I have a son that plays hockey. This year he moved up a level and got put on a bit more elite team than last year (tryouts were fricking forever, and lots of jockeying for spots- many unhappy parents and crushed kids). He was super proud of himself for making the cut. Understand that I have no name or big business to back up any reason that he might get on the team other than his own skill set. He earned his spot from the evaluators.

He was on a team a little bit below his skill level last year, and was a “superstar”… or at least he felt like it. Hat tricks weren’t uncommon, and if he didn’t score or assist at least once during the games, he felt like he was “off”.

This year he is questioning whether or not he is a contributing member of the team, and his teammates have been a bit hard on him. His new coach (neither of who seem to be great fans of each other) changed his position and the has given him less ice time, but my understanding is that we are still at the level (12U) when all the kids should be having equal ice time to develop.
How do I encourage him? What can I say to the coach? I know moving up a level is going to challenge him more and he understands that too, but he’s getting demoralized, and I don’t know how to encourage him, because of course he thinks everything I say is just designed to please him.
He seems only to be hearing his peers and they are pretty critical. I know this is around the age where kids drop out and I really hope that he sticks with it, but I don’t want him to lose his confidence in himself in order to play the game, or be bullied by a bunch of wannabewaynes.
Thoughts?

Both my kids played college sports. They were often outmatched particularly when playing in regional tournaments. Tell them they never will get better playing others who have lesser skills than they do.

I recommend you have your son (not you) talk to the coach directly about the concerns and questions you identified. You can certainly advise you son on how to go about that and how to express himself (and organize his thoughts and questions), but you're not doing him any favors by doing it for him. Perhaps have your son ask questions like "What are areas where I need to improve?" "How can I be a better teamate?', etc. Or even "I think I should have more playing time, why am I not getting in more?" He may not agree with or like the answers but in the long run he'll be better off handling issues by tackling them on his own and going right to the coach.

I hope if your son does this the coach or coaches are honest and objective with him.

I was a youth, AAU and assistant varsity girls basketball coach for many years. My daughter played basketball and lacrosse, then went on to play D1 lacrosse. I was not perfect and made mistakes but I always encouraged the kids to talk to their coaches. I always let my kids know that I would always make time and would always listen and be honest with my assessments and feedback. I might not always agree with them but I would always listen.

My son played Elite hockey up until HS. Some thoughts at 12-14 is where the kids that were physically dominant early on aren’t so much anymore. Hockey can be wildly cliquish at times. We moved across country at the start of my son’s 5th grade year and he had to establish himself all over again, especially when trying to break into a group of kids that had been playing together since they were 4.

Elite hockey is wildly competitive and the goal is to win. Depending on the club player development vs winning sets on a sliding scale of what’s most important. I think having your son address the coach in a respectful manner with how he can improve and get more playing time is important. Remember this is travel hockey and winning matters to some degree. Wish you and your son the best of luck, we had a late of great times and met some great people playing hockey.

Thanks, guys. Keep it coming.

I never played or coached hockey but did play water polo and swim in HS and college (was trying to make the 1980 Olympic swim team) and coached a girl's HS water polo team, take this FWIW:

Boys and young men in the HS age group tend to be a little harsh on each other. Sometimes the coach playing favorites just to win fosters this.

In my experience, the HS coach didn't like playing better teams cause those teams tended to win (go figure).

In college, it was the opposite. Coach's attitude was everyone will play at least one full quarter of the game and he would set us up with much better teams before the season started (scrimmages mostly). We gelled as a team and no player was "left behind" so to speak.

In coaching, I took the same stance as my college coach. All players played at least one quarter (I coached the first year players (9th through 11th grade only).

When the payers got out of the water, I helped the first two ladies and they in turn helped their team mates. During the first couple games, at least one of the less skilled players did not want to be put in cause she felt we would lose the game if I did (she went in and we lost).

Our second half of the season we were undefeated.

Point here; even if your son's coach doesn't really coach like my style doesn't mean your son cannot act like a team player and help all/any of the other players. Eventually, your son's character will shine through and his mates will respect him for that. Just might take a while to come though.

I coached soccer for 20 years or so.

I played soccer for about 30 years. Youth, high school, college, semi pro.

DO NOT TALK TO THE COACH FOR HIM!

Life and sport are not fair and easy. He needs to develop the drive and skills for himself. Heck he’s what only 12?

As far as positioning goes, embrace the new position. In fact he should play as many positions as possible. What he likes at 12 may not ultimately be his best position in the future.

