Shared from a relative.. enjoy.




Seniors: The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags or is it just me?

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Today’s 3 year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Commandments for Seniors

You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.

Your people skills are fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it does muffle the sound.

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

Lately, you've noticed that people your age are much older than you.

"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

quote:

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

If Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull solo riffed for 40 minutes, I'm all in.

The second one has been a guiding principle in my life from a very early age. Yup, there have been some bad ones over the years, but shit got done!

The first one is a gem and I try to follow it. However, like the comedian (who's name escapes me at the moment) said "I had the right to remain silent, but not the ability". That failing has bit me on the ass on a number of occasions.

quote:

Originally posted by PHPaul:
The second one has been a guiding principle in my life from a very early age. Yup, there have been some bad ones over the years, but shit got done!

The first one is a gem and I try to follow it. However, like the comedian (who's name escapes me at the moment) said "I had the right to remain silent, but not the ability". That failing has bit me on the ass on a number of occasions.

Ron White

Copied for future reference.

Ron White is one of my favorites.

quote:

Originally posted by George43:

Ron White

That's the one. Thanks!

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Originally posted by creslin:

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Originally posted by Parabellum:

Please do not post things you get via email. It's just this side of a chain letter.

Absolutely, but this gets the "It's Hilarious" Exception

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Originally posted by wishfull thinker:

quote:

Originally posted by creslin:

quote:

Originally posted by Parabellum:

Please do not post things you get via email. It's just this side of a chain letter.

Absolutely, but this gets the "It's Hilarious" Exception

And this one follows the spirit of The Boss’s post on Sunday that everyone seems to be in a funk. This one made my day. Thank you.