Tom and I have been close friends for the last forty years… We forged a strong bond as Air Force roommates, worldwide for years. Subsequently, we worked together at a defense contractor, then a medical device manufacturer. We’ve often lived in close proximity over the years.

Over the last few years, he has developed a medical condition which causes him to “lose time”. For example, he will find himself in a store with no recollection of going there or why he was there. He is under the care of a neurologist and has been prescribed Kepra to minimize these “seizures” as they’re called. The prognosis is not good. It’s quite possible during the next 5-10 years the frequency of these seizures will increase and Tom will slowly slip away.

Tom is currently undergoing divorce proceedings, after a short marriage. He has two sisters but has asked me to make decisions for him when he is no longer able to. I’m inclined to accept this responsibility unless there are compelling reasons not to.

Thanks in advance for the forthcoming insight and advice.

Get a good lawyer that specializes in the field of elder care and estate planning and let them advise you. Creating a trust for his assets with you as a trustee is probably going to be recommended to avoid the family from trying to get control, along with the requisite financial and medical powers of attorney. It's probably going to cost a couple grand, but you want something air tight.

I would agree with that. I would also suggest a video tape of him in the right setting explaining his intentions and reasoning. The Attorney might think that is good or not necessary. The planning and couple of sessions with the attorney will take a bit of doing. But is well worth it. All so the his wishes are executed when that time comes. You must be a good friend and trustworthy person. That is saying something these days. So good on you. And I wish you both well.

I’d be inclined to know whether the sisters are aware of this. No idea if it’s appropriate or not to ask, though.
Best of luck in your decision.

My wife was asked to do this once for someone who was dying. He had 3 grown children and 2 brothers but wasnt close to any of them. He wasnt wealthy but he was well off and had a lot of antiques and other stuff that needed to be gone thru with no help from him.

I convinced her not to do it. I was afraid that if anything had gotten lost over the years or something financial wasnt the way family members remembered it being, that we could be sued by a relative. Even if the POA is properly done by a good atty, you may still have to defend yourself. Nothing legal is absolute these days it seems. I talked to one of the brothers and expressed our willingness to help, but told him i didnt think it was appropriate when he had family members. Her friend ended up giving power of atty to the brother (who lived 1000 mi away). The brother then gave us general directions on what to do. We ended up doing a lot of the work, but at least we had a family member directing us.

I understand wanting to help your friend, but be careful. Is the divorce completely done and settled? How well do you know the sisters? I would have a conversation with each of them and judge for yourself if you think they're accepting of your role. This is not a time to worry about whether it is appropriate talk to the family.

Perhaps I was being too cautious - my wife certainly thought so. But in the end it all worked out well. And we wound up being friends with the brother.

We've gotten two conservatorships over the years, and it wasn't hard or expensive. We appeared in front of a judge with the sick folks. The judge asked a few questions, approved the request, and sent us to a clerk who explained the "rules." It was very simple-spend whatever was "reasonable and necessary" from the estate for the care of the individual, and provide receipts. Keep your accounts separate from theirs. Report to the court every 6 months, show where the money went, and turn it all over to the executor when they finally die. We spent maybe 500 bucks on each for a legal consult, and that's at.

I'm sorry your friend is so sick.

So sorry for your friend’s condition, kudos to you for being willing to step up and help.

My two cents: as this advances I presume you’d be getting both a durable power of attorney and medical power of attorney. Both would be necessary to fully address the OP being able to handle the friends affairs. When an attorney is engaged to write up the POAs, it would be wise to discuss the status of the friend’s will; if one exists or write up one if it doesn’t exists and who is or would be the named executor. Whether it is the OP or someone else, coordination now between all parties now may preclude any issues later. My limited experience and understanding is that the authority of a POA ends when with the death of the subject of the POA, the named executor takes over. Letting other family members know now, who has the POAs and who will be the executor, might prevent recriminations later.

He’d have to be a really good friend and the relatives really bad news to even consider this. Even then you should meet with his attorney to go over what’s involved in the state you and he are in so you fully understand.

A “Durable” POA is what he wants.

But any decent lawyer will prepare that as a default.

A Medical Directive should, or frequently, will also be included.

Your friend should start thinking about what kind of care he wants to receive if he is not able to express those wishes at that time.

Finally, a Successor POA, should also be considered if you are no longer willing or able to perform your duties.

He should also declare beneficiaries on banking and investment accounts now. If you are intended to be a beneficiary you will not be able to declare yourself one using the POA authority. And that authority goes away the moment he passes away.

One last thing would be to put your POA authority on his accounts now while there is no crisis. If not, when there is a crisis then you’ll have two crises…the actual crisis and then one you created by having to get the POA approved in the midst of a crises. IOW, sometimes it takes a few days to get it approved at the institution in question and you don’t want that if he needs help “right now” in managing his affairs.

In NC there are papers you can download, fill out & have notarized. They don't have to be filled with state/county but they can be.
I have 3 ppl. One for medical One for finances & one to be an oversite of everything.
Making sure family members do not get anything I have.

We did what Lefty Sig suggested when my Mom started to lose cognition. She actually recognized it and asked me to go to an attorney. We were recommended to a woman who specialized in elder care law, and her expertise in writing the trust, steering us through the power of attorney, getting letters declaring incompetence from two physicians, and much more was worth far more than the couple grand she was paid.

In fact, my wife and I may be seeing her to deal with some legal issues related to our own trust.

You need to look into the laws in his state, and maybe yours, if they are different states. I know in GA the POA either needs to be declared by the person granting it while they are still of sound mind or that person needs to be declared incompetent by the court. There is also a requirement that the person granted POA not benefit from the situation. And it needed to be witnessed by two people not related to either party. I found all this out when my father started to lose his faculties and stated during one of his lucid moments that he wanted me to take on the responsibility instead of my Mom or my younger brother who was hours closer.