Another thing I saw and experienced through playing and coaching is that some kids that dominated at 12 faded and were surpassed by the kids with a greater drive as they matured and grew up. That’s what happened with me.

Tell him to keep working hard every day and it will pay off in the long run…

Remember he’s just a kid.

Teams gobble up talent first to have access to it when illness or injuries set in, the second reason is to keep the talent from other teams. Travel teams chase trophies for bragging rights and a money grab, not for player development.

If travel hockey is anything like travel ball, don't chase the trophies. Put him on a team where he'll play and develop. Riding the bench or getting limited minutes for a trophy that means nothing isn't the way to go.

I played (high level club ball no NCAA baseball at my college, essentially D3) baseball at SMU in Dallas. Im an attorney and coached my daughter in baseball and softball and my son in baseball. Did that from 6 years old to 15 years old. So 10 seasons, 2 seasons a year, 2 teams per season. So essentially 40 seasons. I was also VP of the League of 700 players.

At 12U with boys you are at a critical point. Boys are maturing very fast for some and slowly for others. Physical ability will vary widely and by 14 you have monsters and sheep on the same team. It's just a growth thing. You are also dealing with middle schoolers who are notoriously mean and retarded. He can do a few things, 1. say fuck it, it's not fun I want out. 2. Say fuck them, I stay and play and work till I make it or 3. stay until they physically or mentally break him.

In reality he got screwed when they let him be a superstar. He is truly at a defining moment in his life. He has to decide where hockey ranks in things HE wants to do. If it's the top dog, then he has to take that attitude to the rink and work, knowing that everyone around him may get bigger and stronger sooner and that he will have to fight until he is older to let the playing field level on size/maturity. Most kids turn to girls or video games rather than get your ass kicked in the rink.

It's his choice. But if he is going to decide to stay and grit it out, he needs to realize right now that this is a fight and he has to play to win. Every shift, every practice. If he makes that decision then go tell the coach, hey im here to play and make a difference, what do you want me to do/work on and I will do it. Also realize that many coaches will not be honest with him. Tell him that now.

I have seen way too many chickenshit coaches who give lip service but don't back up what they say. You son is still 12, this is not life or death. HE IS A CHILD. But it is a good place to talk about being mature, quitting on his terms if he wants and taking the conversation with his coach seriously. 100% I would have him do this on his own.

Be the dad, not the bench coach. You coach him every day on how to be a good person this in many ways is not your deal. But help him find what he thinks a good resolution is.

I think most team sports players will agree that the most dangerous kid on the field is the determined one who plays at 85% skill not the 100% skill guy who has no grit.

Let us know how it goes!

Some pretty solid advice already delivered.

Raising two young men myself and coaching along the way many sports, has helped my boys and myself become better.

The coaching plays an important role as mentor and leader. Ensure the coach is instilling the life lessons you want your son to emulate.

It sounds like he already has drive and determination. Humility and humbleness are also character building traits.

You're discussions and support will go a long way in whatever path this leads him.

Cheers~

Ok, maybe I misspoke. There’s a bit of misunderstanding here- this is a slightly higher level league team, not a travel team. At this level and age in our league, they are def supposed to play everyone equally- I did look it up in the handbook.

His new coach has moved him to this new position- he isn’t getting a chance to try other positions; he’s been locked in the last 6 games. The kid is so concerned about pissing the coach off, he’s afraid to do his thing, so he’s hesitating in the wrong places and constantly looking to the bench. He was NOT doing that last year.

As an aside, this coach has definite favorites, and in a different sport on another team, last year mocked my kid on the field for making a mistake- had his whole team laughing at my kid for trying out a new position and not knowing the nuances. He was not our coach at that point, and I was concerned when I learned he would be the coach for this, but have been hoping for the best.

I’m trying pretty hard to overlook the mockery, and let it roll off our respective backs, chalk it up to learning..I really would rather NOT talk to the coach. I’m trying not to let my disappointment in him color my kid’s behavior or attitude, but the kid is definitely leery of him.
He’s being pigeonholed by some aggressive dad coaches who want to promote their own kids, and I’m trying to figure out a way to get him out of that box by building his confidence.

Btw, timdogg, at the moment, he is on the number 2 option: fuck them. But I just don’t know his grit level yet. I will share your words with him.

