I sure as shit didn't imagine all the horrible things the man did.

All too common, unfortunately. In years past, families hid these things away as being shameful. Beginning in the 1980s, this started to change when therapy became more acceptable and not taken as a sign that you were a nutcase. Once that happened, people became more open and it turned into "You, too? I thought I was the only one who felt this way."

tanner, that's heavy, man. Quite profound.

Yes. My father. Haven't seen nor spoken to him for 14 years. He still communicates with my elder sister. He left us when I was about 6 or 7 y/o. He started a new family. The fucked up thing is he bought a house 2 blocks from us (I shit you not) and raised 2 boys. Growing up, playing with my neighborhood friends, I would sometimes see him drive by with his family (mistress and first son, about a year old). My friends always tease me saying my dad have another family. Growing up in that neighborhood was very tough on me. My mom have no other choice but to work overseas (USA) so she can financially support me and my sister and send us to school (all the way to college).

Anyway, I migrated to the the U.S. about 30 years ago to be reunited with my mom. About 20 years ago, I sponsored my dad to come here to the U.S. My intention (hope) was that we can patch things up between the two of us (father and son). But it turned out to be a HUGE mistake. He stayed with us for few months and moved out. We worked here for about 10 years and decided to return back to the Philippines and retire. We had a serious talk about 14 years ago. I told him how I felt after he left us when I was 6 or 7. I asked him why? He never offered and explanation, or even an apology. I guess he did not really care about us.

So yeah. I don't think that I will ever see or hear from him ever. Even though deep in my heart, part of me is still hoping that he can still be a part of my family's life. There are times I ask my sister if she still talk to our father. She does. But she never mention that he asked about me or my family.

quote:

Originally posted by VonFatman:

funerals are for the living. there is not a single person alive who would come to her services that i care to see let alone visit with.

^^^ You're not alone.

You have two options when dealing with toxic people.
1. Let them infect your life with misery, or
2. Let them live their miserable life while you eliminate them from yours.

My mother was crazy, aS a child I was the adult in the household when I was elementary aged. I started work at 10 so I could eat. A filled fridge was so rare it was Christmas only. And she blackmailed me for my work money at 10 on. Oh the lights are going to get cut off if you don’t give me some of your money. Or we are going to get evicted if, or this or that. It was always something. She continued this predatory tactic, mooching off whomever would go for it, convinced the world owed her something. When I found out she had tried to con a man of the cloth out of some money, that was that man. I was done. Haven’t spoken to her in years and never will. Father was everything but. Cut him off 20 years ago. Wasn’t a big deal, he was never around. Maybe 6 weeks of my entire life. He passed 8 weeks ago. Zero fucks given.

Some get great parents. Some get just the opposite. You have to live your own life. My take is if someone is bad for you, kin, friends, whatever, you don’t need them in your life. I forgave them for my lack of a childhood and their bullshit a long long time ago. I just wish to never deal with either of them as it was just drama I didn’t need. Some people will take you down with them if you let them. Life is much too short for non-medical drama. Same goes for friends with me. If they start trying to take you down with them or make their own problems, they caused, your problems, time to cut bait. First time is a warning. You keep it up I’m ghosting. Loyalty is a big thing for me. You stab me in the back I’ve got shit to do. You are gone.

It sometimes boils down to, You love your family, But, do you like them?

My mother was a great person. I never met anyone who did not like and respect her.

I understand that my father was also a wonderful guy; he died a couple months after my fifth birthday, so I never really knew him except by reputation.

Seven years after my father's death (I was twelve at the time), my mother re-married. Her second husband seemed like a good guy, until shortly after the marriage, he dropped the disguise and revealed his true self -- an alcoholic abusive son of a bitch.

I put up with the abuse for four years. As soon as I graduated from high school (I was seventeen) I left that household and never returned. My mother came to visit me a few times; she knew that she was always welcome and I loved her, but other than those few short visits, I never saw her for the rest of her life, because I would not go anywhere near her second husband. I believe that she understood, although we never really spoke about it.