An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams Oh my God, "says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that !"

There are better St. Peter jokes.

Meh...

My panel of judges gives it a 4. Although that's mostly because of the Canadian judge, Simon.

Canadians... Meh...

H&K-Guy

A man appears at the Pearly Gates, bloodied and beaten. St. Peter asks what good deeds the man has done, that he should to seek admittance.

The man says, "There was a gang of outlaw bikers threatening an innocent motorist who had accidentally scratched one of their motorcycles while trying to squeeze into a parking place.

"I could not stand by and watch this poor man be beaten, so I picked out the biggest, meanest looking member of the gang, I walked up, and I punched him right in the nose."

"Wow," said St. Peter. "That was a brave thing that you did. When did this happen?"

The man replied, "About thirty seconds ago."

^^^



and my contribution is...

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet on his ass.

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”

The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”

The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.”

Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.