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Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor |
A man dies and goes to hell. There he discovers that he has a choice: he can go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, he wants to compare the two, so he goes over to capitalist hell. There outside the door is the devil, who looks a bit like Ronald Reagan. “What’s it like in there?” asks the visitor. “Well,” the devil replies, “in capitalist hell, they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.” “That’s terrible!” he gasps. “I’m going to check out communist hell!” He goes over to communist hell, where he discovers a huge queue of people waiting to get in. He waits in line. Eventually he gets to the front and there at the door to communist hell is a little old man who looks a bit like Karl Marx. “I’m still in the free world, Karl,” he says, “and before I come in, I want to know what it’s like in there.” “In communist hell,” says Marx impatiently, “they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil, and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.” “But… but that’s the same as capitalist hell!” protests the visitor, “Why such a long queue?” “Well,” sighs Marx, “Sometimes we’re out of oil, sometimes we don’t have knives, sometimes no hot water…” ________________________________________________________ The trouble with trouble is; it always starts out as fun. | ||
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Drug Dealer |
^ ^ ^ ^ This guy is in a hospice unit and his doc stops by on rounds. Guy: Doc, what do you believe will happen after I die? Doc: I believe that we'll clean your room and move in another patient. When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth. - George Bernard Shaw | |||
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Bookers Bourbon and a good cigar |
Two guys meet in the afterlife, the first one asked the second. - Hey buddy what did you die from? - I was frozen to death and you? - I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I got home early to catch them in the act but when I got there, she was alone, I looked all over the house and couldn't find him, I felt so guilty, I just killed myself - I bet you didn't look in the freezer... If you're goin' through hell, keep on going. Don't slow down. If you're scared don't show it. You might get out before the devil even knows you're there. NRA ENDOWMENT LIFE MEMBER | |||
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Baroque Bloke |
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago." Serious about crackers | |||
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Bald Headed Squirrel Hunter |
One of my favorite attorney jokes: An attorney dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks up his name and exclaims, "You are finally here! You are the oldest person on earth and now you have finally joined us"! The attorney says, "I don't understand, I'm only 73 years old" St. Peter carefully looks at his book and says, "Oh! I'm sorry, I was looking at your billable hours". "Meet the new boss, same as the old boss" | |||
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Bookers Bourbon and a good cigar |
A German Shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died. In heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in. The German Shepherd said, "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master." "Good!" said God. "Sit at my right side." "Doberman, what do you believe in?" asked God. The doberman answered, "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master." "Aha," said God. "You may sit to my left." Then God looked at the cat and asked "And what do you believe in?" The cat replied, "I believe you're sitting in my seat." If you're goin' through hell, keep on going. Don't slow down. If you're scared don't show it. You might get out before the devil even knows you're there. NRA ENDOWMENT LIFE MEMBER | |||
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Drug Dealer |
These three guys died on Christmas eve and appeared before St. Peter. St. Peter said that in the spirit of the holidays, if anyone had anything on them that showed they had the Christmas spirit, they could enter heaven immediately. Guy 1 - Jingles his car keys. "These are bells". Guy 2 - Lights his cigarette lighter. "This is a candle". Guy 3 - Holds up a pair of panties. "These are Carol's". When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth. - George Bernard Shaw | |||
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Non-Miscreant |
Jim: You're back! Unhappy ammo seeker | |||
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Help! Help! I'm being repressed! |
I read Karl Marx, but my mind went Groucho Marx. I then realized my mistake. | |||
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