....and so it begins

How to Tell the Difference Between the Branches of the US Armed Forces!

If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:

The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.

The MARINE CORPS would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.

The AIR FORCE would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.

ok, if that wasn't bad enough...

A General was conducting an All Service member pilot briefing in Afghanistan one day, and he posed the question: "What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?"

A Navy pilot said, "I'd step on it."

An Army pilot said, "I'd hit it with my boot."

A Marine pilot said, "I'd catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it."

An Air Force Pilot said, “I’d call room service and ask why there was a tent in my room.”

What time is it?

Sailor: 8 bells
Soldier: 1600 hrs
Airman: 4:00 PM-quitting time!
Marine: The big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 4!

Sailor: You marines are just a department of the NAVY!

Marine: Yeah-the MEN's department!

Two Navy pilots boarded a flight from Washington to New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

Just before take-off an Army helicopter pilot got on and took the aisle seat next to the Navy guys.

He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Navy pilot in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”

“No problem,” said the Army guy, “Stay there, I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Navy pilot picked up the Army pilot’s shoe and spat in it.

When the Army guy returned with the Coke, the other Navy pilot said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the Army helicopter pilot obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Navy pilot picked up the other shoe and spat in it too.

The Army guy returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Army pilot slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between the Navy and the Army…this hatred…this animosity…this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

Game on!

By Rod Powers

Updated May 31, 2018
There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,....."Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ..... "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,...... "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"

The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, ...... "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"

So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"

The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"

The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

quote:

Originally posted by Greymann:
By Rod Powers

Updated May 31, 2018
There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,....."Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ..... "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,...... "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"

The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, ...... "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"

So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"

The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"

The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

Haha, I love that one! I originally heard it with a priest, rabbi, and bottle of communion wine.

Not a joke so much, but something my father used to say. He had been in the Air Force and he would say "Marine Grunts- an 18 inch neck and a 2 inch head."

WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS
 

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'  
-   Infantry Journal -  

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'  
-   US.Air Force Manual -

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' 
- General MacArthur -

'Tracers work both ways.'  
-   Army Ordnance Manual-

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
-  Infantry Journal -

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'  
- Naval Ops Manual -

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'  
-   Unknown Infantry Recruit-

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.' 
- Infantry Journal-  

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.  For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'  
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'  
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'  
-Unknown Author-

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'  
-   Fixed Wing Pilot-

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'  
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'  
-Unknown Author-

'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.' 
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?  
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but   If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'  
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

'Never trade luck for skill.'  
-Author Unknown-

The three most common expressions (or famous last words)   in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?'   'What's that noise?'and'Oh S...!' 
-Authors Unknown-

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'  
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

  'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight   to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it..'  
-   Emergency Checklist-

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;  it can just barely kill you.' 
- Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) -

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'  
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB , AZ-

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'  
- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.   The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'  
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

Always camp up stream of the latrine.

Army Manual circa - 1860

The three main problems with an F-4 is that as soon as you take off your on fire, out of gas and you don't have enough altitude.

-related to me by a Marine
F-4 pilot

While we're re-circulating ancient groaners...

A Jarhead, a Zoomie and a Squid all hit the head at the same time to offload a little beer.

The Jarhead finishes up, washes his hands, reels off about 6 feet of towels, dries them and says "The Marine Corps taught me to be clean."

The Zoomie likewise completes the task at hand, washes up, takes one square of towel, dries his hands and says "The Air Force taught me to be thrifty."

The Squid shakes it off and heads for the door saying "The Navy taught me not to piss on my hands."

What do you call a marine with an IQ of 100?
A platoon.
Why do marines have one more brain cell than a horse?
So they don't poop while marching.

From Humor in Uniform, “Reader’s Digest”.

A printed sign over the paper towel dispenser in an Army barracks head: “Why take two when one will do?”

Someone had scrawled: “For gracious living”.

Homemade sign in Army Latrine in Incheon. 1958.

"Does no use to stand on the seat, the crabs here jump 35 feet".

those are good - added to my growing collection

"You can always tell a Marine pilot, but you just can't tell him much."

Actually saw this sign in a dining facility in Kandahar: "Do not put cheese in the toaster."

Most formidable Army in the world. Cracks me up every time I think of it.

There was a model of a helicopter above the desk at MEPS when I went for processing...
I asked what it was for. The Sergeant at the desk replied "it helps determine what branch you go to. "
You see, if you see that helicopter and say:

"Nice chopper" you go Army

"Sweet bird! " you go Navy

"Cool helo" you go Air Force

... now you point and grunt "ooh ooh ooh" you end up a Marine!

Guess what my response was? Semper Fi gentlemen!

quote:

Originally posted by armme:
Actually saw this sign in a dining facility in Kandahar: "Do not put cheese in the toaster."

Most formidable Army in the world. Cracks me up every time I think of it.

That's funny. On a bunker in a remote COP in Afghanistan I saw the phrase "If you can dodge a rocket, you can dodge a ball!" followed by the "5 D's" written on the entry beam.