Whoa, too many flashbacks here, as a hockey dad I’ve been there, so has my son. I grew up in the depth of Minnesota hockey, the demands to perform, and the expectation to excel does life long damage to a kid. I survived travel hockey, high school hockey, four years of college hockey, but it took its toll on me and my relationship with my dad and a few less than coaches. My son wasn’t so fortunate, or maybe he was smarter than me and traded the rink for the country club. USA Hockey puts it a statistic that by the time a kid turns 13 to 14 years of age, close to 80% of them quit team sports. In my experience as a coach for over 10 years, there are a few reasons kids quit, the game passes them by, the pressure from coaches, parents, peers is overwhelming, they find new friends and other interests, team sports fail to give them them a sense of accomplishment.
I would encourage your son to have a serious heart to heart conversation with the coach, express his concerns, personal and team goals for the season, and ask for honest feedback with respect to his role on the team. If he can accept the response from the coach, then move on and do great things. Your son needs to think about what he needs to do this season in order to set himself up for the next season and the next level of play. If he can’t think in those terms, and doesn’t grow with the sport to the next level, then you both need to accept that being a recreational and average high school hockey player is good enough. Don’t push your kid, don’t coach from the car, if it isn’t fun - let it go.
My son quit at 14, found a better group of friends, he excelled in individual sports like tennis, and golf, and his grades have improved immensely. It was hard to let go of hockey as parents, but he made his choice and he is in a much better place. It took a smart mom to remind me one day that if sports at high school age keep kids out of the ditch, away from the internet gaming and porn, and they make good friends from good families, stay away from drugs and alcohol - then you are winning.
Love him either way, they grow up too fast, and you want to have their love and respect as they grow up.
Be there for him.

quote:

Originally posted by irreverent:
As an aside, this coach has definite favorites, and in a different sport on another team, last year mocked my kid on the field for making a mistake- had his whole team laughing at my kid for trying out a new position and not knowing the nuances. He was not our coach at that point, and I was concerned when I learned he would be the coach for this, but have been hoping for the best.

I’m trying pretty hard to overlook the mockery, and let it roll off our respective backs, chalk it up to learning..I really would rather NOT talk to the coach. I’m trying not to let my disappointment in him color my kid’s behavior or attitude, but the kid is definitely leery of him.
He’s being pigeonholed by some aggressive dad coaches who want to promote their own kids, and I’m trying to figure out a way to get him out of that box by building his confidence.

Not a parent so I've never had to run this gauntlet and I fully respect the opinions of those here who have and recommend letting your son take the lead. BUT, when you throw in this taunting behavior by the Coach as an afterthought I think that takes it makes it necessary for you to step in and put an end to that shit.
Coach needs to grow the F up.
Still don't think you should be telling him how to coach the team (who plays when and where) but immaturely mocking any of those young men is absolutely unacceptable IMHO.

A) Not a coach, was in athletics most of my young life. (College and after.) (I am soon to be Dad of a girl, so no experience there yet, either.)

B) I’m not a huge fan of contact sports/over driving boys, as it easily interferes with later success - and puberty is a very challenging and dangerous time for boys. Not much experience on stick and ball sports but really, he should be mostly focused on correcting structural issues, form, suppleness and reaction times/skills. If hockey is his thing, maybe moving to speed skating would be good for a bit? (In general, an in shape, healthy, body aware 18 year old, with a strong character is more easily trained than someone already trying to deal with injuries/training scars.)

C) It’s a game. If he likes doing it, and it’s healthy, OK.

D) Learning to fight out of being a weak link, is a fundamental part of being male - is this the right way for him to learn it?

I tell my kids there are a lot of things you can't control. The one thing you can control is your effort. When you're less talented, smaller, or perhaps just the new guy, your effort is what carries you and gets you noticed. And not just when it is your time on the ice in a game. It's every second of practice, every second at home working on your own stuff, every second in team meetings, every second when you're on the bench. It's not necessarily fair, but nothing in life is.

Also, there are going to be kids who love it more than you and are willing to put in more effort than you. Either up your game or take a seat. That's reality. Neither of my boys love sports and that is fine. Elite leagues are not for them, at least not yet. Hopefully there are also leagues for kids who do not want to devote their entire lives to it (I loved baseball but I am glad I got out of it before the insanity of travel sports took over.)

Thanks, guys, as usual, you’ve given me a lot to think about.
He comes home every day wanting to shoot some pucks into the net, so we are still game on. He IS slightly smaller, but he does show for every practice, and folks comment on how hard he works. We will see how this plays out.