SIGforum
I need a Donut Slapper

This topic can be found at:
https://sigforum.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/320601935/m/7220079494

September 21, 2022, 03:10 PM
parabellum
I need a Donut Slapper
Oh, sure, it sounds gay, but it's nothing like that.

I need someone to follow me around, watch me 24 hours a day, and if I pick up a donut, slap it out of my hand. That goes for pizza, cheeseburgers, wings, what have ya.

If necessary, they should lock me in a room for days at a time, feeding me only every other day. And then, I'll write a diet book- The Incarceration Diet.

Of course, there are some legal hurdles which will need to be overcome.
September 21, 2022, 03:13 PM
HRK
I thought you wuz married, that's where I got mine...



September 21, 2022, 03:22 PM
PHPaul
quote:
Originally posted by HRK:
I thought you wuz married, that's where I got mine...


You too? Big Grin




Be careful when following the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
September 21, 2022, 03:22 PM
parabellum
I am married, but she's just a little thing, can't generate sufficent arm speed to send the donuts flying.

And she's not around every second of the day.
September 21, 2022, 03:29 PM
ArtieS
I'm in with some $ for R&D, 'cause I could use one too.

Maybe one of those electric dog collars that has a fat, sugar and beer sensor on it. Set to "paralyze".



"I will fight until Hell freezes over and then fight on the ice."

Captain William Mattingly at the Battle of Bulltown, West Virginia 1863
September 21, 2022, 03:31 PM
41
I was a sucker for donuts way back in the 80's. Yep...meeting at the base, so make sure you have 3 or 4 dozen donuts especially the cream filled.

Then there was Shoppers Food Warehouse with their price mark down of donuts.

Then sometime later, Dr. Sinatra in his health newsletter....sugar equals donuts equals trouble. Frown


41
September 21, 2022, 03:38 PM
parabellum
I can foresee something like this when they have to lock me in a room.


September 21, 2022, 03:48 PM
jbcummings
Yep carbs, be they donuts, hot bread with butter or just plain old corn bread are tough. I used to be hooked on my MIL’s chocolate brownies too. Then along came type II diabetes. I did good for a good while, but the hot bread & cornbread were still my curse. Then along came COVID & I backslide and everything was fair game. I started having AFib about that time as well, so I guess I just tried to eat my way out of the depression of it all. My wife got me started doing keyto in January of this year. I’m rarely hungry and I’m able to pass on all those things I loved to take “just one” (more f more). 65 pounds in 8 months and I’m better off. Go eat some meat and that’s not a hamburger either.


———-
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for thou art crunchy and taste good with catsup.
September 21, 2022, 05:21 PM
bendable
After counting/documenting calories for two months.

I found 1800 calories per day very manageable you could to.
THEN

Isat down and figured out how many calories that I did not shove down my pie hole.

I came close to getting dizzy.
9000 effen calories, in a month !
Eek





Safety, Situational Awareness and proficiency.



Neck Ties, Hats and ammo brass, Never ,ever touch'em w/o asking first
September 21, 2022, 05:25 PM
shovelhead
How about a monkey with a taser? You know, wearing one of those little service animal vests?


-------------------------------------——————
————————--Ignorance is a powerful tool if applied at the right time, even, usually, surpassing knowledge(E.J.Potter, A.K.A. The Michigan Madman)
September 21, 2022, 05:33 PM
architect
quote:
Originally posted by shovelhead:
How about a monkey with a taser? You know, wearing one of those little service animal vests?
I'll let him speak for himself, but I doubt sigmonkey wants the job!
September 21, 2022, 05:43 PM
egregore
quote:
I need someone to follow me around, watch me 24 hours a day, and if I pick up a donut, slap it out of my hand. That goes for pizza, cheeseburgers, wings, what have ya.

Something like a Food Anonymous?


September 21, 2022, 06:08 PM
parabellum
Somebody needs to shoot that little sumbitch.
September 21, 2022, 07:27 PM
OKCGene
An updated version of the Trunk Monkey would be awesome.
.
September 21, 2022, 07:29 PM
parabellum
Armed monkeys, I don't know.

A taser seems like a bad idea. I don't care how well they're trained- they're too much like us and they might just go off, climbing on the light fixtures and whatnot, doin' all that damn screeching and shit.

How'd you like to have a spastic monkey firing tasers at you from your chandelier? It's not an attractive proposition.
September 21, 2022, 08:33 PM
JR78
SIR, drop the donut and show me your hands, do it now. Taser, taser, taser.


______________________________
Men who carry guns for a living do not seek reward outside of the guild. The most cherished gift is a nod from his peers.
September 21, 2022, 08:51 PM
Ozarkwoods
I think we can modify a training shock collar that will sense your hand moving to your mouth.


ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
September 21, 2022, 09:04 PM
Dakor
This time of year I could certainly use whatever solution you find Para. Between apple cider donuts, apple-whatever pie and fresh pumpkin bread, my Buddha wants to take it all in.


__________________________________

There are no Democrats, only Communists.
September 21, 2022, 09:17 PM
10X-Shooter
Said slapper would need a new waiver signed and notarized.
September 21, 2022, 09:41 PM
YooperSigs
The Yooper grocery store bakery has addicted me to their Cinnamon Rolls. And Chocolate Muffins with Chocolate Chips.
I have tried to kick but failed. I am weak.


End of Earth: 2 Miles
Upper Peninsula: 4 Miles