December 19, 2017, 11:05 AM
JALLENFunny
19 Italians go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Dominic replies, "The write-up said 18 or over."
My daughter asked for a pet spider for her birthday. I went to the pet shop & they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an A.T.M. yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
Neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am! Can you believe that? Luckily for him I was still up playing my accordian.
Wife was counting nickles & dimes & quarters on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry & started shouting & crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
An East Indian man moved in next door. He has traveled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears & climbed the highest mountain. Not surprised to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.
Luckily, I have enough willpower to control the driving ambition that rages within me.
When you had the votes, we did things your way. Now, we have the votes and you will be doing things our way. This lesson in political reality from Lyndon B. Johnson
"Some things are apparent. Where government moves in, community retreats, civil society disintegrates and our ability to control our own destiny atrophies. The result is: families under siege; war in the streets; unapologetic expropriation of property; the precipitous decline of the rule of law; the rapid rise of corruption; the loss of civility and the triumph of deceit. The result is a debased, debauched culture which finds moral depravity entertaining and virtue contemptible." - Justice Janice Rogers Brown December 19, 2017, 11:23 AM
Snapping TwigCute.
A question...
Do you have a day job?
(don't quit it)
December 19, 2017, 11:32 AM
JALLENquote:
Originally posted by Snapping Twig:
Cute.
A question...
Do you have a day job?
(don't quit it)
Alas, no.
I was forced to retire several years ago due to pulmonary fibrosis which now has progressed to the point I spend my time reading, cursing network news and sleeping. I’m on supplemental O2 24/7, and seldom leave the house.
Luckily, I have enough willpower to control the driving ambition that rages within me.
When you had the votes, we did things your way. Now, we have the votes and you will be doing things our way. This lesson in political reality from Lyndon B. Johnson
"Some things are apparent. Where government moves in, community retreats, civil society disintegrates and our ability to control our own destiny atrophies. The result is: families under siege; war in the streets; unapologetic expropriation of property; the precipitous decline of the rule of law; the rapid rise of corruption; the loss of civility and the triumph of deceit. The result is a debased, debauched culture which finds moral depravity entertaining and virtue contemptible." - Justice Janice Rogers Brown December 19, 2017, 11:59 AM
adobesigI loved the girlfriend stalker one.
December 19, 2017, 12:52 PM
sjtillKeep 'em comin', Jim!
_________________________
“Remember, remember the fifth of November!"
December 19, 2017, 12:58 PM
smlsigThanks JALLEN!
Made my day.
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Eddie
Our Founding Fathers were men who understood that the right thing is not necessarily the written thing. -kkina
December 19, 2017, 03:01 PM
roarindanquote:
Originally posted by smlsig:
Thanks JALLEN!
Made my day.
Danny likes 'em too!!!
___________________
"the world doesn't end til yer dead, 'til then there's more beatin's in store, stand it like a man, and give some back"
Al Swearengen
December 19, 2017, 03:04 PM
Johnny 3eagles
Me like!
If you're goin' through hell, keep on going.
Don't slow down. If you're scared don't show it.
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there.
NRA ENDOWMENT LIFE MEMBER
December 19, 2017, 03:08 PM
nhtagmemberthose were great Jim
say hello to the missus for me
[B] Against ALL enemies, foreign and DOMESTIC
December 19, 2017, 03:10 PM
OKCGeneUnfortunately I'm not seeing my new girlfriend any more.
The police took my binoculars away.
December 19, 2017, 03:14 PM
Phantom229I'm stealing some of those!
Situation awareness is defined as a continuous extraction of environmental information, integration of this information with previous knowledge to form a coherent mental picture in directing further perception and anticipating future events. Simply put, situational awareness mean knowing what is going on around you. December 19, 2017, 03:17 PM
konata88I got a few needed chuckles.
Thanks.
"Wrong does not cease to be wrong because the majority share in it." L.Tolstoy
"A government is just a body of people, usually, notably, ungoverned." Shepherd Book December 19, 2017, 08:04 PM
DaveLSteven Wright?
December 19, 2017, 08:26 PM
LBAR15Thank you for giving my whole family a chuckle tonight! I love it!!
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Life Member NRA
“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve." - Lao Tzu
December 19, 2017, 08:35 PM
bionic218Nice ones, J.
December 19, 2017, 09:31 PM
amalsFunny, yes.
December 19, 2017, 09:57 PM
EasyFireI have been meeting some new jokes
December 19, 2017, 10:12 PM
HawgsterOutstanding!!
"Shoot lower, Sheriff, They're ridin' shetlands"
May I assume you're not here to inquire about the alcohol or the tobacco?
December 20, 2017, 12:39 AM
Rey HRHYep, those were funny.
These jokes came to you as you started to remember them from a long time ago?
I stole a couple anyway.
"It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life – daily and hourly. Our answer must consist not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual." Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning, 1946.
December 20, 2017, 12:57 AM
2012BOSS302quote:
Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
That is a good one!
Donald Trump is not a politician, he is a leader, politicians are a dime a dozen, leaders are priceless.