What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
March 04, 2017, 05:55 AM
PHPaul
quote:
Originally posted by WildSig: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What did the nurse say when she found the rectal thermometer behind her ear?
"Some asshole has my pencil!"
Be careful when following the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
March 04, 2017, 08:58 AM
signewt
"What's the difference between light and hard?"
....it stays light all day....
March 04, 2017, 09:11 AM
Oldrider
The King, being bored, held a contest to find the greatest punster in his kingdom. After months and months of contests, his own jester was found to be the greatest. The King then held a final contest; if the jester could be shut in a closet but get out with just a pun he'd bestow his entire kingdom on the jester.
The morning of the contest the jester was placed in the royal closet. Where upon the jester said...
"Opun the door..."
___________________________________________________________ Your right to swing your fist stops just short of the other person's nose...
March 04, 2017, 09:19 AM
rusbro
^^^^^GROANER
March 04, 2017, 09:37 AM
TMats
Jeez, all the way back to grade school, huh
What's black and white, and black and white, and black and white, ...?
A nun falling down the stairs.
What's black and white and red all over?
A wounded nun
_______________________________________________________ despite them
March 04, 2017, 09:48 AM
10X-Shooter
Define circumcopulation-
Fucking around!
March 04, 2017, 10:03 AM
cndrdk
What did one fly say to the other fly? "your man is open"
March 04, 2017, 10:10 AM
George43
What sound does a Japanese camera shutter make?
Crick.
A gun in the hand is worth more than ten policemen on the phone. The American Revolution was carried out by a group of gun toting religious zealots.
March 04, 2017, 12:18 PM
WyoRobert
quote:
Originally posted by PKFan: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen
If she's Japanese?
Irene
And of course she works at IHOP.
Robert ------------------------------------------------
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. -- Marianne Williamson
March 04, 2017, 02:42 PM
zoom6zoom
A straight line is the shortest distance between two puns.
I have my own style of humor. I call it Snarkasm.
March 04, 2017, 03:00 PM
Floyd D. Barber
Guy goes to the DR. "My wife was talking to me the other day, I wasn't paying attention, she's either got VD or TB".
Doc says, "Chase her around the bedroom, if she coughs, fuck her".This message has been edited. Last edited by: Floyd D. Barber,
__________________________________________________________________________________ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Always remember that others may hate you but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself. Richard M Nixon
It's nice to be important, it's more important to be nice. Billy Joe Shaver
NRA Life Member
March 04, 2017, 07:05 PM
roarindan
quote:
Originally posted by Captain Morgan: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
Did you hear about the neW Polish subs? They have screen doors.
Did you hear about.the.two gay Irish guys Mike Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmike?
I believe they are "William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam"
___________________
"the world doesn't end til yer dead, 'til then there's more beatin's in store, stand it like a man, and give some back" Al Swearengen
March 05, 2017, 11:54 AM
WildSig
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
March 05, 2017, 12:46 PM
WaterburyBob
quote:
Originally posted by roarindan:
quote:
Originally posted by Captain Morgan: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
Did you hear about the neW Polish subs? They have screen doors.
Did you hear about.the.two gay Irish guys Mike Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmike?
I believe they are "William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam"
Long ago, I heard it as Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick ...
"If Gun Control worked, Chicago would look like Mayberry, not Thunderdome" - Cam Edwards
March 05, 2017, 04:16 PM
GWbiker
Man goes to a Psychiatrist for an evaluation. Doctor spends quite some time with the guy and determines that he is in fact crazy, and tells him.
Guy says: "Oh yeah, well I want a second opinion".
Doctor says: "OK. You're ugly, too.
********* "Some people are alive today because it's against the law to kill them".
March 05, 2017, 08:36 PM
Ozarkwoods
What's green and smells like pork?
Kermit's finger
ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
March 05, 2017, 09:34 PM
joatmonv
A baby seal walks into a club.
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not.
March 06, 2017, 01:21 AM
Tuckerrnr1
A guy with no arms and no legs in a cannibals cooking pot?
Stu.
_____________________________________________ I may be a bad person, but at least I use my turn signal.
